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I still have a lot of stuff I want to say, and I may not get it all out in this one, but I figured I need to document something. This journal is really for myself, to see where I've come from and where I'm going.
So a lot of stuff has happened. A lot.
Well, to start...Jesus, I don't know where.
I got in a car accident a couple weeks ago. My little Mazda car was totaled, and thus began the search for a new car. Apparently the accident was my fault, but after yielding and getting three quarters of a way into a turn I got slammed in my passengers side. I'll probably upload pics from my phone, I took a few before it got towed off. At first we thought it was going to be fixed, but then we got the news about it being totaled. So after a couple weeks of driving my mom's car I have a Nissan Altima apparently, but I haven't seen it yet.
Things are slowly getting worse with my mother. And I feel like I have s**t going on in my brain that shouldn't be happening, so it's kind ofworrying me.
Well, things really started up in early May when my grandfather went into the hospital again with pneumonia, which probably resulted from this chemo earlier in April. He's been in remission for cancer for 10 years plus, but apparently it had come back. My family kind of cracked down while I mainly stood out on the sidelines. I only went to go see him a couple times, unlike last summer when I had to go see him almost every day after I got back from Maine.
The thing is it seems like my family is getting closer minus myself being in it. My brothers are bonding and my mom is getting along with them and I just feel really left out most of the time. Even though it does hurt and bug me sometimes, I kind of relish that I get left alone. But it makes me wonder about my mother and just how much effort she ever really put into her parenting of me. I just don't feel like there's really anything there. Even with the accident, there wasn't really any concern about me, just how we were going to deal with the situation. I mean, hell.
I got more attention from Dave and Alex about being okay than from her. And I just work with them. And when I say 'attention' I mean the standard, "Are you okay's" and "What happened's".
I just don't really feel like I'm getting any support from the one supposed parent that I have. Even the other day when I mentioned moving out, all I got was negative, "You're wasting your time and your money."
Basically I was told I was too stupid to be able to do anything like that on my own. It really hurt that I'm really the most stable out of three children, and I don't get any hope, or credit, or just advice. This has built a huge amount of suspicion and mistrust and that's really what's undoing a lot of my thinking about her.
Everything she says I really just can't lead myself to believe that she might be thinking about my best interests and or doing something that could at least help me out in the future. I think she really just wants to survive for herself and doesn't want to have to worry about someone else. Which I do understand, but it's not like I'm asking for her to help me, which just makes me feel super guilty and it weighs on my conscious and makes me second guess myself.
I'm really trying to become more of an adult, I'll be 19 in a couple months. It's really hard to do that when she just undermines and minimizes everything I say.
It just really hurts that I can't trust her or ask her for help because I know it will make me feel worse.
Well, I think I'll leave the mother situation alone right now. I just get really mixed feelings because I don't know what to think anymore.
I am looking at moving out with my friend Heather I've known since forever. We've lived together for a couple weeks at a time the past few years and it generally went really well. We have fairly similar preferences and personalities too, so hopefully it'll work out and we'll still be able to live in Chesapeake when it's all said and done.
So, of course, the work update.
Things went really really well last month to say the least. I feel like I grew the most and got the most accomplished in those few weeks. Of course there's things I still need to learn from, but I feel like I really got the most of my footing in.
We've had a couple things go wrong with people quitting all at once, and now we have this guy Vince that I'm really getting concerned about. I'm going to be talking to Dave about it tomorrow morning because it's really been bugging me and something needs to be done about it.
I've also been changed from part time to full time. Dave basically convinced me that I could do the hours and he would work around school with me to see what I could do. I really appreciate as well that he thought I deserved the raise in hourly, since we don't get periodical raises because of the work on commission.
Really him and Julie have been my mentors lately, and I've really been looking to them for things I should do, and how I should handle things. He's really helped me out in how to approach things or see things and I really appreciate it. We give each other a pretty hard time, but I appreciate it none the less. I really wouldn't have any other person for my manager right now.
Even when I told him about my accident and being unsure in whether or not I could get to work on time, he offered to come by and give me a ride because I live so close.
School went okay, and I came out with fairly decent grades. I'm taking Mr. French again, only for Statistics, and I'm actually really starting to get it now, even though we've only had a few days of class. I think I can barely handle dragging myself out of bed.
Which brings me to my new sleeping habits. I've become an anytime sleeper. Sunday night I came home from work, and I had gotten a Lot of s**t done. So, I was fairly beat. I went to go lay day about 7 (a little after I had gotten home) and I passed out until 9. Now, I had to be up at 7 in the morning after hardcore sleeping for 2 hours, so I had to go back to bed a couple hours after I had woken up xP. I sleep all the time now, whether it's in the afternoon or night.
It's gotten kind of unsettling. I don't know how to really deal with it right now xP.
And I found a new drink today I think I really like. I was getting my Propel for work today and I saw this stuff called 'Fizz-Ed'. It's basically fruit juice with seltzer water. I even read the label, and that's basically all the stuff is minus a little sugar and salt.
I like to think of it as an apple-flavored Red Bull xD. It doesn't have quite the kick, but it doesn't have as bad of an aftertaste, which I will take anyday.
And my internet shopping is terrible now. Ebay is an awesome thing for Slytherins and Skeleanimals xD. I have a whole bunch of new s**t from there now. But I still am trying to save some money so I can get out of the house.
That's basically what's been going on. It's not all of it, but it's at least most of it. If I think of anything more I might still update sometime later this month, I dunno.
Peace.
Tsuki.
 Seishuku Tsuki · Tue Jun 03, 2008 @ 01:58am · 1 Comments |
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