I wonder, is it wrong for me to want to change? Is it wrong to want to be better?
To be anyone but myself? I don't like myself, at all. I wish I could be as amazing as all my friends and family are. I wish I could be who they want me to be. I wish I could be someone everyone can adore.
Someone that people would want to get comfort from, someone people would feel comfortable being their selves with, someone who can help open people up, someone who can help them. Someone who can change people, help them with their problems...make everything better. Though in reality, I can only dream of such things. I'm incredibly imperfect and nothing is going to change that. I wish I could be someone that even I, can admire. I want to go back to my old self.
Back to when I wasn't so selfish...When I wasn't so moody, greedy and so....needy. I want to go back to my old self, the one who put everyone before them-self, and never complained...never shouted, never got mad at anyone... Never showed sadness in front of anyone, never let anyone know just how bad they were feeling. The one that made people truly smile. I want that me back.
I want it back so bad...but like innocence...it won't ever come back. I know that.
Maybe...Maybe I can go back to that if only in my dreams, but not for a long time. Venturing in the life of a teenager has ripped that side from me...and until I am an adult, I can never wish or hope to get it back. I can never. So I have to keep going on, I have to ignore the need and desire to change...because I know it would be futile. I cannot change who I am. I am forced to be this moody person.
This person who embodies a teenager. A person many has called selfish. I used to be selfless...and no one believes it. I want it back so bad. I want to change. I can't take this new me. I can't take what people think of me.
I can't stand to be called selfish. I don't care about what I need. It doesn't matter...I only care about making others happy. Why can't I express that? Why can't I prove it? Why can't I do anything right? I'm always making mistakes, always hurting people, always being selfish, always worrying people, always dumping my problems on others...and I hate it.
I hate this me. I hate it with every fiber of my being...but every time I struggle to change, desperately trying to go back to the old me, it never works. It's like trying to swim when you don't know how. It's useless. Futile. Stupid. I'm stupid, so stupid and useless.
I cannot do anything. I am like an infant who can only cry and complain and hurt and destroy. I cannot heal, cannot help, cannot listen. I can't do anything right at all. Even now I am being selfish. Venting my problems out to the world. Why do I do this?
Why can't I go back to the old me? I just want to be me....this isn't me...I refuse to believe this selfish brat is me. I refuse to believe this ugly horrid creature is me...I can't. I can't accept it. I won't. I will never accept.
I want to change. I NEED to change. Why can't I change? Why? Why does nothing go right? Why is it that any brief feeling of happiness is torn from me and I can only weep and cry out to others about it and all they will do is laugh and call me selfish. Am I truly selfish?
I don't want to believe it...don't want to admit it....but I am, aren't I? I don't want to be. I don't want this. I don't want to be this person anymore. I can't take it. I need to change! But what's the point if everything already thinks your selfish.... When no one believes you can be anything else but selfish...What would be the point in changing?
No one would believe it...no one would accept it. They'd think it was an act. So my existence is pointless. I shouldn't live. If I cannot be my old self...if I cannot rid myself of the title of 'selfish' from me...then there is no point for me to live. I would have no purpose. I would be a waste of air.
I am a waste of air. I need to change this...I have to change this....I....I feel so helpless and needy again. Is that why my room is filled with smiling plush toys? Is that why I clutch to this bear tightly to my chest and never want to let it go? Is that why? Who am I? Why am I here?
What's my purpose...? Can...Can I ever change? Can...I ever be the same? I...I feel so lost and uncertain. I have nothing else to hold onto but this bear. This precious bear. He smiles at me even though he knows I am selfish.
He doesn't say anything. Doesn't reprimand me, doesn't hurt me...doesn't reject or judge me. I need him. I-I need him to keep going on. I'm so....so damn needy aren't I?.....I wonder...if I can ever change that..... I wonder if I'll ever get my old self back....All I can do is cry and thrash around like a baby....hoping...dreaming...wishing...
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~In the fields of broken dreams I wander~
Dream avi (need everything except glasses)
Love lavender/purple items, cute lolita-like/childish items, marionette items and fox items
*He/They pronouns
*Not a girl
*Owned and domesticated
Dream avi (need everything except glasses)
Love lavender/purple items, cute lolita-like/childish items, marionette items and fox items
*He/They pronouns
*Not a girl
*Owned and domesticated