A Poem I'd Like To Share

[Pirate4Life45]

I worked on this today and would like some feedback. I don't personally think it's all that good, but again, comments are welcome. Be brutle!

Little Moments

With each step you take,
Inhale and enjoy the view.
With every breath that comes,
Smile as if the day is new.

Hold your head high toward the clouds,
Let the angels above see your smile.
Stand silently beneath a blanket of stars,
Just waiting and watching for awhile.

We must learn in our hearts that,
Life's not how many breaths you take in a day.
Instead, people should teach,
It's about the little moments that take your breath away.  

[Pup in Fluff]

Pirate4Life45

Little Moments

With each step you take,
Inhale and enjoy the view.
With every breath that comes,
Smile as if the day is new. <--- I love the first stanza. It's bright and it flows very nicely. One thing I must say though, and I find this happens with a lot of peoples poetry, is that it just jumps to the point. Maybe you can add something before this. Talk about a bad day or something, then the poem can be about why you're not going to worry about it.

Hold your head high toward the clouds, <--- this phrase seems a bit awkward to me. After the pattern that you set in the first stanza, this line sets a new pattern and throws off the flow slightly.
Let the angels above see your smile.
Stand silently beneath a blanket of stars, <--- This line again throws off the flow somewhere between "silently" and "beneath"
Just waiting and watching for awhile.

We must learn in our hearts that, <---Again, the new stanza throws off the flow and starts a new pattern.
Life's not how many breaths you take in a day.
Instead, people should teach,
It's about the little moments that take your breath away. <--- This last stanza seems to stutter a bit...but just a bit when it's alone. When you put it with the whole poem, it seems to stutter more.

I love the poem and the ideas behind it. Something you need to work on is when setting a pattern of syllables, you set it in the first stanza and you keep it. When you break poems into stanzas like this, you need to make sure all the stanzas flow equally, not only alone, but with eachother as well. Overall, I do think it's a great poem and a great message and I am definately looking forward to hearing more from you. 3nodding

Also something that might help is reading it out loud if you can't find the flow. You can tell it flows nicely if the first time you read it aloud, there is no hesitation. You should be able to read through a poem as if it were a sentence. If you have to stop and regain your focus in the middle of it, you know that's a stutter in the poem...almost like an inappropriate, comma, in a sentence or a wrong words in the middle.  

[Pirate4Life45]

Thanks. I'll definately work on editing it. 3nodding  

[Shialynn]

wow eek That was really beautiful ^-^ I love the mood and imagry. Good job wink  

[WildWildWindWhisperer]

Pup in Fluff hit it all exactly as it needs to be.
Loved its imagery but needs a bit of flow.
Thank you, for the kindness.

.......WildWildWindWhisperer wink
(Vice-captian.... Writing On The Wall)  

[amusedwriter]

It's simple and very neat... I like it's uplifting words, because it's not the same as the usual depressing beat of the things I've been reading lately.  

[Insert_Generic]

The message and wording is generally alright, but in a few places the words seem almost clumped together, rather than placed anywhere wholly meeningful or for poetic effect. Also, you might want to revise your use of punctuation, not every line needs to end with a full stop or comma: try something a little different!

Anything else I could add has been said by Pup in Fluff already. It doesn't need too much work on it, but it could be better.

Overall, a very nice attempt, but you need to work on the composition a little.

Looking forward to seeing some more stuff from you ^_^