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Dear Journal:
Today I did the thing i fear most. I disappointed someone.
I know it doesn't sound like something to get worked up over. It's actually a very STUPID thing to cry over, and i know i should be all "Whatever" and crap, but i just fear getting people disappointed more than anything i can think of!
I felt like I disappointed people on the day of the poems too, but there was no one to disappoint that day, which i guess is why i got over it so fast. But now, I disappointed my dad. I'm sure i almost gave him a heart attack.
I would LOVE to say that that is THE LAST TIME I EVER TAKE DRIVING LESSONS WITH HIM...but i can't. That would mean even more humiliation to me from him. People don't notice, but i get humiliated real easily.
I guess that's why i hate disappointing people, because disappointment eventually spawns from my failures and it's humiliating.
I never think of myself as a proud person, but what if I am? What if i am a vain and selfish person? the kind of person i hate? Would that also make me a hypocrite? the thing i try so hard NOT to be?
During the ride back home with dad he was "showing" me the "right way" to drive and, frankly i am glad he is not a teacher, 'cause he would be the teacher everyone hates. He is loud and he is by no means UNDERSTANDING.
He says he yells at me for my own good, and i get that, i really do! I know he just wants everything to be ok, but he gets so worked up he yells like when he yells at my brother for talking back at him.
He should really get his vocal chords tuned or something and get some sort of way to differentiate his yellings, 'cause it's not only annoying, its easy for me to Drone out what he's saying. That's kinda why i did things HORRIBLY wrong today.
I get the feeling that someday i'm gonna be like on of my grandma's, she refuses to learn to drive because she "can't". Well, now she can't she has arthritis or something, but! she didn't have that excuse years ago!
Then when i got home a quick thought went through my head...It was:
'At this rate my life is going, I'm going to die before i get to 23 years old.' then an image of me being shot passed through my mind.
Oddly, it wasn't hard for me to agree that this would most likely happen, regardless of it being someone shooting me. The point is i agreed that I would probably die young because i am weak. "Survival of the fittest(and most clever)" right? well i am neither!
not 'smart', not 'clever' not 'strong'. I am the kind of people that take up space in movies. UNIMPORTANT.
I feel like all I ever do is take up space, Money from my parents and their time too. I feel like i'll never be anything in the world, regardless of my feeling of wanting to do something for the world. I feel like...like i really am just a waste of a human life and that i shouldn't be here.
What good have I ever done in ANYONE's life? My parents don't need me, they got my older sister, who has a goal in life. They got my younger brother, that dad can whip into shape to become the athlete he always wanted to be, and My bro has a goal too, i suppose.
But me? ... I have a year of highschool left and I don't even have an inkling of what I COULD be.
...
I don't know why i think i can do things on my own now. I arranged something for tomorrow without consulting my parents at all. When i told mom, she was all "I've been telling you I have things to do! We'll see if we can tomorrow." and I feel like i also disappointed her in some way. Like, maybe i should have payed more attention when she was telling me we HAD to do something tomorrow.
My life is great...But it ******** sucks...
 Raia Arimary · Tue Apr 19, 2011 @ 12:10am · 1 Comments |
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