Hi all! It seems this journal I’m using to put random thoughts or musings out here. Regarding things in my life. Sometimes I just need a place to put my thoughts. It someone reads and hears them all the way through hey that is great! If not I that’s okay too. I like this journal I’m realizing. Because while people who are on here know me irl. We all haven’t really identified ourselves on here or if we have that is our own choice. Me I don’t disclose my IRL name or I try not to. If I talk to you privately sure I’ll tell you my info. Aside from that. No I won’t be posting my photo. Or my full name here to be searched and found on other social platforms sorry. I like this one to be considered separate. It’s freeing knowing I can vent a little and feel comfortable doing so because they are not connected to other areas of my life. You can call me by my screen name on here. Or if I give you my first name in a private conversation we can do that too. The only time I refer to people’s names here on this journal is when It’s not associated with another account. There for it’s not obvious unless you know me. That’s the logic I stick with on here. ANYWAYS lol back to subject!

I had a crazy dream last night. I normally don’t dream much. Sometimes I do and I feel it has significant meaning. Other times I don’t. Sometimes dreams come true other times they don’t. It’s a interesting phenomenon in my life I can’t clearly explain and don’t understand it well other than perhaps it’s a spiritual connection but I have no proof of this so I can’t say for certain. I’ve been reflecting on my past decisions and mistakes a lot over this pandemic and being forced to be at home more. Being that I work in the entertainment and illustration industry I’m mostly out of a job right now. I’ve gotten some inquiries and some cool opportunities but honestly it’s not where I was by a long shot. I was making a part time income with my business before all this now it’s like zilch. I hope it comes back.

My dream I believe was due to my reflecting. I feel a hole in my chest from where I was ghosted and lost someone whom I was hoping would be just a platonic friend after turning them down. I’ve written about mister frank a few times current and past. That was a very difficult loss for me. No idea if he is okay. I really hope he didn’t hurt himself due to depression over being rejected. I don’t want to feel like I’m responsible and I would if I found out he tried to.... I was terrified of what he would do if I rejected him. I had to though. I had hoped just being friends would work. But I guess after he threatened to block me over me not saying yes I should have seen the writing on the wall. I digress.

My dream was about him. Interesting. The last conversation I had with him was in 2007. He had asked me out for the millionth time. And for the millionth time I said no. Because we didn’t know each other IRL and couldn’t make the circumstance work. I wanted to meet him. I had no way to. Regardless I also felt like I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I told him in our last convo that he deserves someone who could give him the love he is looking for basically. And that he deserves it because he’s a good guy. All of these things are true. I did not expect to be blocked after that. But not surprised it played that way. Yes I’ve told my current husband about all of this. He is not insecure about us and I’m not insecure about him. He is my best friend and my rock. And I appreciate that he can handle these things on occasion and not get mad. He knows as he has said where my heart is and we trust each other here. He is the real deal. This kind of trust is what helps a marriage work guys. I’m telling ya from a 10 year long marriage.

My dream was that I had finally met frank. And he was with someone. In the dream. We had a platonic friendship. And I weirdly was having some sadness about it not working but was happy for him. The woman he was with was perfect for him. I had a conversation with her telling her she had a good guy. To treat him well because he will treat you so well. He is a loyal and honorable person and deserves the best. I remember assuring her in the dream that there was nothing to worry about with me. I have a partner and have always told him he deserves someone who can give him the love he deserves and that it’s not me. And that she was great for him. Weird dream to have. It had me reflecting. Why would I have this dream? I think because I really do still wish him well. We had some issues in our friendship. But what friendship doesn’t. I was hurt yes. And I still care for him. I wish I could have met him but it just didn’t work. Our lives didn’t mesh together. I did t see a future with him because of this. Sadly it is what it is. I wish I could still be friends with him though. I miss his friendship. Goofing off about music, nerding out on video games. Discussing anime and movies. Sad to loose a good friend in my life. And at the same time. He was the one who wouldn’t give. It takes two to tango. And I guess he couldn’t get past his feelings for me. It hurt. Because it says he only cared about that not about me in actuality. To me if you truly care you will let them go. *sigh* I guess I’m just processing this still maybe that’s why I had the dream. I hate being ghosted. I would rather have a clear yes we are friends no we aren’t. Is there room for reconciliation yes or no. For me. There always is room for it if boundaries and respect is met and apologies are had if needed. If actions show this. Sure we can tango again. But without those things: I don’t see how it’s possible. But anyways. That was it for me folks. Random weird reflective dream about a person long gone from my past. Whom I wish I could re connect with as a platonic friendship as adults. Quarantine has really got me in this place of feeling nostalgic and reflective. I guess it’s coming out in my subconscious too. Because there was no resolution there.

It is what it is I guess. I’m an open book on this. because why not. I’m curious what others will have to say if anything. I am not ashamed even if he reads it. I am
Not saying anything intentionally negative nor am I revealing his full identity. Just venting some thoughts here. About a person I really cared and still very much care for and wish him the best no matter what

Music: Evanescence &Lindsay Sterling -Hi lo (omgggg you guys. This song is amazing. I just about fell out when I heard about this collab between these two. Seriously give this project a listen to. I’m so sad it’s not played more on the radio than what it deserves. It’s amazing !!!)

Mood: reflective. Missing friends