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The Venusian CEO's Unwilling Love-Slave
I wrote a thing! Lookit lookit lookit! Edited 2/16
**x-posted from facebook, so a couple of you may have seen it there.**

Hey, if you're taking the time to read this (and I assure you, it will take a while), could you spare another moment and give me critiques, please? Don't feel like you have to give me asspats on this just because we're friends. I'm a big girl; I can take it because I want to do better.

SO.

The first bits of my new story, tentatively titled “A Year Without Light,” are provided here for your reading enjoyment. biggrin

Rated PG for swears in English and Esperanto. Contains angst angst angst angst.

1.
The door to the abandoned shack swung open with the clash and clatter of swords from within tearing up the midnight calm as a skirt-wearing dinosaur and a dapper cyborg fell out of the doorway. The scorched, dry scent of dead grass filled the nostrils of the dinosaur as she fell hard on her companion; there was a loud crack and the cyborg gave a cry. The dinosaur then scrambled to her feet and slammed the door shut. The night was quiet again, except for the frantic muttering and swearing of many voices, all saying the same thing.

“Oh-no-oh-no-oh-my-god, it can't be broken!” The polyphonic cyborg pushed his top hat up out of his eyes and fiddled with the wristband he was wearing, which had a large dial on it that had been shattered, with wires sticking out every which way, sparking like mad.

“Oh god no!” she yelled. She whipped off her backpack off and dug inside it, pulling out some tools. “Do you think you can fix it?”

The cyborg looked up at her, his disjointed face a picture of panic. “It's... I don't think... oh god, Sadie.”

She clutched her head in her hands and roared in anguish. “We can't be stuck here! We don't even know where we are!”

“Well, here we are, and we can't do anything about it.” His many voices were cold.

“Hey, don't you dare take that tone with me, Amadeus!”

“Fine.” He scrunched his face up into a horrible parody of a grin and used high-pitched mocking voices. “I'm stuck on a desert planet in the middle of nowhere with an angry T'Reginaa! Isn't that just super-peachy keen?”

“Putinfilaco,” she snapped.

“Mizero kompleta.”

The two stared angrily at each other for a minute or two, then they both sighed and turned toward the distant glowing lights to the north. Sadie broke the silence,

“You reckon it's a city?”

“What, you can't tell that it probably is?”

“I just wanted to have something to say, excuse me. Since we're walking all the way over there, we better figure out a way to be civil before we tear--” and she suddenly fell silent.

“Tear each other apart?” he said with a smirk. She turned away and started walking toward the lights. He caught up to her, and the two walked quietly through the scrub for what seemed like hours. After a long, painful pause in the argument, Sadie asked,

“So, the usual, then?”

“Yeah, if you want.”

“Since when is it about what I want?”

He scoffed and fell silent.

“Man, I hope for all this trouble we find good artifacts... and a parts store.”

“Enh, everything looks the same now. I just want to fix this thing and get the hell out of here.”

Sadie looked sad. “I miss the Amadeus who would never say that.”

“Look, he's gone, so just deal with it,” said Amadeus dully.

“How can I deal with it? He left so suddenly and this automaton replaced him. I miss my friend.”

“Man, then he's glad you're not an enemy, or things would've turned out even worse,” he said with hardness in his voices.

“What could I have done? I couldn't help it.” There were tears in Sadie's bright yellow eyes. “I've said I'm sorry more times than I can count, and it's never going to be enough for you.”

“You can't replace what you took from me. The only reason things changed is because of you.”

“It's also because of me that you're still alive!” Her teeth and eyes flashed in the moonlight. She could see herself in the reflections on the glass and metallic half of Amadeus's face, and she watched the screen that was his right eye fill with static. “Yeah, chew on that for a while,” she said bitterly, knowing he was thinking hard.

They walked on, and saw the sun come up over the city. The rosy light gleamed off the glass and bronzed structures. A light cool breeze blew up, and Sadie shivered slightly; Amadeus pulled his suitcoat off and wrapped it around Sadie's shoulders.

Chili Cheese Danish
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  • User Comments: [1]
    Mumblekins
    Community Member





    Tue Feb 16, 2010 @ 02:15pm


    Noice. Here're my thoughts. *asspat*

    1.
    The door to the abandoned shack swung open with the clash and clatter of swords from within tearing up the quiet of the midnight calm [I think this should either be “the quiet of midnight” or “the midnight calm.” As is it’s kind of bulky and redundant] as a skirt-wearing dinosaur and a dapper cyborg fell out of the doorway and onto the scrub of the desert of a new planet [Here I think you’re trying to give us too much at once. Especially if this is supposed to be a book-length piece, as opposed to a short story. You have plenty of time to tell us we’re a) on a new planet, b) in a desert, c) in scrubland. There’s no need to mush it all together at the very beginning]. There was a crack as the two fell onto each other [Consider reversing the order of events here. Maybe tell us they fell into each other and something cracked; it’ll solve the unwieldy passive construction and allow us a clearer image so we’re not picturing a crack before we know where it’s coming from.], and the cyborg gave a cry of disbelief[We get the disbelief in the next paragraph, I think a cry would suffice here] as the dinosaur scrambled to her feet and slammed the door shut. The night was quiet again, except for the frantic muttering and swearing of many voices, all saying the same thing.

