Dear God,
We never meant to hurt anyone. We just wanted to be together, to be happy. Can't you understand that? We were in love. I know that we sinned... that we must be punished... but, God, don't punish Tneme for my lust. Take me in his place--I don't want him to suffer. I'll go to hell in his place. I will eat his sins and die for him, but if you take him, I will never forgive you.
We were in love... We are in love, and we always will be. I don't care what other people say, it is you who must judge us, not them. Do not punish us for loving. We are sorry, but we do not regret it... we won't take it back.
Rory
* --- * --- *
I was young when I first found out. I was fifteen... So many people say that it's impossible for someone so young to fall in love. They're wrong--it doesn't matter how old you are. Everyone has a match... it just takes some people longer than others to find that one true love. It may sound corny, but it's true. For me, it took fifteen years. Fifteen years of knowing him, and being around him to know that I loved him.
No...
Fifteen years to realize that the love I held for him was different than I thought. Fifteen years to realize that he was the one.
We were at the movies when I first realized it. He'd just turned twenty, so he could take me into R-rated movies without getting the "you-can't-take-him-in-there-without-a-parent" speech. (Thank God for that...) He took me to see some dirty movie... I don't remember what it was called. I could tell it had an effect on him--he loved girls. He teased me when I blushed. I liked that. I loved that he teased me. Maybe it was just lust at first, but I played like I didn't like it so he'd keep going. (That's called reverse psychology, I guess. It works.)
"You're showing," he'd say, and I'd look at him like I didn't know what he was talking about. He'd reach between his legs, then, and grin at me. I'd blush and look away, covering myself with my hands... pretending they were his. That didn't help at all, but I liked it.
By the time the movie got out, it hurt for both of us to walk, and both of us for different reasons: He was fantasizing about that blonde girl from the movie, and I was fantasizing about him.
I got to stay at his place that night... His dorm was black. He said it attracted girls. His bed was huge. (Three guesses why...) It was only two twin beds pushed together, though, with king-size sheets. I grinned, because none of them matched. The fitted sheet was white, and the other sheet was blue. (I could tell because his bed was unmade...) The blanket was black. It turned me on... I don't know why. He'd three pillows... one with a zebra case (who knows where he got it). Another had a naked picture of Paris Hilton on it, and the last one didn't even have a case.
His computer was on. I remember thinking that he probably had a lot of porn on it. I'd never watched porn before, but he had-Tneme loved it. The screen saver was funny, though... I liked watching the dog poop all over the place and tear things apart. I didn't look around much before I saw him undress. He sprawled out on his bed, and pulled the sheets up. "You sleepin' on the floor?" he asked.
I shook my head, and took off my own clothes. I crawled in next to him, and got as close as I could without him suspecting... When he thought I was asleep, he touched himself. I could hear him, and I loved the way it sounded. His voice sent hot chills down my spine. I wanted so badly to look at him... to watch. I couldn't, though... and I hated it.
He had laughed at me when he got out of the shower the next morning. I was staring, and we both knew it. "We need to get you a girl," he said. "Or maybe a guy, considering the way you watched me last night. I wonder..."
I froze, and I knew that my face went pale. Or, maybe it got red. I didn't know... I couldn't feel at all. My whole body must have gone completely numb, aside from the pounding of my heart. I wanted to die...
"Yeah, you watched..." he said, and I jumped. Had I spoken? I looked at him with wide eyes, and he laughed. "Dude, Rory... I don't care if you're gay. I've got plenty of queer friends. Maybe I can hook you up. Whatcha think?"
"Mom would kill you..." I said, without even realizing I'd spoken.
"Yeah? She doesn't have to know. Ror, I lost my virginity in Jr. High, man! She still thinks I'm a virgin!"
"Jr. High?" I asked. I was shocked, I guess. I shouldn't have been... but I was. It ruined the perfect image I had of my older brother. Yes... my brother.
"Yeah," he said again. I wished he'd use a different word... always "yeah."
"To who?" Why did I care?
"Jamie." I didn't know what to think, honestly. Jamie? Our old babysitter? That grossed me out. Jamie was a slut.
"Yeah, she was... but she was hot."
I had to stop doing that... I knew I'd end up saying something stupid if I didn't stop speaking out like that. I'd end up confessing my feelings... My dirty, animalistic intensions would be bared, and he'd be disgusted. I didn't want to talk about Jamie anymore, though... so I did my best to change the subject. "Can I stay here all weekend?"
"Sure, I'll get you a guy, too."
God, he just couldn't get off that damn topic, could he? Wasn't there ever anything else on his mind? "I don't want one, Tneme."
"A girl, then?"
"I don't want one!"
"All right, then, forget it..."
He didn't forget it, though. The same topic came up again and again, until I was sick of it. After a while, I thought I would lose my damn mind. I nearly blew my cover twice... I was actually beginning to regret asking to stay all weekend... until Saturday night, at least.
He'd ordered pizza, and spent half the evening necking with some slut. I hated watching. I wanted to rip her hair out when she started touching him. Instead, I announced the feeling of nausea that was "moving into my throat." That got her running: she left twenty minutes later. Tneme was pissed... The only excuse I could think of was my overwhelming boredom.
I guess it worked, though... He rented a bunch of movies, and we ate pizza and popcorn. Well, he did, at least... I couldn't eat. I kept staring at him He was lying on his side right beside me, watching a naked girl get murdered with bored eyes. He was so close to me... so achingly close. He moved to lie on his stomach, shoulder brushing mine. I watched him grab m soda, and sip from it. I reached to take it from his hand before he put it back down, and brought it to my lips. For that moment, I was kissing him. Our lips were "touching."
