Quote:
The clouds blackened as rain poured down from the sky a clash of lightning revealed two opponents who stood facing off against one another; the first who was dressed in dark clothing grinned as a touch of blood ran down the side of his mouth; his aegis blade in hand he charged his opponent who quickly brought his own Aegis blade to bear deflecting the attack sending his opponent sprawling into the wet grass.
That is one big run on. For the first sentence, try:
The clouds blackened as rain poured down from the sky; a clash of lightning revealed two opponents who stood facing off against one another. The first who, was dressed in black, grinned as a touch of blood ran down the side of his mouth; his aegis blade in hand he charged his opponent who quickly brought his own identical blade up to bar the attack, sending his opponent sprawling into the wet grass.
Commas are your friend. Use them more often, and be certain you are using your punctuation correctly. It can actually make the speech sound better in other's minds. And I say you used the word "black" instead of "dark clothing" because you mention a man in white later, and it will help to contrast the two more. I used the word "identical" because you said "aegis" ten seconds earlier and I personally don't favor repition in that manner. It sounds... I dunno, kid-ish.
Quote:
"Give it up you are too weak to defend anyone." the man in white clothing proclaimed as he raised his aegis blade high above him letting the full shine glow with a gathering power as he prepared to finish off his would be opponent.
"That is where you are wrong evil one the battle has only begun."
The man in white clothing brought the aegis blade to bear and snorted at his opponent.
I don't know if you are meaning to use the word "bear" or not, but it sounds weird here. Maybe position? And the "high above him" sounds odd as well. Either put "high above his head" or "high above himself," or my personal favorite would be to just put "high." One gets the general gist as to where. And you don't need to put the word "clothing" in there. It just kinda clutters things up. And "full shine glow"... again, odd. Doesn't have that pattern to it, ya'know? Replace shine with something else. Don't quite know what, though.
And try to vary on the words. Don't keep saying "blade." Call it something else. Sword. Weapon. Death tool. Be creative and have fun with it.
"Give it up, you are too weak to defend anyone," the man in white proclaimed as he raised his sword high, letting the full shine glow with a gathering power as he prepared to finish off his would be opponent.
"That is where you are wrong, evil one; the battle has only begun."
The man in white clothing brought the aegis blade to position and snorted at his opponent.
Also, that is the fourth time you've said "aegis." I have no idea what an aegis blade is (
xp ), but you've used the word a few times too many.
Quote:
"That is what you think, Brother Alltalar but only one of us will survive this battle."
Alltalar stood back up and drew his sword once more.
"I cannot understand how someone that used to be so devoted to our people has turned on us like a treacherous snake, you dare try and war against your own people; this is the day where you will meet your end. let this battle truly begin Brother Azriel."
"Come and try."
Alltalar charged Azriel his sword grasped firmly in his hand glowing slightly even in the rain as Azreils weapon turned a hot red infused with dark magic.
The battle to end the world commenced
This time you overused "battle." In the previous part you said "the battle has just begun." Don't used the same words so often. Heck, in some cases, you don't even need the word. "Stood back up" is ... repetitive and awkard. Say, "stood up again" if you want to show a repeated motion. But since you mention later on in the sentance that the motions are repeating, it's unnessary. "Try and war" I don't think is correct grammer. I understand what you were going for, but it's comes out as incorrect grammer. I see wht you ment by putting in "even" but again, it doesn't flow. Despite will give the same meaning and also flow better.
This whole paragraph/sentance:
Quote:
Alltalar charged Azriel his sword grasped firmly in his hand glowing slightly even in the rain as Azreils weapon turned a hot red infused with dark magic.
Needs to be re-arranged. I've done it to my liking, but you'll need to do it to your liking. There are just too many thoughts for it to be one sentence.
"That is what you think, Brother Alltalar, but only one of us will survive this."
Alltalar stood up and drew his sword once more.
"I cannot understand how someone that used to be so devoted to our people has turned on us like a treacherous snake; you dare try to war against your own people. This is the day where you will meet your end. Let this fight truly begin, Brother Azriel."
"Come and try."
Alltalar charged Azriel, his sword grasped firmly in his hand, glowing slightly despite the rain; Azreil's weapon turned a hot red, infused with dark magic.
The war to end the world commenced.
It's a good beginning, though a bit cheezy in my mind. Just vary the word choice and check your grammer. Other than that, I kinda like it.
3nodding Keep it up.
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