Its january 4 3:15am. im home alone. i dont know if this will catch anyones attention but if it does well great. i feel empty if you feel the same then youll probably understand me. everyone says that life gets better once you live it well. i do my best to try but its the same old boring life. i dont feel anything anymore like as if i was just a dead beat. my mother sometimes yells at me for things that arent even my fault. knowing the fact that my wrists are so messed up and having a possibility that i might have this symptom called carpotunel. its a diasease where your bones weaken. my grandma and mother have it and im pretty sure im next. days go by and not really a things has changed. somtimes i feel lost but then again im found. weird to say that because of course you can either only best lost or you can only be found. i feel both every once in a while. ive been staying home alone while my brother is in North Carolina recording with his band theyre EP. recently ever since my brother left my mother has been spending more time on going out and getting drunk and what not. me? well i really have no purpose in this household. i try to do things that catch my attention so my mother could catch it too. i joined softball my mother was happy but once my brother achieves something greater in his band carreer all her attention prays on him. and me? well im just some ordinary girl that my mother takes no interest in. this year i joined cross country, of course my mother never made it to any of my races and she did her "best" to make it to the last one. i was sick that day i almost lost full breath and passed out because of how sore and dry my throat was. i gave it my all that day. and when i walked up to my mother she said nothing but pure judgements. why should anyone deal with that? your basically judging the person on what they live doig and what they have a passion for. obiously my brother is better than me and he always will be. even though i achieve great in school unlike my brother. yet he still gets what he wants. i honestly dont know what i could possibly do to make my mom realize what greatness ive done? shes all i have. my father left two years ago. but my mother and father had been divorced since i was 7. my father told me that my drawings and paintings were s**t and when i got a bf he called me a slut and that he wouldnt be surprised if i got pregnant at 16. yeah hes father of the year. anyways. i happen to think that if i die if anyone would care? i sometimes thing it wouldnt mater. but then again, suicide seems so dull. i wouldnt kill myself because honestly once i am much older i could live on my own and be whoever i want to be without any sorts of judgements. well this should be it i need rest and i have a busy day tomorrow. finally my brother comes home tomorrow and ill be able to avoid my mother since im going out as well. goodnight or goodmorning. have a great and wonderful day or night maybe even evening.
 XxHxC REapERxX · Fri Jan 04, 2013 @ 11:31am · 0 Comments |
