Welcome to Gaia! ::

For those of you who have been actively involved in the poly lifestyle, I'm wondering what/how you get over a loss/betrayal in your relationship without having your feelings of rejection/hurt transfer to your other partner?

(Background, in case you need more clarification)
I have been actively poly since I was 19, which was when I met B while in a relationship with N. We started a vee/triad, which worked out decently, but after 3 years of communal living, things with N broke off. B was incredibly supportive and amazing, but I knew I dragged him down with all of my negative emotions. A year later, I find myself in the same situation.My other partner, E, was living with me for two months after two months of dating prior to this - soon, I know, but I wanted him to get away from his abusive and manipulative family who had been taking all of his money while simultaneously belittling him. One day, I came home to a letter and all of his things were gone. He claims to have left because he felt he wasn't good enough for me and felt too much pressure with me. He still wants to pursue a long-term relationship and we both love each other very much, but I am having trouble coping with this.

So now, my other partner, B, with whom I have now been living for 4 years, is really concerned and helpless because he doesn't know what to do. I wish I could be happy for him so he won't worry, but I just can't. I feel bad because he's done absolutely nothing wrong but has to deal with my unhappiness with another man.

Has anyone had any success in partitioning their emotions like this? Any tips? sad

to an extent, I agree with wind, but I also take that as too harsh a view. I would gather that he has his reasons, his emotions as well -- it isn't just a cop-out, but it also is a choice he made for himself and he has to be the one responsible for his decision; it isn't for you to blame on yourself.

additionally, just as E must have his emotions and reasons, so do you; your emotional response is normal, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I won't say it is easy to deal with, nor am I going to say it shouldn't effect your relationship with B or N.

but I will say that while emotions concerning past romances will always have their effects on any ongoing relationships, the important thing to remember is that each individual is exactly that -- an individual. nothing that happened between you and one will ever happen between you and another the same way; in all cases it is one-on-one, even when you have multiple relationships simultaneously.

it will never be easy; but nothing worthe it is EVER easy or free. you and B will just have to work on being their for eachother, and acknowledging that the way eachother feel about anyone else has nothing to do with how you feel about eachother. as sweet as "but if I were good enough you wouldn't be sad" sounds, it's simply not true, nor is it that simple. nobody should blame themselves for either feeling sad over someone else or being unable to change someone's emotional response about someone else.