Hmn. How should I word this in a way that would make sense...
In my mind, and I assume the minds of everybody else out there, there's a separate little room I go to when deciding how to -be- in the real world. How to act. What to say. What to let those people see.
Like in that room there's all kinds of different masks you've got sprawled around you, and depending on what's going on around you, you pick whichever mask up. Put it on and for that moment that's what you are.
The point being, at least in my case... that nobody actually see your true face. Not even you. I think most people, though, would take off their masks when they're alone. I think I use to up until 5 years ago. When my dad died. Ever since then, I think I've -always- been keeping some mask on.
And very slowly, the masks I began to get more and more dependent on must have grown tighter and tighter, leaving less and less space for my real face to breathe.
And very slowly, the masks I began to get more and more dependent on must have grown hungrier and hungrier, draining more and more of my energy to make themselves more real...
Well, a few minutes ago, I was sitting there in that little room looking over all those masks again. Happy ones, angry ones, sad ones, sleepy ones all yelling to be put on. And I started to think. Yeah, that does happen sometimes...
One thought slipped out from my actual self. "Why can't I be me?"
One of those masks barked. It said something like
"You'll mess up, you'll hurt yourself or you'll let someone else hurt you!"That's true.
"Safer to let one of us mess up for you, get hurt for you, save yourself the pain."Sounds good... Or, used to sound good. But it's been so long since i've let me, -me-, feel pain or... anything else completely. Such a coward, I've been hiding behind pretty masks for five years.
And I kept thinking about that. And I started to not feel as scared. And I started to size myself up. That face of mine that I've been keeping back from people all this time... and it started looking alot stronger than I thought.
Then I started to breathe. And I could -breathe-. All that time before I went without breathing... I couldn't breathe? I hadn't even noticed. All those masks, they started yelling all at once. I got dizzy... But... I don't want to put any of them on right now.
I know. I hear you. I probably will mess up. Soon and hard. But I'm not stupid.
There's one big flaw with you masks that I hadn't noticed until now.
Half of you are smart and strong and stable. You hardly ever mess up, you do everything right. But when you -do- mess up, it's shattering. Because you can't flex at all. The other half are so shallow, light and flexible. You mess up all the time so even the biggest bump doesn't do much harm. But you spend so much time flexing around everything else, you get worn out too fast...
I've been wondering for ages if there was one single mask in there that had both qualities. But I think... maybe there isn't. Maybe it's -me-?
I know. I can hear you. I probably will mess up. Soon, and hard... But, if I keep you guys close I'm pretty sure at least one of you will know exactly what to do to make it better. Right? Let's try that.
I can't say I've gotten my footing just yet, here. I feel like I should -do- something now, but I have no idea what. Probably nothing. And I can't say I'm not still struggling to -not- go back behind one of those masks, even now. I
can say that, for the moment, I hope I don't make myself forget wanting to be this...
One last thought.
I'm hoping Nick'll read this and contact me. Don't expect it to happen. But, it'd be nice say... things.
edaaz · Tue Jul 14, 2009 @ 08:15pm · 0 Comments