    “Oh-no-oh-no-oh-my-god, it can't be broken!” The polyphonic cyborg pushed his top hat up out of his eyes and fiddled with the wristband he was wearing, which had a large dial on it that had been shattered, with wires sticking out every which way, sparking like mad. I like this.

    “No, it can't be!” The dinosaur sounded distraught [My favorite crwr teacher always cautioned us against dialogue tags, and I agree. Trust your reader to understand that she’s distraught without explicit description]. She whipped the backpack she was wearing[The construction’s a little awkward here, maybe “she whipped off her backpack”?] off and dug inside it, pulling out some tools. “Do you think you can fix it?”

    He looked up at her, his disjointed face a picture of panic. “It's... I don't think... oh god, Sadie.” She clutched her head in her hands and roared in anguish. [2 things, here. 1. You should specify, “The cyborg” at the beginning of the paragraph, because we don’t know these characters and we’re not entirely sure who’s who, and you haven’t actually talked about him for a full paragraph. 2. The description of her action should be a new paragraph, I think, ‘cause it’s confusing otherwise.]

    “We can't be stuck here! We don't even know where we are!”

    “Well, here we are, and we can't do anything about it.” His many voices were cold. [I like the idea of his many voices. It’s a very cool “image”]

    “Hey, don't you dare take that tone with me, Amadeus!”

    “Fine.” He scrunched his face up into a horrible parody of a grin and used high-pitched mocking voices. “I'm stuck on a desert planet in the middle of nowhere with an angry T'Reginaa! Isn't that just super-peachy keen?”

    “Putinfilaco,” she snapped.

    “Mizero kompleta.”

    The two stared angrily at each other for a minute or two, then they both sighed and turned toward the distant glowing lights to the north [I think North should be capitalized…pretty sure]. Sadie broke the silence,

    “You reckon it's a city?”

    “What, you can't tell that it probably is?”

    “I just wanted to have something to say, excuse me. Since we're walking all the way over there, we better figure out a way to be civil before we tear--” and she suddenly fell silent.

    “Tear each other apart?” he said with a smirk. She turned away and started walking toward the lights. He caught up to her, and the two walked quietly through the scrub for what seemed like hours. After a long, painful pause in the argument, Sadie tried to break the ice again. [This is a little redundant. You pretty much give us the same thing twice in a row. Their silence and the long painful pause should be accomplished in one sentence.]

    “So, the usual, then?”

    “Yeah, if you want.”

    “Since when is it about what I want?”

    He scoffed and then fell silent. [I think “then” is superfluous here]

    “Man, I hope for all this trouble we find good artifacts... and a parts store.”

    “Enh, everything looks the same now. I just want to fix this thing and get the hell out of here.”

    Sadie looked saddened at these words. “I miss the Amadeus who would never say that.” [Again, trust your reader. Just tell us she looks sad, we’ll get that it’s because of what he just said.]

    “Look, he's gone, so just deal with it,” said Amadeus dully.

    “How can I deal with it? He left so suddenly and this automaton replaced him. I miss my friend.”

    “Man, then he's glad you're not an enemy, or things would've turned out even worse,” he said with hardness in his voices.

    “What could I have done? I couldn't help it.” There were tears in Sadie's bright yellow eyes. “I've said I'm sorry more times than I can count, and it's never going to be enough for you.”

    “You can't replace what you took from me. The only reason things changed is because of you.”

    “It's also because of me that you're still alive!” Her teeth and eyes flashed in the moonlight. She could see herself in the reflections on the metallic half of Amadeus's face, and she watched the screen that was his right eye fill with static. “Yeah, chew on that for a while,” she said bitterly, knowing he was thinking hard.Nice paragraph.

    They walked on, and saw the sun come up over the city. The rosy light gleamed off the glass and bronzed structures. Battered and bruised, with aching legs and tired hearts, they carried on. [I think I’ve heard “with aching legs and tired hearts” before.]

    ---Snapple-dear,
    You’re doing some really interesting things here. I like your character-concepts a lot, hehe, though I’ll admit at first I was all, “WTF? A dinosaur in a skirt? That’s some PeeWee’s Playhouse s**t.” But I got over myself.
    I like the way you’re introducing their backstory slowly. *nod*
    Ummmm, yeah, I hope I’ve been helpful. I think you’ve got a good start. I want to read more of it. ^-^


    User Comments: [1]
     
     
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