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Misty's Mewsings Info about me and/or things regarding my happenings on Gaia


Mistypaw
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My kitties!
Because people often ask about my pets, here's an intro of them:

Samus Arin - female tortie, adopted as a kitten 5/2004.
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Mordred - male black, adopted as a kitten 8/22/1998. Not very photogenic. lol
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Jester - long haired creme tuxedo Maine Coon male, adopted as an adult on 6/3/2005. Theorized to be a few years older than Mordred. Maybe as many as 4 or 5. Euthanized for failing health 7/31/2011
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Cards/Grams
Okay, as I participate a lot during the holidays, I get a lot of cards or "grams" as some call them. I decided I wanted a special place to keep there. So, here they are!

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The following 3 bear-chuus are by OhayouGackto
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heart Valentines 2009 heart

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Mistypaw
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Links
Herein are links to cool websites, people, threads, ect.

The Ultimate Guide to Gaining Gold on Gaia - This should be required reading for all noobs. This is the gaia bible! Written by a site mod! MANY Many useful links to various other good guides (a few of which I previously linked to here).

A Gaians Basic Guide to Post Style Formatting - I've found this to be very useful if you want to learn some about post style layouts.

{ -------- H o w . t o . m a k e . p r o f i l e s ------- } - This, and her list of links at the bottom, are how I made mine. Priceless.

The Gaia Job Center Guide - Other ways to gain gold on Gaia

The Complete Evolving Item Artist List - A good place to learn who is working on which EI

[CAG] :: The Cheap Arts Guide to Gaia - Lists places that sell art for cheaper

Places to get Guilds a bit cheaper than norm:

iFairys Guilds for sale!!!

Sharky's Guild Empire




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Thank You!
I expect in time this will grow to be a rather large entry. I wanted to have a special place to thank people for gifts and donations.

First and foremost, I want to thank BlackRavenWyrd. He got me into Gaia, and helped me out so much when I was a noob. We were online friends for years before, and we've even gotten to meet IRL! So, Thank you Rav-chan, for everything!

The next biggest thanks goes out to The Greatest Gift of All Guild. There are truly fantastic people. Not just for the generous anonymous gifting events they run (I joined in back during the Elving 07 event!) - but they are truly sweet caring generous personalities. These folks really listen, and they're fun too. They compose most of my Gaia friends list, and I consider them my online family.

On a smaller note, I mentioned the events the GGOA guild runs. I hope to keep track of my anonymous (and not anonymous) gifts and donations as best I can henceforth below.

*from wishlist! heart

* TM (Time Piece) and Techno-Mage - SS2011 lRhuSl (Thank You!)
*Mystery Liquid Accident - SS2011 - matching avi with gf
*ORLY? Hat - SS2011 - I love black.
*Porcelina White Prim Booties - SS2011 - "I am the Blade of the Night Sky"
*Silky Blue Scarf - Gifter X
*Romance Pendant - AB91
*Romance Pendant - SS2011 - "Black Christmas?"



Ribbon Luv Sleeves Gold - AB
*Heavenly Drapes - AB
*Cravate Demonique - Sparklie Fireworks
*TTRPG Limited Ed. Manual - Sparkle Gift Away
*Unreadable Books - Smiling gifter
*Purple Gift Box - Patriotic Sparkler
*Candy Corn Stockings - ~The Generous Baker
*Audrey Blue Heels - AB
*Assorted Contact Lens Set - Efter
*Sam's Green Elbow Pads - Patriotic Sparkler
*Marital Pendant - Sparkle Sparkle
*Black Gift Box - anonymous benefactor
*Uncanny Form - Anonymous Benefactor
*Rose and Pink Reversible Bracelets - Patriotic Sparkler
*Rainbow Jubilee - The Firecracker
*Flight of the Macaw - Delmorian Forcelancer
*Sprinkles Scarf - CassandraCassidy
*Wish Upon a Star - Delmorian Forcelancer

