OMG so I can't believe I haven't been on this website since about 2015 lol. While looking back at a lot of my journal entries I laughed at how much talking I did because I am usually pretty quiet around strangers but obviously it was something about this site that made me feel so comfortable. I think it was the fact that I actually had supportive friends on here that didn't judge me and read my stories and would respond to me how much they could relate to some of the things that I talked about even though I was an immature teenager that was still learning about life. But because it has been so long, does anyone even still bother to do or read journals on here? Or even log in anymore or as often back when we were teenagers? I'm 26 years old now and super bored on this Sunday night. I start my new job tomorrow but lately I have thought about doing another journal entry just to get my feelings and thoughts out about some things heavy on my mind. Like I've said before, I'm not sure if there are still some readers out there, but if you are here it goes:
One year ago on my 25th birthday, I thought to myself what the rest of my life was going to look like now that I am 25. By this time I was thinking I was going to be in decent relationship, get engaged someday, and look forward to starting a family while working a great job in my field of social work-WRONG! Now that a year has gone by, 2019 has been a super crazy unexpected year full of drama and anxiety. For the past year and nine months I was working as a foster care care manager. The money was shitty and the office environment was ******** up as well. Everyone was talking crap about each other and the families were able to do and get away with whatever they wanted, and still do. It's no wonder the foster care system in this country is a piece of s**t, but I'll save all of that for another entry and it will be juicy lol. But it was becauase of all of this that my body and mind were beginning to go through some changes that I have never felt before. I was starting to become so stressed out by the end of last year that my hair began to fall out!!! Then I started to notice I wasn't eating or sleeping the same. Everyone would say, "You should be glad you have a flexible scheudle where you can come and go into work as you please," but it wasn't about that. It was about the amount of pressure I was under due to my job. I have to aplogize to everyone that I brough these issues to becuase I sucked at the very definition of not bringing your work home with you. But I could not help it. I LOVED my kids and their families so it was hard not the think about them or talk about their case with people I could trust without giving out legal information we are not supposed to say. I know my parents and friends got tired of hearing about my problems becasue I could clearly see that they would respond less and less or the conversation would become a debate or an argument. Ultimately I was left to keep these emotions locked inside because I knew I didn;t really have an ear to listen 100%. It was becuase of all these racing thoughts that I feel lead to my axiety and depression. At this point, I knew I needed to talk to my doctor and find out what was really going one. She told me that I was expreiencing signs of anxiety and depression. I could hear what she was saying but in my mind I was denying it. "There is nothing wrong with me. I may have some anxiety but it's not that bad. No one in my family goes to therapy so I don't need it either." I would tell myself. When my doctor sugessted to start out light with some sleep medication that would help me sleep better and calm my moods I could see that over time the medication was beginning to work and I wasn't waking up going to work feeling down. This made me realize that I was having mental health issues but people in my family were always in denial about that kind of thing so I thought I could strong-minded like everyone else and get over it. Well, it wasn't that easy. I needed the medication and since then, my moods have gotten better but then June 2019 rolled around and things took a turn for the worst.
So let's start this other new part from the beginning lol. Since January of this year my mother and I began to play a surprise birthday trip for my older sister down to go to Atlanta. For those of you that don't know, I live in Pennsylvania. So from here to there, its about a ten hour drive. The months leading up to this trip I was going on job interviews because I got sick of my job (literally) working as a foster care case manager. It was also during this time I believe that my best friend were still on and off with our friendship. As time got closer and closer to our trip, I thought I had found a new job working at a rehab facility so I handed in my two weeks notice at my job and went on my vacation. Once I was getting back from my trip, I would only have two days left at my job since I had already put in my PTO time months before I put in the notice so they couldn't take that time away. But anyway, I was excited for this trip and we had so much planned for my sister that me and my mother thought she would like. We had planned for her to go nice restaurants in the city as well as a tour of the city as well. One of the biggest things I was excited about was the rooftop bar in Atlanta. It looked very classy and a nice place to chill. We were also going to a large peach farm to pick fresh peaches becuase she alwasy said that she wanted do this if she went to Atlanta. Too bad we didn't get to do that. In fact, out trip was cut short becuase my sister decided to have a manic eposide and snap out on my mother and me for not reason. Sicne the day we left my sister had a weird attitude and we asked her if she was okay. She kept saying she was fine but I could tell something stupid was going to happen. Everyone in my family except for my sister can see that she has anger issues and a mental problem. She is bipolar but she still does not see this and refuses to get help. From time to time you will never notice this about her because she plays off her fake emotions very well. This was why my mom really didn't seem to