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God be lookin' out man...I don't care what anyone says.
Today basically started with me trying to catch up on RHOP and get dressed. I'm feeling pretty decent because I used witch hazel the night before and it definitely made a difference for my little issue. Then, of course, I get a ping from Nicole saying that there were some errors in the deadline send. We ended up going through the troubleshooting process to discover that it was partially my fault. I let some errors slip through during the sample and live test phase of the second deadline email send amid the rush and chaos of multiple sends and updates.
That led to me getting on the road late, low and behold, it's raining and traffic is a nightmare. I didn't get to work until 10:15am. As a result, I decided to leave my backpack in the car and just take my laptop and notebook and just sit on the first floor for a while.
Nicole asks me to send her the samples and live tests which basically seals my fate. I find the emails in like...2 minutes but it takes me almost 45 minutes to send them. I guess a minor anxiety or paranoia took effect here. I called Rob and explained the situation to him. He was somewhat reassuring and let me know that s**t happens and it's not the end of the world. I told him about my plan to take a paycut and get some kind of entry-level-ish role and figure out my next steps while earning an income i.e. how am I gonna get this money? At this point, I'm almost terrified to work at an agency and in all honesty, I just want to focus my efforts on learning and mastering SEO and paid media.
My lab results came in, they're still not stellar but it was to be expected.
Eventually I decided to show my face upstairs and charge my laptop. As I was waiting for the elevator on the first floor, a black lady (an auntie, heyyyy auntie) noticed my melancholy mood all over my face.
She said, "Oh no what's wrong? it's going to be okay, I promise. You're going to be just fine."
"We'll see." - I snarkily rebutted
"No, I know it. You're gonna be just fine."
"I'll give you an update by end of week," I chuckled. At that point, the elevator door opened. She said it again, she just knew everything would be fine. I said, "Fingers crossed" and she said, "See, I don't even have to do all of that because I know it to be true."
The elevator stopped on the second floor and Brandon (whom I still have his apple mouse that I use for work xd ) jumped on the elevator with a shirt that said "I Am Powerful"
"See! I knew it!" she exclaimed pointing at his shirt, "I told you, everything will be fine, because this is what you are." She jumped off at the 6th floor and I still had like...4 more stops before I reached 11 and bixch. When I tell you, I could not hold in the tears....I jumped off at 7 and started taking the stairs up to 11 in hopes of finding a bathroom, but then I decided to head back downstairs, crying, snotting and hyperventilating all over the place, and take refuge outside.
To be clear, I wasn't (and am not) crying because of the mistake from this morning, or that there's a high chance that I will move to a corrective action plan by the end of the week which will lead to a termination by next week. I cried, because of the genuine kindness she showed me at a time that I needed it most. I was in such a low place, and it wasn't foreign...especially in a professional setting, that her kind words. Her sheer belief that I would be just fine...really touched me in a special way. As I was snotting down the stairs, I thought, "She's right, with or without this job...I will be just fine. I will be more than fine."
Like...sis, you don't know me from a can of paint but she took it upon herself to speak life, light and love into me amid seeing me distressed. That moves me...so much.
It's true when they say that we should show kindness to people. You never know what someone's going through. But through my disappointments, heartbreaks and cynacism...showing that level of kindness...although it seems easy...it's quite difficult. And that level of kindness is so pure and so genuine, I wouldn't even want to taint it by being ingenuine or faking it till I make it.
I cried for what seemed like 15 minutes straight. It also reminded me of the kindness that another black woman showed me back in 2014...on that SEPTA bus that snowy morning. I don't need to recant the story because it's something that I'll never forget.
But God really be lookin' out for me.
I know sometimes I feel like he hates me and doesn't want to hear from me, but it's moments like this and others that let me know that he got my back.
For now, I'll try to manage my emotions for the rest of the day. If it's anything like last time, I will want to cry...basically all day, just at the thought of it.
This also reminds me, I need to send Grandma some money.
Short Term Goals Apply for JOBS - Record and keep track of what I'm applying to. NETWORK - Reconnect with old colleagues, classmates, whoever. I need a job Pray Gym Meditate - I gotta improve my mental state Focus...and try to stay in the moment. Thinking existentially, especially about things and people I can't immediately control do nothing but add unneeded stress. Go on that hike this weekend or go see Dani
Mood: Powerful heart Music: "Conqueror" - Jussie Smollet and Estelle from Empire Season 1 Soundtrack Music(2): "You Will Win" - Kelly Rowland from Simply Deep Music(3): "Set It All Free" - Scarlett Johanssen from Sing Soundtrack Music(4): "Already" - Beyonce, Shatta Wale & Major Lazor from The Lion King: The Gift
Ryonosuke · Tue Jul 23, 2019 @ 06:17pm · 0 Comments |
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