Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I slipped up. I’m going to delete everything soon & start over again. I shouldn’t have sent the playlists. I need to do things right. I need to keep my feelings out of it. We just need to talk things out & move on. I’m so sorry. All of this is just too much. I’m sorry to me for undoing & ruining a safe space. & ruining the progress I made with Him. & I’m sorry to Him for the mess that this is/I am. & for hurting Him. I’m not surprised he was angry. I shouldn’t have tried to make him fight. But what is the right thing to do? I could’ve talked more, reassured him more, not been so one sided/let him do more things for me... I’ll spend the rest of forever thinking of what I could’ve done different. I’ll never forgive myself. But I’ll never know for sure if we would’ve made it either way. Even if I hadn’t ended things the way I did. Would we still be together
Would he still want me like I want him
Would he want that future
I was Iright on the edge of sleep. But I was thinking of him so I messaged him & there goes my sleep
I gotta try again. For the sake of the meeting.
Honestly, I might cancel. What’s the point? It’s good money. But I don’t have the emotional capacity for what they want. I’ve been out the game so long, & when you have the perfect submissive it’s damn near impossible to get back into it no matter what’s on the table.
I’ll cancel. I’m done. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m not a switch. I’m not a sub or a Dom. I have no drive. I’m tired. & though I’m losing weight/getting the shape I wanted it’s just for goofs now.

I’ll spend tomorrow working out & visit my folks. Maybe make them dinner or take Ryan to the store to see what he wants to make

I’m so tired...

I really hope I didn’t ******** things up too bad
But honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if after all this we never speak again

& I don’t mind if you hate me
Cuz babe if I were you
I would probably hate me too