*Unicorn - Secret Santa - FallenCalamity
*Aquamarine UpsideDown Top - Secret Santa "Destruction"
*Suede Long Skirt - The Gifting Fairy
*Neutral Striped Legwarmers ~The CandyCane Queen~
*Sleeveless Jade Top - Sexy Elf
*G-Team Ranger Red Boots - Elf of Hope
*Shiny Black Short Shorts - starry elf
*White Tangerine Dot Dress - The Pink Christmas Tree
*Bretelles Demonique - The not so Ominous(now) Elf
*Drystan's Hair Pin - The Addcited Gifter
*The Cosmos - Delmorian Forcelancer
*Golden Sparkles - Secret Santa, who loves a wide variety of music
*Starfish Face - Hello_Cherry_Chick
*Rainbow Legwarmers & KoNfUzEd rAiNbOw ToE SoX - angel32647
*Silver Snowflake Scarf - shoppingaddict60
*Opal Borealis - Hello_Cherry_Chick

*Bubblegum Lime Striped Clown Pants - Midnight Bunny
*Yellow Space Girl Wide Skirt AND Avi Art! - The Ominous Ghost
*Meatball Fight - the 'Boo&tyful Trickster
*G-LOL Dark Mistress Stockings - Anon Ghost
*Drop Dead Gorgeous Twilight Heels - the fairy ghost-
*Trick-or-Treat Cauldron Pail - Ghostly Fairy
*Tsuru Furisode - twinkle ghost
*Gothic Butterfly - Ghost of an Illusion
*Orange and Black Striped Stockings - The Mummy Gifter &3
*Red and Black Striped Stockings - the Smutting Ghost
*Blushing Bride's Veil - Little Dead Riding Hood
*Cherry - Anon
*Drop Dead Gorgeous Moonlight Gown - the Golden Ghostie
Regalia of Ancient Fire (Circlet) - AB
*Heroes Eclipse - The Friendly Ghost
*Jack-o-Lantern Treat Pail - The Friendly Ghost
*Easter Scarf -Halloween Queen

My secret santa was PurpleLovr! Thank you for everything!
*Red Cowboy Flannel Shirt - Secret Santa - poetry
*Elven Ears (Platinum) - Secret Santa - poetry
*Red Wool Top - Secret Santa - poetry
Light Violet Scarf - Secret Santa - poetry
*Pure White Sweet Lace Bloomers - Secret Santa - poetry
*Pure White Sweet Lace Alice Bow - Secret Santa - No spaces in name
*Violet Winter Wrap - Secret Santa - The gift is the clue...
*Picnic Basket - Secret Santa - is wearing tow hues of one of the box colors (purple or blue)
Ume Blossom Hairpin - Secret Santa - The gift is the clue...
*Psychedelic Shimmer Starman Neckerchief - Secret Santa - The gift is the clue...
*Light Tanbark Leg Warmers - Secret Santa - The gift is the clue...
Onyx Kira Kira Earring with Jewel - Secret Santa - The gift is the clue...
*Pink Belled Ribbons - Zollo Rollo 43 (Gotcha Gift)
*White Tennis Shoes - Moonlight Magic
*Sno Yeti - Secret Santa - I have at least 2 capital letters in my name.
*Micheal's memories - AB
*Jay Blue Kachina Dancer's Wings - Secret Santa - I am female.
*Flashy Cut Off Shorts - Blank Anon

Ballerinas Circlet - A friend
Rainbow Neko Cospay - The Hai Everybody gifter
Valentine 2k9 Lollipop - Zakou Zenharma
White Rose Corsage - Gifting Ninja
Blush Couture Boots - Tiny Authoress
10k - Hawkeye Soaring
14k - deadly_ninja_girl_18

