I hope you all have been well in this ridiculous insanity of this thing we call 2020...... This pandemic is something else isn't it? I've been quarantined since march... and had soooo much time for reflection. Its been hard. I've not had work like usual. But my friends and family life has blossomed. Its been so good. and its only because of god that it has been this good lately. I want to post a public apology and disclaimer about this journal going forward. First and fore most. I want to apologize to my friends and family and viewers on here......I am sorry. I was a child when I first started Gaia...... And I was a child having to take on too many real world problems. I didn't know who to turn to. And I was going through a lot. In a pit of depression and life challenges. I over shared so much on here. There was so much drama in my life then. Be it family or friends. And I seemed to only post the bad. Not the good. A good friend of mine who I miss dearly and have lost touch with told me once. That I seem to only post negative stuff here. And In looking back. He was right. I started to make changes. It was just so hard to focus on the positive. But I started to focus on the positive.... because I got one life to live as my band blue October states.......When my life was falling apart....... I didn't know what to do who to turn to. I was loosing friends because I talked about my life too much. And other reasons too..... It was just a hard very lonely season. I've since come out. And I've come out stronger and better and I've grown and learned and experienced much healing since.
I want to continue my story...... honestly and openly..... but with more self respect now. And I am pleased to say. That I have an amazing relationship with my mother now. I have ranted quite a bit in past posts... Some I've made private because I realized in reading through them I over shared too much and didn't want that out there now. However I am comfortable saying an update there as I want to share this positive one... She finally came out and was honest about her lies I made a lot of posts about that. She admitted to her relationship with Mary( whom back in 2005 I ranted about a lot)....She was honest about not treating me right, and for her drinking too much. THATS ALL I EVER WANTED. was an apology. And an honest confession. I wanted respect.I wanted boundaries. I wanted a healthy relationship with her. Full of love and care. It has taken a lot of re building a lot of re pairing. A lot of healing. A lot of boundaries and hard... VERY hard conversations....... But Over the last 8 years. God really has restored my relationship with my mother. And the rest of my family...There was more that I didn't share that happened too....... It sucked and was terrible and I don't wish that on anybody. But I over came. And I am a strong woman now. who has grown to love care and respect myself now. I am embarrassed that I went off the way I did on here. I am sorry for those readers who put up with my BS.....Thank you so very much for your encouragement and your support along the way. To my friends who are on here who have been with me through thick and thin. Thank you as well. I'm looking at you Gwen, Synalle. And To my friends Who I'm out of touch with and all of you. I'm sorry I tried to be a good friend and I cared but there was so much going on I couldn't see how I was hurting others......I could have been a better friend then. I was growing. And going through a lot. And while its not an excuse for not asking how your doing, or showing up for you when you needed it, or for only talking about my issues... I hope its an explanation that can provide understanding. Now that I am in a better place. I see in spending time reflecting. My faults. And I hope you all can forgive me. I hope we can grow together. And love each other. and move forward in peace.
Further I realized something over the years....... and in this time of reflection. I was afraid of being hurt. And I ended up hurt.....over and over and over and over......My defenses ended up being knives that I created myself. Here is what I mean. I safe guarded a lot. I was choosing to be a hyper active kid. In order to not let people see my sensitive side.In order to not let peolpe see me..... at my core..... I was a beatiful soul. Yet for some reason I felt if people saw me It meant I could be hurt worse... and why was my mind set. When I wasn't good enough..... I tried to play it off like I didn't care what people thought. But in reality I did.......A lot and it cut me to the core. if people saw that I cared.... I could be hurt worse than I already was was my mind set. But oh how wrong I was.......I was a baby girl...... Who didn't know how to trust because trust had been broken and I had been violated.... more times than I can count........ I was a hurt child who was over sharing and overly open. Because if everyone knows my s**t its all out there. Then What more do I have to loose? Who cares what people think. Was my thought. I was barely surviving and its true. So Who cares? I had walls up. And held people at arms length. I didn't trust easily.... I took lots of convincing and love and warm caring earned trust from my amazing man....to even commit to that relationship after everything. Its been hard. But I wouldn't change it. Because now. I have a beautiful testimony of healing and redemption. I hope this encourages someone else struggling with family issues. Or a parent who is lying and abusive. I hope it provides you courage and strength in knowing you are not alone. I hope this is a testimony that you can over come. I am no longer a child who falls victim to abuse and goes into shock and lets people walk on her. I am a powerful over comer.
And you are too!!!!
So. I want to end this blog saying Thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. I am happy to share more of what happened in a private message. I want to end on a positive update. and also talk about my work regardless of covid..... before signing out for the night.......
Leading up to this year. I had some amazing things happen. I lost my business in clothing due to theft from my so called investors of my sales. and I was not able to put money back in like I had dreamed. Because they took all of it from sales. If Anybody on here has contacts to fashion design lawyers.... or layers who specialize in business Please connect me. I've moved on. But I would love to be able to put that company in their place...... Aside from that. I have since rebuilt after a fail the first time. And I've re built stronger. I have my own business. I worked 2 jobs as a fashion illustration teacher for awhile. And a bridal stylist. And then I got so much contract work I started doing that for event entertainment instead. and woa baby...... I started making BANK doing live fashion illustration. Its a dream and I cant believe I'm in it. Ive done work over the last 4 years for Billy Reid, Alice and Olivia, Robert Graham, Ragtrade of Atlanta, Atlanta Fashion Week, Phoenix Fashion Week, Harts-field Jackson International Airport, Local runway shows, Local designers, weddings and much much more. I design too sometimes for a local bridal boutique. I help with custom brides. This year work has been minimal at best. But I believe it will come back!!!! I am making changes this year too. Its so crazy to see my life some 15 20 years later from 2005 to now...... I never imagined things could be this ... good. And I imagine it will be better! Stay tuned for more updates.... I will post more about what I intend this blog to be tomorrow. Thank you for sticking with me. And thank you for hearing me. Thank you for forgiving me. And for giving me a a chance. If you all need a ear I'm happy to listen to you as well. I may or may not sign in much anymore. But Gaia holds a special place in my heart. I hope it always is a hub for people who love anime and other things. The world needs fun places like this for people to connect!!!
With love gratitude and blessings.
Music:Muse:Undisclosed Desires (Really the entire discography....... when I listen to muse.... I listen ... to muse..... and I go allllll the way through their discography. Why? I just cant stop lol Its all so good!!!! )
Sending love to you all. Thank you again and see you next time !!!!! Stay well. Stay alive, Stay safe. And praying for us all.
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