Something New

[Pirate4Life45]

Okay, this is something I wrote when I was bored one day. It's pretty bad, but comments would be nice.

Don't tell me I don't know what you're thinking when you look at me. I do know, so don't insult me and lie about it. Would you like to know what you're thinking? What everyone thinks? They think I"m insane, that's what everyone thinks. Even you. Right now. That's what you're thinking. They all think I'm insane because someone once told me my father was Zeus the Almighty. At first, I laughed right along wiht everyone else. Why, more importantly, how would my father be Zeus? Soon though, there came subtle signs that might make this statement true. I still didn't believe though. I only truly began to believe it when my mother told me that she was not really my mother, but a keeper, my keeper. She told me of the encounter she had with Zeus and told me that she was told to take care of me until I was old enough to be among the gods with my father.
Me? Elias Maximus Decimus, the son of a long dead peasant sheep farmer, who was destined for nothing more than to marry, provide, and rasie the children my wife bore? How was I the son of a god? How was that possible? It didn't seem to be. Not at all. But, soon enough, I was thrust into a world of eternal pleasure and misery, thrown into the life of a god. For I, Elias Maximus Decimus, am the son of Zeus, ruler of all.  

[hapahaole]

This is an awesome begining! It grabs interest and raises a load of questions. If you're going to continue this story you have the interesting challenge of having to answer at least most of them. The one question that I have, that you may or may not already have an answer to, is if he was thrown into the life of a god, how did he end up back among humans where people doubt him? I love how you started it, don't get me wrong, just make sure you end up there when it's all said and done.

The fact that he has three names is interesting given that most greek and roman gods had only one. Is there a reason for this? Just a few more suggestions, try to show a little more. I'm really big on "show, don't tell" and granted this isn't the easiest place to put it, but try to describe a little more. It feels a bit rushed. And be carefull that it doesn't sound like another Hercules/Superman type story. Flesh it out with more descriptions.

One last little suggestion, add one more thing to his expectation of himself in his mortal future. Some sort of career plan. This could add some flavor to it. He could have something he really wanted to do. Or he could've owned his "father's" land and was following in his footsteps and keeping the farm up. Whatever you want. Wife and kids just sounds like it's missing something.

Anyway, those are my comments. I hope I didn't butcher it too badly. I really do like it and I hope to see the rest!  

[WildWildWindWhisperer]

Hello!
It`s me again. ( grin)

Your beginning is wonderful! smile
The lead up to a great story, and hidden worlds is sweetly pleasing. You reach forth to the reader with open arms. You let the reader know they are almost directly involved and your tale is going to be winding, vivid and interesting. Indeed, this it is and hopefully shall continue to be. (Have read the continuation prior to reading this). Am awaiting with great enthusiam to read more.

One minor observation: Historically speaking Grecian myths may not have included the hero/herione having multiple names. It`s possibley an European concept. The Greek portion of the world and historical lines may allow movement/room for a name description of ' Elias Maximus son of ????".

I apologize, if, I have been harsh.

Please, do write more of this lovely story. I sincerely enjoyed reading it and stories about mythology. Myths are ' a thing' of mine.


Thank you, for sharing.

Sincerely...
......................WildWildWindWhisperer wink

 

[Pirate4Life45]

No, that wasn't harsh at all. In fact, I welcome criticism completely. I wasn't sure of the name thing, but I decided to take a stab at it. Again, thank you ever so kindly for the comments, I need as many as possible, and I will most definately try to keep it coming. biggrin