Hi all. So this is going to be an interesting entry. I'm struggling with a lot right now.... I'm struggling right now And I'm trying to figure out how to put life back together. Quarantine has been so hard. Its been a good time of reflection. And thats led to me questioning things sometimes. And it has me reflecting and questioning things and sometimes wondering the what ifs of life if things turned out differently ..... please pray for me as this has been so hard.

I also have been struggling with something else. I've been reflecting a lot. And wanting to make amends with a lot of folks I know I hurt when I was younger. Especially the way I handled things I hate the old me..........From relationships to friendships. I know I was an idiot. And I wish I wasn't. I already explained I was trying to shield myself from being hurt worse by acting specific ways but I ended up hurting myself and others around me worse.I have learned and grown since and things have improved drastically however now that I'm in a better place I want to apologize and make amends I just don't know how with some folks I used to know or even if it matters to some.....

I want to make things right and ask for forgiveness from those friends and am slowly figuring that out....... That includes a ex I lost touch with.....I can't remember fully what happened because I was so heart broken. When I was finally available and ready to try something he was no where to be found. I couldn't get in touch with him and eventually I got a new phone and lost his number. I was worried for his life when I couldn't get to him again. I wept bitterly when I lost contact with him.....Because of what it could have been between us but also because he was always saying how depressed he was. It was terrifying I literally checked the obituary due to a friends advice back then for his area because I was so afraid of what might have happened to him..... I wish I knew.....

It has been years since then. And I moved on. however I still want to apologize to him for the way things were if I can find him. Back then I was going through so much I didn't have time to barely even process that then. Now I have plenty of time to think and I realize how wrong I was. And I want to apologize. I just don't have a way of reaching him anymore.......Sadly I think he either changed his number and lost my contact and I lost his contact info when I got a new phone. I'm like if only i could find him on FB or something and re connect so that I can apologize. Make amends and set things right. I want to know how he's doing. I hope he's alive.... And well I hope all of his dreams are coming true.

Well.....out of curiosity sake I did a google search. Because I didn't know if he was alive and was curious if the internet could tell me. I found him on a site that lists if someone is alive or not. I was so relieved I cried..... Then I saw that he signed in here. And I cried even more. I wish I had never lost connection with him. I don't know what happened. I had wanted to try and make it work. At this point though its way too late I'm married and my husband is amazing. We have some issues but like he treats me well. I can't help but wonder the the what ifs of everything and just get mad at myself even more..... Anyways for those who pray. Please pray. I found his number on line. Do I send a text? I'm scared of the reaction that might get some 12 years and a sweet husband later........I hope and pray for reconciliation. Or at least for an apology to help heal his heart because I hate how I treated him back then. I hope he has the woman of his dreams and I hope she treats him like a king he is such a sweet heart..... and deserves it.... I hope he's happy and has a job and is living his best life. If your out there. You know who you are you are welcome to reach out to me. I will not even use screen names at this point because I want this to remain as anonymous as possible.

Thanks for those who listen.

Music: Aryeon-The Source (I just discovered this album and Omg. It is so so so good. collab efforts from Nightwish, Blind Guardian, Eppica, Aventasia, Dream Theatre and more? *falls over and dies in a pit of glory* lmao but seriously its so good. take a listen.