Easter
*Star Hairpin
*Skittles Crazy Core Contacts
*Cherry Blossoms - Lost Bunny
*Skittles Crazy Core Glasses - diaici1010
*Pingu Feet - cingenerose
*Winter Wind Snow Sweater - Strange bunny
KoNfUzEd rAiNbOw ToE SoX - anonymous benefactor
*White Ruffled Top - anonymous benefactor

Birthday Gifts!
*Old Machete - morgranite
*Cactus Green Wild West Duster Coat - morgranite
*Kiku Flower Hairpin - Silken_g1
*Smoky and Milk Quartz Headband - Tick Tock Bunny
*Emerald Milady Skirt - Laethiem
*Gift of the Gods - anonymous benefactor
*Yellow Star SKA Tshirt - river09
*Kingyo Furisode - angelbaskets
*Tropical Sarong - coolretrogal
*3 Goldfishies - AortaIV
*TLDR Hat - OhayouGackto
Birthday Cupcake - snorpy
Birthday Cupcake - anonymous benefactor
Birthday Cupcake - loquitadeindiana

*Otami Feather Cloak - anonymous benefactor
*Goldfish - anonymous benefactor
*Daisy's Breeze Dress - anonymous benefactor
*Otami Jewelry - The Illusion
*Pearl and Diamond Necklace - anonymous benefactor
*Spring Nymph - Angel of Music
*Nightmare Boots - Steal My Love
*Angelic Boots - ~The Lurker~
*Audrey's Black Ankle Strap Heels - ~The Lurker~
*Leafy Tavern Wench's Bustier - ~The Lurker~
*Audrey's Black Long Gloves - Bravo cpt
*Sven the Penguin - Lurking Bunny
*Audrey's White Long Gloves - Angel of Music
Kappa Plushie - Glompy
* White complex headband - anonymous benefactor
*Snow Feather - Granter of Wishes
*Pearl Milady Skirt - Thinkn Past
*Pink Lily Corsage - Thinkn Past
*Green/Yellow Sun visor - Thinkn Past
*Striped Stockings - Angel of Music

Cupiding 2009
*Cherry Red Polyester Pants - Steal my love cupid
*Natural Amethyst Oblong Beads - LabuLabu
*Natural Coral Oblong Beads - Steal my love cupid
*Dont ask Dont tell Gray Shirt- Labu Labu
Cupid's Crown - Steal my love cupid
*Vanessa's Photo - Labu Labu
*Roco Rochel Costume Bracelet - Hello_Cherry_Chick
*Kung Fu Panda (blue belt) - Cupid's Angel
*White Pleated Tennis Skirt - Ms. Wishes
*Pink Wool Top - Sexii Cupid
Red Tea Pot - Little Cupid
*Warm Female Starter Preppy Shoes - Anonymous Benefactor
*Aquarium Goldfish - J the Cupid x2
Bishr Doll - J the Cupid
*Silver Tiara - Labu Labu
*Jenny Doll - Granter of Wishes Cupid
*Grey University Skirt - Angel of Music
*Winter Snowflake Sweater - Labu Labu
*Red Pinstripe Shirt - Ms. Wishes
*Pink Lily Corsage - Cupid's Angel
*Drop Dead Gorgeous Dusk Gown - Ms. Wishes
*Ritzy Red Feather Fascinator - Twinkle Cupid
*Natural Jade Oblong Beads - Singing Cupid
*Natural Jade Oblong Beads - Pink Cupid
*Scarlet Sprite - Glompy Cupid
*Lovely Genie White Bangled Bra - Ms. Wishes
*Aquarium Goldfish - ADORA-CUPID
*Red Ceramic Mug - Cupid's Angel
*Cat Band - LabuLabu
*Thistle Blouse - Dark Cupid
*Ritzy White Feather Fascinator - Twinkle Cupid
Mu Plushie - J the Cupid
*White Hachimaki - Singing Cupid
Labu Necklace - Geeky Cupid
*Elegant Pearl Drop Choker
Soft Ivory Hoodie - Ms. Wishes
*Cape of Oneiros - Huggles
Red Heart Hairpin - J the Cupid
*Oh My Gumball - Glompy Cupid

