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So since monday night, when I nearly got plowed through with a truck, I have been very out of it... Kind of numb? Kind of shattering? There has been a very large mental instability in me apparently. My brother was poking fun at me because i'm jumping at every car or truck i hear going down the road. My nerves are shot and i'm losing sleep.. ugh.. It's less then fun right now..
I'm also having more paranoia than what its worth.. I keep wondering if they are truly my friend.. I know there is no way I can mean anything to them but... I have decided that I truly do want them. I want to pursue them and I want to mean something to them. How ever am I going to obtain such a goal I do not know... I keep telling our mutual friend I will sink her ship because im abandoning it. She's a bit upset with me over this but... I'm scared. I don't want to be fond of them. I don't want to fall for them.. I'm.. So scared of being hurt that im too nervous to try. This has resulted in me withdrawing from them quite a bit and .. I have stopped calling them Precious.. I don't think they noticed, and if they have , they haven't said anything on it. It is very hard to remain natural around them since I very much do want to be affectionate. It's not like me to not be bleeding affection but.. here I am, being cold to them.. It hurts me to do this but.. They are barely interested in being my friend let alone anything else ^^; ..
My focus has been non existent recently. I can't get any art done and I'm spending a lot of my time just aimlessly wandering around town. I have no desire to do anything or talk to anyone.. I just want to wander. Unfortunately my leg eventually starts to ache from my injury and I have to return home... I may go out wandering tonight... I will try to stay home because i'm afraid that if I wander tonight I wont come home.. I'm far from a safe mindset right now....
...hah.. I am thankful that No one reads these...
Until tomorrow
-Lue
 Lucifer Knightroad · Thu Jun 08, 2017 @ 03:02am · 0 Comments |