I heard him laughing, and opened my eyes. My cheeks burned, but when I looked at him, I realized he wasn't laughing at me... he was laughing at the TV. I don't think I have ever felt so relieved in my life... I just put the drink down, and leaned back, staring at the television too intently to actually see anything that was happening on it.
Tneme must have noticed. He put his hand on my thigh-an innocent action, but, oh, it gave me shivers. I whimpered a little, and he said my name twice.
"Man, are you even listening?" he asked. "You got the runs or something?" s**t, that was romantic... I groaned a little. That had totally ruined the mood. The mood that I had made up in my head. ********.
"I'm fine. Just tired..."
"Oh. Y'wanna crash?" he asked as he stood, and turned the TV off.
"Yeah, I guess." I stood, then, and took my shirt off. I couldn't believe it at first, but he grabbed my n****e. I couldn't believe it at first, but I hit that hand away and stumbled back. "What the hell're you going?!"
He laughed and took his own shirt off. "You should get your n****e pierced."
"Gross, no way."
"I'll do it," he muttered. "C'mon!" I watched him grab a needle, and wash it off. When he came near me, though, I backed off.
"No, man! Get away from me!"
He was laughing, and for the first time since I'd gotten there, I wanted to punch him. "I'll give you one of my rings. We can be n****e twins!" He laughed again, and grabbed my arm. "Don't be a p***y."
I let him pull me forward, and he shoved me onto his bed. I sat up, and started to move back, but he grabbed the front pocket of my pants. I let him... the feeling of his hand there gave me chills.
"Just let me," he mumbled. I didn't know what to say. I just nodded dumbly, and watched him. My eyes widened when he put the needle to my n****e, and pressed it in. I made to scream, but he covered my mouth. "Shut up, man! There are other people living around here!" I jumped when the needle broke through, and gasped. I would have cursed and yelled at him... but what he did next shocked me more than anything in my life...
"It's bleeding more than it should," he grumbled out... or maybe I only imagined him saying that. Maybe I made that up to give him an excuse for what he did. He leaned in after pulling the needle back out, and licked the blood off. I gasped-I know I did. I might have even whimpered a little. He leaned back again, and wiped the rest of it off with a damp napkin. I didn't know where he'd gotten it, though... it seemed to come from nowhere.
"Tneme..." I whispered. He gave me an odd look, and for a moment, I thought I'd crumble and die under those eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asked me, his mature voice shockingly gentle for once.
"It hurts," I lied. Maybe I wasn't lying. It did hurt... but maybe I wasn't talking about the ******** needle. I could feel hot tears tolling down my cheeks. I'd never seen so much worry and guilt in my big brother's eyes before. That look hit me like a ton of bricks.
I did it. I crumbled.
I started crying, and I just couldn't stop. My poor brother panicked. He put his arms around me, and pulled me into his embrace. "H-hey, man..." he said. "Sorry, Rory... stop crying. If you really didn't want it, I wouldn'ta-"
I put my fingers over his mouth... and immediately, I wished I hadn't. I couldn't just stop there, though... his eyes, those damn eyes, told me what he expected something more. I gave it to him. I leaned up... my heart throbbed, and my head spun. I couldn't think-God, I couldn't even breathe! My lips touched his, and I heard him gasp. Immediately, I knew that I'd ******** up. I made to pull away, but something stopped me... something was holding me there.
I was shocked when I realized that my brother's hand was on the back of my head. His tongue actually slipped into my mouth, and I made a soft, startled noise. Before I could even return the kiss, my back was against the bed. I pushed him away, then... God knows why, though. "What are you doing?" I asked through gasping pants. Lord, I must have been a sight... lying there with my chin-length hair all a mess, cheeks flushed and pale against the dark of that tussled mane. My shirt was still on the floor... on the floor and safe. I was gasping for air... but so was he. Even though I'd pushed him back, my brother's hands... his beautiful, pale hands were on the fly off my ripped jeans. He'd unbuttoned them at one point... He'd even unzipped them, and I didn't realize it.
"What are you talking about?" he hissed, sounding hurt. For a moment, I'd forgotten what had happened. I forgot that I pushed him away... I forgot that he'd kissed me back... that my screams were coming true. He got off of me, and I felt like an idiot. I knew I started to cry, because he yelled at me to "shut the ******** up, or I'll kill you!"
In that instant, I knew I'd screwed up. I knew that I'd ruined everything. I could have had him right there... For that moment, he wanted me as badly as I had wanted him, and I'd ******** up.
I wanted to die.
I laid there on that bed, my fly open... pants tugged down a little on my thighs. My lips were swollen from that kissed. I listened to him move around... but I couldn't look at him. I wanted to just die. I don't know how long I was lying there like that. Could have been hours. Could have been days... I still don't know. Everything between that moment, and the next morning is still a blur-a fuzz in my mind that comes back to haunt me in my dreams.
It's times like that I'm glad I have his body to curl up next to: our bodies naked and smooth-warm under our heavy blanket-and safely tucked in each other's arms. It's times like that I'm grateful for everything about him... for his dark, probing eyes... and that quickly fading blue dye in his bleach blonde hair; for his pale lips that whisper my name when we made love, and for his gentle hands that push my damp hair from my face at night, so he can see my eyes when I whisper back to him...
"I love you, too... Tneme."
* --- * --- *
Dear God,
We never meant to hurt anyone. We just wanted to be together, to be happy. That's why we left Newport, and came here. We can be happy here, and no one has to know. I don't care if I go to Hell... as long as I'm with him forever.
Rory