Silk Bowtie - Anicraze1
*Red Uchiwa Fan
*Dead Sexy Skull Pin
* Wingin It Blue Shirt - Poofles the Pixie
*Worn Out Wild West Duster Coat - Delmorian Forcelancer
*Solar Headdress - Glompy
*Electric Sparks - Gay Gifter
*Charcoal Cat Tail - Love gifter
*Gold Locket - LaMea Ishmino
*Flamingo Feather Boa - iOhGawd
*Radioactive Apocaripped Knit Gloves - Frigid Gifter
*Teal Waistcoat - Ms Fairfield
*Brown Ritzy Wig - Ms. Wishes
*Grace of Eros - Dr Blue Wolf
*Kokeshi Doll - Mewing Gifter
*Lex's White Shorts - Christmasless Gifter
*Ume Blossom Hairpin - Mewing Gifter
Tainted Love Superstar - 4017g
*Jenny's Sweet A-line Dress - Shiny Gifter
*Lovely Genie White Belly Gem - Random Gifter

Gifts in the Snow - Thank you Secret Santa!!
12/26/08 - *Elegant Lord's Mask (Amythyst Studs)
clue: was in the Christmas in July event
1/1/09 - *Cheerleader Uniform (Team Barton)
clue: prefers the color of night and the color confused with being a veggie
(black the red (tomoato?) - also, likes writing
1/8/09 - *Kokeshi Kimono
clue: I like to go to the place where this item originated from... (Japan? zOMG?)
1/16/09 - *Lei
clue: Is a girl
1/21/09 - Purple daisy bouquet
Clue: Clarified that I was correct in guessing Durem, and the 1/8 clue was in reference to zOMG - and that they had somehting zOMG related in their siggy.
1/22/09 - *Ninja Hood
clue: They are wearing black and one of the colors of the present's bow (purple or blue)
My Secret Santa was: BugBoots

Elving 2008 - Thank you Elves!!
Holly Pin
*Flower Ankle Bands x2
*Pink Sweetheart Teddy x2
*Heart Boxers
*Berry White Gathered Tavern Wench's Skirt
*Missy Emerald Ribbon
*Wooden Sandles
*Neutral Starter Rocker Guy Tee
Jolly Cocoa Mug
*Orange Galoshes
*The 4th Amigo Guappa Tie
Zorro Mask
*Cowhide Cowboy Chaps
The Jack-O-Lantern
*Warm Starter Rocker Girl Top
Spirited 2k6 Gloves
*Cuttlefish
White Bowtie
Clown Nose
Aquarium Background (Fun Machine)
*Drop Necklace
*Silver Tiara
Lucky Star
*Missy Sapphire Ribbon
Flower on my Head
Jackster Tunic
*Aquarium Goldfish
*Green Lace-up Cork Sandals
*Anti-Fashion Green Anti-Accessory
*Blue Candy Striped Stockings
Tiny Christmas Head-Tree
Reindeer Gloves
*Lawn Gnome's Beard
Spirited 2k7 Boots
Paper-Cup Phone (red plastic)
*Antarctic White Polyester Pants
*Holly Crown
Warm Starter Pirate Puffy Pants - Musical Elf
Spirited 2k8 Santa Hat - Kumagoro Elf
*Crinkle Drawstring Top Watermelon - Sir Elf
Jolly Hot Cocoa - Geeky Elf
*Wild West Villain Stache - Twinkle Elf
*Light Gray Leg Warmers - Mewing Elf
*Collared Blue Wrap Dress - Candy Cane Elf
*Brass Raving Goggles - Geeky Elf
Helm of the Vikings - 1337 Elf
Nautilus - Geisha Elf
Lovely Genie Gold Lamp - Minxie Pixie
Unibrow - Groping Elf
*Orange-Green Winter Scarf - Sir Elf
*Christian Siriano's Pink and Black Dress - rociena
*Cuttlefish - Twitchy Elf
*G-LOL Dark Mistress Top - Sir Elf
Langer the Dragon Plush
*Thank You Letter for December 2008 - Huggle Elf
Celebrity Snare Incredible Hulk Collectible Card - Emo Elf
*Blue Pawprint Pajama Pants
Deluxe Witch's Cauldron - Dragon Elf
Berry Tavern Wench's Cincher - Mewing Elf
Red Octopus On My Head - Alice Elf
*Anti-Fashion Green-Orange Head Wrap - Christmasless Elf
*Martian Antennas - mysterious elf, Mystery Elf?
GGR - Pouncing Penguin
*Elegant Lord's Mask (Diamond Gold Falcon) - Mewing Elf
*Round Paper Lantern Blue - Pixie Minxie
GGR (6k) - Pouncing Penguin
*Blue Ribbon Skirt - christmasless elf
*Gwendy - Candy Cane elf
*Blue Winter Wrap - Geeky Elf
Radioactive Apocaripped Scarf - ______ Elf
*Water Meat Set - Glomping Elf
*Snow Witch - Glomping Elf

