I grew up in a single parent household. My mom took care of me while I got to visit my Dad 1-2 times a month until I was older. I always saw my mom as my hero. When school would make me write an essay on "who in your life is a hero and why", it would always be my mom. I would always write about how strong she was and amazing for not only raising me, but also being able to provide many experiences along the way. Going to the beach and seeing the ocean, going to the zoo and looking at the giraffes. Not many kids I had gone to school with were able to experience those things, and I felt proud to have a mom who was able to give me such a gift at a young age.
That only made me want to be a Mom even more.
When my Dad decided he was ready to love again and begin a new family, I was introduced to my step-mom. I always remember how much she cared about me and how I was. She was always my best friend and I looked forward to not only visiting my dad, but now being able to spend "girl time" with my Step-mom. She eventually blessed me with a sister and a brother. When my sister was born, I remember holding her. She was so little, and so precious. She would smile in her sleep and look at me with her big brown eyes. Not only did I fall in love with being a big sister, I knew I wanted a child of my own one day. I wanted not only a child, I wanted a family.
Over the last 5 years, I had thought I found the man for me. We were engaged, we had talked about having children. Was this dream finally coming true? No. We ended up splitting up and my world came crashing down. This was someone who I could growing old with. Someone I knew everything about. Someone i could have a family with. Gone in the blink of an eye. It's been a little over a year now, and I will admit i am still heartbroken. However now the real issue, feeling like i won't be able to have children. I am almost 27 years old. In another 3 years, it will truly become a race against my body. I have been left feeling hopeless with no prospects in sight.
When i am with someone else's child, i feel a sense of heartbreak. "this could be my child", "I could be pregnant right now", and many more thoughts cross my mind. I tend to distance myself from the child and unintentionally become cold. I see it happen, and am unable to stop it. Although I have no place to say it, I'm going to release an honest thought: I compare the feeling i have right now about not having kids, to someone who is unable to bear children. I almost had this dream realized, and then it was gone. A loss i could put no name on. (please don't come for me).
I want to wrap this up with a dream I had last night. The amount of emotion I felt was so real, I had woke up with tears in my eyes. In my dream, I had a baby girl. My mom had come to visit me, and i handed the pink bundle to her. My baby was in a light pink onesie, she had bright red hair (red hair runs in our family), and the biggest brown eyes. My baby was small but she was lively. I remember looking into my baby's face and thinking to myself "i made that, that's my daughter, that's MY child." I get tears in my eyes just thinking about that, thinking about the joy i had felt, how proud i was to finally be a mom, thinking about the life i would be able to give her. This emotion is so real to me, it's put me in an almost depressive state of mind. I hope, and am sure, I can live this life i wish for everyday.
