Just when 2021 starts. The s**t show begins. It’s so hard not to see this year as a wash too. I hope for some normalcy at least,

This week has been an absolute s**t show. First my brother got covid over the weekend. He and I haven’t always had the best relationship growing up. He didn’t show me he cared, he wouldn’t protect me when I needed it as an older brother. He knew how to cut me with his eyes closed(literally). My brother was a bully. Pushed me around in school. Called me names. Would shove and throw stuff at me while yelling obscenities if he was mad as opposed to talking to me. We had some physical altercations too at different times. But honestly. Beyond Alllllll that. We are both adults now. I’ve always wanted to be better friends. He and I like the same things mostly, we relate in a lot of ways when we have heart to heart conversation. We get along great. And he’s a good person as much of a idiot he can be /could be. I love him. I’ve much appreciated how our relationship had improved in later years. As we are both adults. I would much rather live with forgiveness in my heart than bitter poison. I’ve found this to be true for all my relationships and relationship conflicts. Romantic, friends and other. If you can forgive offenses. And trespasses. You will be much more at peace. It took me a long time to understand this. I still struggle with feeling hurt from things I haven’t had closure. But the relationships that matter are what’s in front of me. And I can even forgive those I haven’t had closure with and do, I can also forgive myself, and I can repent and change my ways. My brother He is one I’ve been working on healing over the last 4 years. I’ve had to forgive a lot. There’s some things I hope we can work through, Biggest thing is how I’m treated. As long as he continues to treat me with respect now.... I can forgive him. Even if he doesn’t and things go south..... I still will forgive in my heart. As that’s what family does. We work through trials, challenges. I never even if I wasn’t in this mindset would want him to have covid. He’s having a rough time this week. Worried for him. I want more time to continue to build on the good things, it’s like I was waiting for him. And he was waiting for me too. And we have so much time ahead of us as young adults. I will be devastated if seeing that heal is stifled from covid. So I ask for prayer. He’s had a better day today and yesterday. Not hospitalized or anything. I’m just worried.

I really hope 2021 doesn’t become a year of “remember when we thought 2020 was bad ?”

the way this week has been it’s hard to stay positive but I’m trying.
An attack on our Capitol to over throw an election ? Baseless claims of voter Freud. Fear of a dictator in America being all the more validated. Not only that. I see so many double standards in our society. If your not following the news. The American Capital was invaded by our own. I’m not a trump supporter. Never was. Sorry. I cannot morally support him. Or be pressured to just because he is anti abortion. Which I’m aware is a lot of Christians stances. Honestly , while we must tackle that issue yes. There are much bigger issues we must face immediately. Immigration, children in cages, race division, political division, health care and many others. In speaking with my friends who support trump. They support him because of his stance on abortion but don’t like him otherwise. I’m just stating my thought here it’s okay if we disagree. if your in this stance I get it.....But it just simply does not make since to vote on one point. To me the dangerous possibility of a dictatorship no pun intended trumps everything else. But I also know they don’t see him as a threat and think it’s over blown. I don’t believe so. But it is what it is. This is just my conclusion on it. If I were to say this on fb. I’d get deleted by many lol. Simply for disagreeing. Friendship to me is more valuable. Than a political view. I will never let that come between me and you. I hope to be treated the same. Love each other as humans first. Maybe if we hear each other. We will move forward as opposed to this spiral. That is my hope. I am a small fish in a big sea. I hope though I can make a difference some how with my life. We shall see.

What bugs me about this week.... people still want to use the Bible to justify their support for what feels like a bully. Their support for theft, robbery, threats of murder.and more. I don’t see how this is helpful. For anyone. It hurts. And it sucks that these very people. Stormed our Capitol. As if they felt justified they were in a revolution. Proud to be apart of a mass riot destroying government property during our election vote with the electoral college. It’s bad enough that it’s the Capitol. A symbol of our democracy. But to do it on a day of a vote for a new president. Speaks volumes. I cannot understand this mindset. There was not cheating of mass magnitude. To over throw the election. The baseless claim about mail in votes I find infuriating. They’ve been legal for years. And now he goes after them ? Saying they shouldn’t be counted? That’s voter suppression. We are in a global pandemic. People are just trying to survive and do their best. And he wants to invalidate their votes simply because it’s mail in ? Aren’t we forgetting too that the military also mails in their votes ? I mean it’s not too hard to see the true motive here. He knew he told his base covid is over blown. That it’s not real. Not as bad as it is. And not to be worried about. He lied. There is recorded proof and yet no one holds him accountable. It’s sad. I’m tired of feeling gaslit. Unheard. And frustrated. Many of these people. Have tunnel vision. And don’t take cautions at all. They won’t be aware of it till they experience it themselves. If they do. I don’t want any one to. I just want normal. But we have to face the reality that this is what it is now. So I’m adjusting. Adapting. Learning to adapt has been hard. But this is only temporary. It’s just a sad very frustrating world we are in right now. Feels like the apocalypse. I know I’m being dramatic. But I’m rather frustrated and just venting. No I’m not looking for debate. A conversation respecting each other as humans first sure. I’m so tired of not feeling heard when I speak. I’m tired of double standards.

When people raided their Capitol they easily got in. How did they ? Because of a double standard. The subconscious thought of these people are white and Republicans. They are safe. And yet if Black and brown folks were to even try they would get no where close. The Capitol would look much like it did with the military lining the streets and an over amount of guard up. This does appear to be a double standard. It hurts. Breaks my heart. I hope and pray our country can heal. I’m so sick of the endless s**t thrown at me. And yet I know I’m here for a reason. I am hoping to make something out of my life some how. Even in this mess. I hope to bring people together some how. With gods help I hope to help. Through my art. With creating diverse inclusive events and art. I hope to use it to bring people together of all walks of life. To foster love and healing conversation,

It’s hard to focus on moving forward right now. I’m stuck at home. Bored most days. Trying to work but not having energy or knowing where to begin. Trying to set goals has been hard cause it’s like will it all just get cancelled again ?! I lost on an entire year of work. I had projected my biggest year yet in business in entertainment. I’ve quadrupled since I first started. And last year. All of that momentum haulted. I’m trying to gain it back. But now I’ve just lost my drive some what to source work, post art every day, call corporate businesses to pitch my brand. Which I always get 1 out of 5 sales from that as people love the art and the experience I offer. I truly believe in it. And believe it has power to heal. Hopefully this year. We will see better things. I’m struggling to see it this week. But I just pray to continue to be blessed. I have to stay strong for my family. I want to see the healing that can continue there too. I’ve been working on healing my relationships there. Had to set boundaries. Years ago of. I won’t be alone with you, don’t make decisions for me, don’t hit me, don’t yell, if you do these things I will leave, treat me like an adult, don’t put me in the middle of your mess and expect me to clean it up. I’m not an object. Once I set these and let my actions on how they were set show for themselves. It got better slowly and is still slowly getting better. To anyone struggling w family. There is hope here. I prayed and prayed for years. And it finally came. Let’s hope we have a better year. And let’s continue to unite, and love each other as ourselfs. I treat others as I want to be treated. I ask the same from my friends too. And I pray we can all be here to see the light behind the shadows. The beauty in the ashes. As I believe there has to be some even if we can’t see it.

Happy New Year!

Mood:sad/processing
Music:Blue October -Stay with me. Guys. I treated myself to their new album for Christmas. This is what I live for. It’s soooooo gooood. As usual. Tells a story. Of a struggle to breakthrough. A theme usually for them. I love how positive they have become. This song fascinates me.