Ghosting 2008 - Thank you Ghosts!!
Brown Zoot Suit Calcos
Beat slim orchid shoes
Aquarium Arrow Fish
Drop Dead Gorgeous Onyx Skull Earrings
Gold Hoop Earrings
Bat Eye Patch
Leviathan's Grace (Anklets)
Gift of the Goddess
Regalia of Ancient Fire (Vest)
Thank You Letter For August 2008
Trick-or-Treat Pumpkin Pail
Aquarium Christmas Gift - Drakokaze

dominoe_shade - 15000g


I also participate regularly in AB91's secret santas:

2010SS - I gifted VampireDraculina
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Zelos Peace's clues:
I'm currently dressed as a fictional character.
Your SS love socks!
I am female and I love cats

2010SummerSS -
My SS was OneCrystalSnowAngel
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Mistypaw
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Art Stuff
This is where I plan to keep any avi art I accumulate, in an effort to make my "About Me" section a but less cluttered.

Avie Art


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A gift from The Ominous Ghost

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Art by: SkuldNevermore

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Art and colors by: Full of Mercy

Original / my recolor
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Art by: Anjel Smrti

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Art by: killuachanx3, Colors by: ME!

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Art by: A C i D A N G E L L

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Art by: GA Callisto


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Art by: drakokatze, Colors by: Mistypaw (ME!)

Other Stuff

...icons, posting graphics, stuff & things...


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My Avatars
Still working on getting this up!

Old Avatars


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Current Favorites


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Future Dreams


Halloween 08
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Holidays, Events, and Other Stuff


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Mistypaw
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The History of Me (LONG!!!)
This is essentially the Introduction entry. Getting everyone who wants to know the glory of my life up to date so when I talk about things you'll know where I'm coming from. This will be a VERY long posting, with the occasional opinionated preachiness. I've written some of these stories many times over. What I like about typewritten/Internet journals is I can now type it, and once and for all save it as a permanent record.

I was born from a Jewish mother and Christian father in the Bronx, NYC. It was my mom's only chance to have a legit in-marriage child. The marriage was falling apart due to him selling drugs and drinking obsessively, and her doing drugs. Yes, there is a chance that's why I'm hard of hearing. But bugger it, I'm not going to go nuts for things that can't be changed. Now I did have a lot of great memories as a kid. I was hardly love deprived. And I was spoiled rotten. But a lot of bad things happened too, so they tend to get forgotten. Particularly, my parents separating. I lived with my mom for some time. I found her porn collection when I was about five... so I learned the business about the bird and the bees waaay early.

