/sigh I've been feeling out of it since early this morning. While I was up all night, after watching ToraDora! and stuff, I just started thinking to myself about my situation. I'm a lonely person. I don't show how lonely I am to people, though. I don't have a boyfriend or anything, so I'm pretty lonely at home, if my parents get tired of me and make me leave them alone. I have friends, but I guess we're just not close enough to hang out every waking moment. I'll text them. I feel weird around them, though. Like I'm afraid of what they'll think, so I try to watch what I say so as to not seem weird. It makes me feel as though I'm not being true to myself, holding back like that. I want to become more reserved around people, not as loud and obnoxious, but I still want to be silly and dorky. Just more gentle, if that makes any sense. I want people to not be weirded out by me. I want to be different, but still me. I don't make sense, and I'm contradicting my morals so bad right now it's not even funny. But, I can't keep pretending he's there, because he's not. I can't live in a fantasy world, no matter how much I want him to notice me. It's forbidden, really. I shouldn't be thinking like that. So I'm giving up on him. And I'm fine with it. It'd be better for me to not think like it. Of course, I'm still going to be a huge dork around him. I'll always have a retarded soft spot for him. But I have to get over myself and not let him run through my mind in that way, let alone in my mind much anymore unless to make a joke. I just want to go lay down or something and think some more, but I don't want to become my mother. She handles, or actually doesn't, things by crawling into bed and escaping to her dream world. I hate it. I love my mom, I do. But in no way will I ever want to become anything like her. I refuse to become her. I won't ignore things and sleep, I'll hit them head on and get over myself, something my mom can't do. I take pride in that. I'm just rambling about the things I thought about this morning. I guess I get deep when I'm sleep deprived. But I've got a new understanding of myself. I guess.
I'm going to try my best. > u<;; ♥
Roro-tan · Sat Jul 17, 2010 @ 12:07am · 1 Comments |