I look at myself in the mirror, and see a stranger. The stranger is becoming me a little more each time I look through it. I ask it. "Who Am I really?"
I have come to realize that I am a person who just doesn't know. I hear my name called and said by so many different people, yet it doesn't feel like me. It doesn't feel anything like me.
I hardly ever wear or wore make-up, I knew I'd never be as pretty or even prettier than the popular girls in school. Supposedly I was and am. I never saw it. Ever. I look at pictures of myself now and think "I'm just average looking. No one's ever going to really feel anything for me.." And yet they do. They fall so terribly hard and I don't understand whats so magical about me.
However, when I do wear make-up its to hide something within in me. Most often its because I just dont feel well inside so I try to look how I want to feel inside.
I'm stuck in the 90's music. I can't let go of people. Even if I have a hard time loving them, I just don't want to feel all alone and abandoned. Yet I do anyway even when I don't let go. I hate being all alone. Abandoned. I have so many problems, yet people look at me and they love me. I don't get it. I play along, inside I wonder "Whats so great about me?!"
If I don't truly feel like I love someone that has somehow fallen for me, I try to make myself love them the way they love me. I can't. I don't. I just don't know how.
I think of myself as independent. I don't like checking in several times a day or even several times an hour to someone else. Yet. I try to find someone to prove my independence to. I try be that wild child. I try. I fail. There is nothing wild about me.
Isarawrrawr · Thu May 09, 2013 @ 06:13pm · 0 Comments |