My mom went to a clinic in upstate New York for some years to clean herself up. I lived with my dad and his girlfriend. I could go on with that for awhile. But let's just say it wasn't happy, since on the whole most of it wasn't too important. The only really important thing was she had children with him. I hated her for drinking and smoking during pregnancy, even as young as I was. When Anthony was born I often had to hide in the closet holding him as they threw bottles at each other. Somewhere out there I have him and his two brothers as stepbrothers that I really don’t know. I hope they are ok, though she did finally leave my dad and moved away.
During this time of my life I was the ousted person in all my classes. I always wondered if people from my old school called the new ones to tell them just what to say and think about me. I was highly imaginative and had literally a whole world of my own. Between being treated like a leper in school and my home life, and the escapist fantasies I thus indulged in, I didn't learn much in school.

In the middle of the third grade my grandparents on my mother's side went to court and had both my parents declared unfit. This was traumatizing to me. Despite everything I've been through, I still was very close to and adored my mother.
I was sent to live with some cousins in Staten Island who happened to be foster parents. They were good people, but I treated them like s**t. I was a very mad and lonely little girl then. I literally never looked up from the ground when I walked. I had my nails filed to points. There were lots of fun and funny times living there too. If I wasn't so ******** up personally it might have been the best-adjusted place I've ever lived. I still feel guilty for how I treated them. My parents had visiting rights, and I loved them despite what they did to me.

A very significant event was October 1986 (I was 7), when my dad and I carved a jack-o-lantern in the back of his pickup truck. That was the last I saw or heard of him for a long time. I remember being heartbroken waiting by the phone all day on my 8th birthday that next April. Eventually I gave up and convinced myself I didn't care, that I didn't have a Father really. About 13 years later he got back in touch with me. I even went to visit him. We're not super close - but I respect him for the courage to contact me after so much time. I understand he was sick and guilty for his past. I may never know what a real relationship with a father is like, but I’m glad to have a chance to get to know him and his side of the family a little.

My mom moved to South Florida to help grandma with grandpa, who was dying. It was very hard for her, finally being clean but still leaving me up in NY with the Foster Cousins. Grandpa had a very difficult death. Alzheimer's, strokes, and finally kidneys. It really was hard on the family. She also went to school to get a good job so she could get me back. For a few years I went to Florida to be with her every vacation. Then I did something so bad to my foster folks that I don't remember what it was. All I remember is being locked out of my room (which, when you think of it, is really worse than being locked in) and on a plane the next day. I was in the middle of the sixth grade.

Another very important point in my life was my mom getting another boyfriend. In the middle of the sixth grade I remember her picking me up with HIM in the car. His name was Darran, but these days I usually refer to him as "IT" in a tone of disgust. He was charming, handsome, younger than my mom by about a decade... and a drunk. A terrible drunk. He tried to convince me my mom didn’t love me. He told me to eat a tiny glass light bulb (which would have killed me). He threw my kitten across the room and against the wall at full force. He beat my dog. When we lived with him we ran away every weekend to Grandma’s for fear of his drunken rages. He threw furniture around and beat up mom regularly. In a drunken stupor he asked me to touch his p***s once. And yet, it was years until we were free of him. Until she stopped taking him back. I can honestly say he is a person I can wish dead. From what I hear, he’s in jail again, hopefully for good finally. And mom says he wrote to her to tell her he has brain cancer. It could be him trying to get her pity, but I hope it’s true.

I managed through middle school. The few friends I had were much younger than me because I was afraid to approach people my age. After "IT" was gone, we lived with my Grandma in her one bedroom apartment in an old folks development. Mom and Grandma slept in the bedroom. I slept on a couch in the living room.

