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So it looks like I have the job… I’ll be doing the tour of the growing facility down here in Maryland as well as the prime facility and locations in York before I make my final decision, but it’s looking like this company is the way I’ll go and I’ll be sticking with them for a while… My new four year plan is almost solidified thanks for this new job, I just need to meet up and finish planning out my schooling… I was so worried about always being busy, and that I didn’t even realize that I have a lot of holes to relax once I finally do get everything solid. so worried about how im going to maintain relationships, romantic and platonic, that wasn’t even explain my options because I thought it was gonna be damn near impossible. Now that I know it’s a possibility, and options are popping back up… And when I say options, I just wanna say how crazy it is that even if I do a thing in the past and say that I’m done with it, it’ll still try to rear its head in the future. Still find myself wanting an alternate option that I know that I don’t have. At least in the way that I want it. There’s not much I can do about that now. I wanted to talk, but he’s not ready. If I’m being honest, the more I think about it the more I feel like the reason why I kept lashing out and leaving him so many times because he left me in the first. In first place. It wind it down to the point where I was barely talking to you, we talked almost all the time every day and every night. Can you imagine you go to being so close to somebody that you’re basically sleeping and breathing at the same time it’s crazy to think of your life without them. I have worked my life around this one person and then I didn’t have them anymore. And then even though I got him back he didn’t matter because it wasn’t the same. It was that residue that familiar feeling because I know he knows and I know he still feels the same but things change even if Feelings don’t and it affects it so the fact that I got him back doesn’t mean anything because I lost him even though I thought I had him forever. So now anytime that I think of forever with him seems almost impossible. And I do want to say that it did seem impossible in the beginning to, but for a different reason. More like I had to wait like it will take a while to get to that point but as time went on I found out that it wasImpossible because our stars are just not going to align that way. Even if I moved over there he moved over here be a matter of our two worlds melding not only causes the way that we want to romantically but to build that foundation for the future that we want. I know for me it’s a family. So the fact that his mom didn’t like me crushed me. I mean my mom doesn’t like him, but I don’t tell him that. Pretty much the only people in my family that like him at this point is my grandmother and my cousin and I think it’s because they know how much I like him but everyone else likes in the same amount that his family likes me.It’s crazy they tell me that I’m out of his league or whatever I spent the entire relationship wanting him to think that I was worth it I’m worried that he would leave me or cheat on me. the feeling of the cheating went away because I knew that he loved me but I couldn’t trust the rest of the world and took it out on him but all seems to come back to him but all seems to come back to the fact that I am intense I am passionate I’m not too much but maybe I’m too much for him maybe he just can’t handle what he thinks he wants and in an attempt to try everything else goes to the Wind. I don’t think logically we don’t think about the fact that if we had met on that computer program on this computer program we never would’ve met ever. That alone is a scary thought. Now that I have all the pieces falling together and pushing to keep it this way pushing to keep things stable becoming the person that I’ve always wanted to be I still come back to this and I still come back to him for now I’m stuck and I’m tired just so tired and the kind of love And the kind of love that we had the kind of love that he gave me in the way that it made me feel it was indescribable I’ll probably never get that back and it’s times like this it’s one of the things that I miss the most This is my first time using the voice to text with my typing and I’m hoping that it’ll help get more raw emotions out I spent too much time thinking about what I’m going to type but I end up losing a good bit of it

Seems to be decent. It’s just for me anyways.
I’m ready to be alone for the rest of my life
I’m tired & im getting used to this emptiness. I hope it turns to comfort once I find my personal peace.

What good would one last kiss do? One more hug? That’s what got us here this time. We were there. Alone. & every time you talked I watched your lips.. remembering how they felt against mine.. against my skin.. how you held my body when you wanted me more than air.. & I needed one more kiss. & I was hooked again.
I think I’m ready.
This is about Him. He is Alan. Alan has my heart still. He can keep it.
I need to get my s**t together. Keep it together.
With or without Alan.
I’ll always be ok.