|
|
|
i hypnotized matt very very successfully tonight and i am glad n____n he came out of it GREAT it was great i'm so proud of him. i used a cave induction (just a note to myself. i don't expect any of you to understand it unless i use it on you someday).
my friends at school both make me feel tense and more relaxed than anything at the same time. it's weird. i guess the more i want to take on the role of a leader, the less weaknesses i want to show. lately though i guess in general i want to deal with my emotions on my own, and i've never really trusted people irl listening-wise. all of my friends make me feel tense and some of my friends i let my guard down around. it sounds stupid to say that i have my guard up. seriously. it's not like anyone's gonna jump out of nowhere screaming "KEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAAH" and STAB ME TO DEATH.
hmm. i wonder what my version of having my guard up is. i guess it's that weird tense-ish state where i'm quiet and a TOTAL loner and don't want to be around anybody: a climax of anti-sociality.
but. you know how i'm all hyper and stuff sometimes? a lot of the time it is a lie. i'm freakin' lazy, and being hyper consumes waaay to much energy. over the internet it's a lot easier TO ACT HYPER, 'CAUSE YEAH USUALLY PEOPLE THINK 'CAUSE I'M TYPING IN CAPS I'M EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING.
the jokes come automatically. my sense of humor is different from yours, and you may or may not find my "jokes" funny.
know that i won't use the term "friend" in a real, serious way while referring to someone not on the internet for a long, long time. mostly when i say it i mean the people i hang out with not on a regular basis, just people i hang out with if i hang out with anyone at all - and really this is a fairly large group.
i feel disconnected. my mom suggested that perhaps i isolate myself from those that do care, but wut? i feel a lot more like the situation is that i consciously choose not to be with some/most people because they just. i don't know. maybe it's a trust thing. maybe it's a picky thing. i have the feeling in my head, but it's hard to write down. . . .
this sounds so stupid. they don't get me? they don't understand me? they can't relate to me? because yeah i'm SO unique. rly. i'm just your average joe blow kid that has issues fitting in, which probably over 75% of kids feel anyway.
i hope i'm not insecure. well, okay, i'm fine with being insecure. i hope i keep my self control and self awareness. i hope i never become as insecure as most of the kids in school.
there's nothing to hide. i'm probably not hiding anything, and imagining it. i feel like my silliness is a mask, or maybe. . . it's not who i want to be anymore. i don't know what kind of person i want to be or what traits i want to take on.
haha. summary of teenager life.
if any of you think you're able to be my real, true friend, go ahead and try. it'll take effort. hopefully it won't take me long to catch on to what you're doing, and if it does, just slap me upside the head yelling "ANNA. I'M TRYING TO BEFRIEND YOU AND IT'D BE WAY EASIER IF YOU TRIED BACK." it should work. if it doesn't/i don't show any signs after that of wanting to be your friend, i suggest you just forget about it and move on; i'm probably not worth it.
if you really want to know me, talk to me. i know i was talking about the whole possible masks thing but you're bound to see at least flashes of what i'm like in in INNNNside. but really? i'm figuring myself out still, so give me a break, and i'll do my best to give you one too.
knowing someone's deepest darkest secrets is not knowing them. reading my journal entries doesn't mean you know me, only a small, small portion of my thoughts. you learn best my actually interacting with me and seeing how i react to different things. so there.
 Anna Godly · Fri Sep 11, 2009 @ 06:41am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