My passions at the time were singing and reading. Singing I’ve always loved. Reading I picked up as another way to escape life. I practically lived in the library. Since I had no friends to speak of, I went on weekends from opening to closing. I moved from juvenile literature to adult Horror, Sci-Fi, and Fantasy by reading "A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy". I also loved all the "Choose Your Own Adventure" and "Pick A Plot" books . Eventually those grew tedious and I moved on to the more advanced and random "Lone Wolf" books and such. About my sophomore high school year I started to wonder what the TSR on all the books meant. With a bit of research at my beloved library I learned of Dungeons and Dragons. Except all the books on it were stolen and in the bookstore they were all in boxes or shrink-wrapped. So I gave up on that idea. Until one day in class when I over heard two people (a girl and guy) talking behind me about vampires as though they had dealt with and fought them personally. I drew the connection and turned around and talked to them. (A big deal for me, as shy as I was back then.) Through them I met a whole group of people every bit as mentally messed up and imaginative as I was. The girl, Arianna, became my best friend. The guy, Giev, invited us both to his house to play in a Rifts game run by his friend.

This was the high point of my high school life. This was what transformed me from a quiet shy messed up person to a progressively more outgoing geek with a posse. Oh, I can still be pretty shy, but nothing like I used to be. It went to my head and I got kicked out of my performing arts magnet school and had to repeat sophomore year.

Well, Rifts never did appeal to me at all, but I absolutely loved the people, so I kept at it. And, I secretly fell for and developed the worst crush in Alan, and GM running the game. He fell for Arianna, who had no real interest in him at all. A year went by and Alan and I got to subtle flirting. He invited me, and Ari, to go see Iron Maiden. And soon after that officially asked me out on a date. We progressed slowly. Stayed on the phone talking all night together, seeing each other mostly only on weekends. First kiss at about 3 months, lost virginity at 9 months or so. I got him into anime, he got me into metal. He ran games more suited to my taste. I found my first love of RPG's, Changeling: The Dreaming. It was all good.

Once out of one high school, I got into a program at an adult vocational technology school. I studied my academics proficiency based style. In other words, we took the final first, and only studied what we didn’t know. It was self paced and I made up the time I lost. I also got to try photography, and Graphic Design, and thought that was my career.

After high school I continued studying it there, and then moved on the local community college. Academics were always very difficult for me. Because of my rough upbringing, I didn't pay attention in grade school. I never got the basics, and I didn't care. Now that I did care... it was/is incredibly hard. It was always my belief that the purpose of high school was to supply a person with the basic knowledge they require for life and to peruse higher education. I was very sadly disappointed. Upon applying for college, I had to take the academic competency tests so they would know how to place me. I failed the math portion. I had never seen or heard of the problems that were on that test. Why the hell was I not told of this and prepared appropriately in high school?!? I blame the Florida school systems, which has many other problems with it as well.

I took and almost completed a technical degree in Graphic Design. It required little to no Math or Science, and I liked it. But in the real world, you don't get to create what *you* like. And since I couldn't draw, and the market was flooded with people who could both draw and self taught themselves the programs at home... it made the degree and years of studying Design useless.

You may have wondered why I'm covered by vocational rehabilitation? I was born hearing impaired. Totally deaf in my left ear, partially in the right. The doctors told my mom I'd never talk right. HA! Not only do I talk, but I sing! I'd never make pros, but still not too bad at all. However, I have no qualms at all with milking the fact of my hearing for all it's worth. It's my own personal volume control. Family yelling? TV playing too loud? Not a problem! It also has gotten me preferred seating at plays and shows. And of course, my tuition and books.

I know there is a surgery for it. However, I can still function well as I am. So I think I'll hold off and give them time to learn to do it even better. Same theory goes for laser vision correction. I do want it. But anything that major and permanent I want done as safe as possible. And I'm trying to learn American Sign Language. Maybe someday I'll even moonlight as an interpreter.

The first religious spirituality I really took to was Wiccan. I learned about it when Arianna mentioned it in conversation. It intrigued me and instead of asking her what it was, I did mostly all the research on my own. She only encouraged me once she found out of my interest. All the work and choices were my own. My family religions never appealed to me because they were never well expressed. The freedom of Wicca greatly appealed to me. I was a solitary universal eclectic Wiccan because I never could quite settle on just one tradition or pantheon. Later I simply called myself pagan.