notice that something was up with her when we left. We were supposed to be in Atlanta for four days and we only made it to two. The first day she did nothing but ******** complain about everything!!! She was upset about the hotel we picked and wanted something more expensive looking. Sorry we are not rich but we did the best we could. Then she got upset about the resturants we chose to eat at and these were places that she said she wanted to eat at if we came to Atlanta. Other than all of this she still found times on and off to get upset and have an attitude over nothing. She got upset with my mother when we went to the biggest mall in Atlanta when my mom said she should put a smile on her face because it was her birthday and people that walked by were saying it to her because we had put a "birthday girl" pin on her. It was the same pin she gave to me on my 25th birthday. I kept it as memory for all the great things she did for me on my birthday so I wanted to her to feel just as special. My sister snaps out on my mother at the mall in front of everyone and my can't say anything to calm her down. I said nothing because I know that once she gets like that there is no stopping her. Then later on that night we decided to take her to the rooftop bar and this is when things went sour. When we got to the rooftop bar things were great when we first got there. But my sister did nothing but stay on her phone talking to this guy she had just met and knows nothing about. That's my dumb boy crazy sister though stare So once she is done spending the first 30 minutes on the phone and ignoring us she finally comes over to our table. She gets upset because she doesn't like the drink the bartender brought over to her. She said she wanted something sweet and that's what they brought. But becuase she was on the phone, she was not there to hear the other options that they had. She just told me and my mom, "I don't care what they have. Just make sure its fruity." And that's what we ordered. She then comes back to the table to complain about the bartender and my mom was trying to get her to understand that if she ordered her own drink and talk to the bartender to get suggestions then maybe she could have gotten that. She once again snaps out on my mom and I had finally had enough. I snapped out on her and called her out on her s**t right at the table. From the looks of it we were arguing pretty loud and everyone was looking. I was just so upset because this woman was ungrateful as well after I busted my a** at work to save money for this trip. I said some pretty horrible things to her but I was mad. What she didn't know was that hours before we left to the rooftop I was outside of our hotel talking to a friend about how my sister was acting and I had a feeling something was going to go down because her negative energy was really bringing me down. My mom later came outside of the hotel and found me and asked me what was wrong. I cried and told her that I felt like what we did for my sister wasn't good enough and I was ready to go home. My mom said that she had no idea I felt this way and she felt the same way too and that she felt sorry that my sister's negative mood swings were now affecting me. So fast forward to us getting back to the hotel, everyone stayed silent and we get back to the hotel. I then notice that my sister is beginning to pack all her stuff up and leave!. Me and my mom tried talking to her and I apologized for all the mean things I said to her even though she had said mean things to me as well. I was just still in shock that she literally was leaving me to drive out mother who doesn't drive all the way back to Pennsylvania while she took a plane. I hated her for this and I still do. I still have not spoken to her since July and I don't miss her. Me and my sister have never had an argument EVER but this was my last straw. It wasn't just this trip that caused me to snap. It was lifetime full of disrespect that she gets away with because she is the "dramatic" one that gets to snap out on everyone and no one calls her on her bs. Well I called her on all the bs I had with her and she didn't like it. This got me to realize that I don't need toxic people in my life, even if it is family. I was also more hurt that my best friend of 10+ years couldn't put his petty feelings aside to at least even check on me while I was down there. But he would rather stay mad about something I have no idea about and not say anything to me when I'm pretty sure whatever he was mad about, he could have gotten over it and checked on his friend. Once I got back from vacation I was still dealing with all the stress and anxiety of my trip and the other factors that happened about a couple weeks later I don't even feel like getting into at the moment but these past few months have been nothing but growth and and eye opener for me. I have new people in my life that want to be there and put their feelings aside to be there for me when the people I expected to be there weren't. I'm not saying I was the perfect friend and I do keep a lot bottled up but if I at least knew that my friends were going through something like this I would at least put my feelings aside and call or try to be there for you in some kind of way. But oh well rolleyes I am focusing more on my self-care and keeping positive energy in my life and really moving on with the fact that not everyone will follow through to the end with you in life and I know for damn sure I can't do nice things for people because people will turn on you in a minute and forget the things you did for them. As of right now since these the negativity has been removed from my life, it made for people for new people that want to be there and I have been doing the same for them. These people have been helping me to stay strong and keep going in life no matter what are the people that I am happy to have around and we all have a good time together when we hang out. So from here on out, I will keep looking towards positive things, growing, glowing, and wishing nothing but the best for all of those I no longer communicate with anymore heart .
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