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now that is morbid. good though blaugh

Shakespeare is spinning in his grave.

J, much as I respect you and think that you have the potential to do anything you set your mind to, might I suggest that you first improve your stories, then post them? Especially when I'm going to see it.

You're trying too hard. A boy demands to know who an inner voice is and gets shot on account of stalling after shooting his father. One, be a little more realistic with the cop scenario. A minor is shot on sight after killing one person? While Marin cops are a ******** pain in the bloody a**, even they wouldn't go that far. After killing someone, would you honestly have this slap-stick a conversation in your head? Meanwhile, where is his mother? Plot device in action?

Meanwhile, you make a lousy use of your script as far as going into the character of this boy goes. The inner-workings of his mind show us a sarcastic side, but little more. We learn that this boy is a true moron for not being sensical about his situation. It doesn't work.

There's no conflict, a scrimp of a plot, and next to no depth of the character. This has no potential unless you add on or change the tone of the voice completely.

J....*shakes head*

Well the good news is that you made a hilarious peice of comedy without even realizing it. Now that truelly takes a master, but in this case, since you were trying to be dramatic and deep I just feel a great deal of pity, for you have failed miserably.

Your first fault is the beginning, the whole thing simply lacks interest and doesn't present any great things to attract a reader.

Your second fault is it doesn't improve with finishing the tale either...

Your third fault was lack of interesting or deep characters with a well thought out history or even a good strong basis people relate to. I felt no connection to any of your created characters and by the end of the book I was about ready to take a knife and kill the kid myself. He seemed like a complete moron to me, and seriously needed to be put out of his misery.

Oh yeah and there was absolutely no plot...yeah he killed his pop and now he hears a voice. But did he learn anything, was his death untimely, could it have been stopped? If there was any plot to be "unearthed" it was a very weak one.

Sorry J, but a good writer you have yet to become. Keep working though, and plan some of these things out before writing them down. Oh and read over your work for spelling errors, since I found many.

This IS a first draft and I'm not incredebly proud of it but I made it over the course of 3 hours for a two page drama to be preformed in about a week. I just felt like posting my first script. It's first draft, first try, first everything. I plan on improving. ALOT!