I learned more about Judaism after I started dating Alan. His family was more observant. When I went with him to see Leonard Nemoy (Spock) give a lecture on his book of photography called Shekina, It inspired me to learn more about my family’s religion, even if they personally don’t really adhere to it. When we finally got married, I did a lot of research into Jewish traditions and customs. I found that there was a lot of symbolic symmetry between Judaism and Wicca. Also, I went to Israel for free with Birthright Israel, and I learned a lot from that trip also.

After that I wanted to express the Jewish traditions of my family, but I didn't want to give up what I loved from paganism. I still wanted to honor a god and goddess, and the seasons, and magic.That put me in a very interesting merger of interests. The closest group I was able to find that was like me then was the Jewish Renewal movement.

But it all lost momentum as I got frustrated. I stopped really observing and doing very much except for family obligatory dinners and such. I felt like an odd shape that would never fit in or be accepted in any box - or that said box would be very far away at very least. Then my husband came out to me as an atheist. At that point, it wasn't hard at all to just give it all up. If anything it was a great relief.

It's scary how my father's whole side of my family seemed cursed by cigarettes. My grandfather died from throat cancer and chain smoking his whole life when I was a child. Several years ago, my aunt fell asleep with a lit cigarette and burned herself, the apartment, and her mother (my grandmother) from smoke inhalation. She survived, but only after almost a year in coma and almost her whole body needing skin grafts. And after all of that she still smoked. And then my father followed in his father's footsteps and also got throat cancer, smoking right up to the end.

The last and hardest thing for me to give up was the idea of an afterlife. Especially just after my father passed away. I hated the idea of nothingness. I never wanted heaven or hell, if I were to choose anything it would have been reincarnation. So I could keep learning and experiencing, and see what happens in the epic story of the world and humanity. Someone pointed out to me, what I really wanted was more life. So why not just live NOW? They were absolutely right. As they say in the X-Files, I want to believe. Being a skeptical atheist doesn't mean I can't like an idea. But I look for the evidence.

Oddly, you'd think all this would make me emotionally dead. But there is still so much wonder in the world. So much to see and do! More things to learn and try! And though I wouldn't have expected it, I found support, community, friendship, and acceptance in my local atheist and skeptical groups - and I finally feel fulfilled and happy with where I'm at.

As much as I've been through, things have turned around. Whereas I once thought the darkness would never pass, I now bathe in the light of my first true love as my Husband. I have a circle of true friends with whom I can honestly trust. I am living in my own home. Yes, it's not perfect. I am still overweight, and we're financially unstable. My relationship with my In-Laws is seriously dysfunctional. I'm still trying to work out a career and college, despite the academic difficulties. I have PCOS and thus may have difficulty having a child. And I have so many things I want to see, do, read, and learn! And sometimes I feel impatient that some things may never happen. But even at my age... life never stops throwing hard curve balls your way. But after all I've been through, I'm a little more optimistic.

You're still with me? I’m impressed.
Some may wonder why I bare all on an online journal of all things.
Not private at all, I know.
These are my shadows. All real things have shadows. Upon telling Arianna my past, and her telling her own to me, we both agreed we wouldn’t trade for each others, as bad as our own were. It can consume you, or you can face it and live stronger for it. I know there are people out there who have had much worse. Who are still facing it, or who haven’t yet. That’s why I share my experiences like this. In a hope that some how maybe hearing my story might possibly help someone else out there.

"I’m the onion girl. Peel away the layers and in the middle you’ll find nothing." ~ Jilly from Charles De Lint’s novel "The Onion Girl" That middle is the soul, so don’t be afraid of it. Despite all I've been through I still believe there is goodness in the world. If you can try to live life honestly and give everything and everyone your best attempt, it leaves less room for regret, because what else could you do? Keep love and hope in your heart, and dare to be the better person even when it's hard. Find your passion and bliss, and keep it in you no matter what. Something no one can ever take away. A dream. That’s what makes it all worth while.




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