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not a lot of people read this, and i like that. if they do read it, usually whatever i've written (unless it's a story. how can a story pass?) has passed, or those feelings have at least changed in some way.
i'm in this weird state where i'm drifting. i started out the year with confidence, thinking, "okay, high school! this is going to be EPIC. i am going to make so many friends and it will just be insane." and, i'll admit that i was even expecting to get a date some time.
i don't know. i guess things kind of fell apart. you may argue that it is too early to say that, but still. i think. . . the first month? of school just ended. i think everything i got running has come to its end already.
i find that i get along a lot better with students that aren't freshmen, *usually*. either that or people i already know, that are ~friends~ but not really FRIENDS? you know, someone you can go to if you're in trouble, plus all the other stuff. maybe i'm being too picky or something. it wouldn't be the first time. it's just. i've gone to "friends" for help before, and then they say in this nasty tone, "how am i supposed to know?" and that's the end of it. it's like saying "don't come to me for help, stupid" which imo is kind of identical to saying "i'm not your real friend and here is some badger-ness to give you a hint".
my standards are freakishly high, i guess. people say this is a good thing - i'll avoid the wrong people this way - but it makes me feel like a snob or something, and when people treat me like i'm acting like one it kind of verifies it. i really don't mean to come off as arrogant or conceited or snobbish, but i guess with being naturally introverted/antisocial there's a difficulty of dealing with other people when you want to.
i want to be the leader of a/the group unless i think that another person is competent of it. i'm kind of sexist towards a lot of boys, and really girls too D: but right now boys can be sooooo obnoxioussssss and girls can be sooooo emotionalllllll & i KNOW i'm a girl and i'm being emotional, but some are just so TOUCHY. TALK ABOUT OVERREACTING @_@ i may overreact to an extent (no idea ?_?) but srsly i am not a very cry-ish person, and i can control my anger p. well. and some girls are just so. girly. esp now in high school. a lot more are rly starting to show feminine traits and i still wanna kindasorta act/dress like a boy (but GAH NOT AS OBNOXIOUS ;___; ).
and they're all so full of insecurity. yes, i know i'm writing this journal entry and all, complaining about stuff and how it bothers me, but idk. i don't walk around looking around anxiously all huddled up in practically a walking fetal position, and i certainly don't have to be with a group in order to feel secure or safe.
sometimes i pride myself in being a loner. other times, i think i'm kind of pathetic for being one, having that "anna you're a loner because you can't make friends" attitude, but it doesn't last for long because i get involved in a mental debate with myself that usually just ends with me joking around and teasing myself and then BAM class starts.
haha hormones are weird
 Anna Godly · Thu Sep 10, 2009 @ 06:34am · 0 Comments |
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