Views on Abstinence?

[Doitsu Rutovihhi]

Okay, so there are probably topics about this out there...but here's another one. I want to know people's views on Abstinence and "Saving oneself for marriage". Please note that I am Catholic, though my views are not swayed by my religion in any way/shape/form, especially considering the fact that they contradict what is usually suggested. Also take note that I'm not a virgin either so...there's that too.

As for my belief! No, I do not believe in Abstinence, or "Saving oneself for marriage". And I have a reason thats...good enough for me. One of the ten commandments states "Thou shalt not commit adultery". To refrain from committing such acts, one must be comfortable within their marriage. Most commonly, Adultery is a sin that falls under the vice of lust. So, by my logic, the person one would marry should be one that satisfies this vice...in other words, someone they feel comfortable having sex with.

Some married couples don't have this. And as such, they either don't have an avid sex life, or one partner is less satisfied than the other. And to be honest, that just leads to problems, which can lead to adultery and/or divorce. Or just general unhappiness within a marriage.

So, when faced with two options

1) apologize for my sins I've made while young that have bettered me as a person, and lead to my eventual happiness

2) Live a life of uncertainty and risking the higher possibility of temptations and unhappiness with my marriage

I chose option #1

Now, this isn't to say abstinance isn't good. But it is to say that its not for everybody. Especially someone like myself, who believes physical chemistry is an important foundation to a good, healthy relationship.

Anyone else care to share thoughts?  

[Servant Reborn]

It sounds like you are trying to justify your premarital sex. Anyway, the Bible is clear on this subject.

Proverbs 3

Guidance for the Young

3 My son, do not forget my law,
But let your heart keep my commands;
2 For length of days and long life
And peace they will add to you.

3 Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart,
4 And so find favor and high esteem
In the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and depart from evil.
8 It will be health to your flesh,
And strength to your bones.

1 Corinthians 6

Glorify God in Body and Spirit

12 All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. 13 Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 And God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power.

15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.

18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.

1 Corinthians 7

Principles of Marriage


7 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me:
It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.

8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Sex is good, but it should not be done out of lust. It should be to bring glory to God.

1 Corinthians 6

All to the Glory of God

23 All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. 24 Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.

25 Eat whatever is sold in the meat market, asking no questions for conscience’ sake; 26 for “the earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness.”

27 If any of those who do not believe invites you to dinner, and you desire to go, eat whatever is set before you, asking no question for conscience’ sake. 28 But if anyone says to you, “This was offered to idols,” do not eat it for the sake of the one who told you, and for conscience’ sake; for “the earth is the Lord’s, and all its fullness.” 29 “Conscience,” I say, not your own, but that of the other. For why is my liberty judged by another man’s conscience? 30 But if I partake with thanks, why am I evil spoken of for the food over which I give thanks?

31 Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 32 Give no offense, either to the Jews or to the Greeks or to the church of God, 33 just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.  

[Hathor The Mad]

While I think people should try to wait I know that that will not always be the case. I think people should take precautions.  

[Rednal]

The Book of Rednal, Chapter Six, beginning Verse One:

And Rednal thought to himself:

"It would kind of suck to be there on my wedding night, comparing my wife's skills in bed to someone else's."

And Rednal decided that for his own happiness, he would be satisfied to wait.

Though Rednal did feel a small bit of sadness that this meant he wouldn't be able to practice, and therefore could not guarantee his future wife a most excellent wedding night...  

[Doitsu Rutovihhi]

Servant Reborn

A very interesting point. Though good to follow, I am a man who has sinned in more ways than this one. For my sins, I am indeed responsible. And when I choose a wife, she will be one that I am sure will satisfy all lustful desires within my heart.

As for having sex for the glory of god...well, while there are many places to give god glory...for me, I am not sure if the bedroom is one of them. Sex is for the flesh, and can only be enjoyed through the flesh. Whether it is to the glory of the almighty is for him to decide. Nevertheless, on the day before my wedding, I would go to my priest and confess my sin, so that I may be reconciled, and my soul would be clean for my beloved.

I would not try to justify my sin. Merely, I would explain that I am man, and man was created with flaw. And all men are with sin, though we may try to stray from it.  

[Aquatic_blue]

If God's word doesn't sway your opinion in things then that's something that you should probably change. Here are some good reasons to wait until marriage:

~Some people secretly have STD's that they hide from people and transmit them - some of them can be cured if treated early, sure. However, others such as AIDS that have no cure and will eventually kill you - sex can mean a death sentence if you don't know what you're involved with.

~Some women get pregnant and won't tell you and want to leave you out of their child's life. However, just because you don't think you have children - you could be wrong if you sleep around often enough. Some women will play dirty tricks to get you to stay with them like poke a hole in a condom they give you or something of that sort. Other women can do it out of spite. Also, having a child and not knowing it - both sides would be wrong leaving a child without a loving father - this can mess a child up psychologically. Also, single mothers have a lot on their plate - they would be taking care of the child (if they didn't abort the child or have a miscarriage) by themselves or with some help and be strained a lot of the time while you are off the hook from that responsibility and doing whatever you wanted. Now, that doesn't sound fair.

~How terrible is it to try and please someone in bed when they are thinking about someone else?

~To get sex, there are plenty of people out there that lie that they aren't married. There are people that take off their wedding ring when not around their spouse and have sex while their spouse is away. I can't tell you how many times I have heard college students say, "I had sex with a married woman before, but that's because she lied to me." Sadly, "Because she lied to me," doesn't cover up the fact that it did happen.

~Sex binds people together spiritually - because you are giving your body to someone else and there will always be a connection there. It doesn't matter if it was a one-night stand, there is still a spiritual connection. If you leave that spiritual connection behind and have sex, forming that spiritual connection with somebody else - that leads to adultery. Once you stop dating somebody - you can leave that behind, but once you have sex with somebody - they are connected to you in some way and you can't get rid of it.

~Some people can film sex without consent of somebody else and publish these on websites and use them for blackmail. Sex is a blackmail tool for a lot of people.

~Is a few minutes or hours of sex worth the repercussions of possibly ending up with a child at the end of it? Is a moment of satisfaction more important than preserving your virginity for someone who deserves it and will treat it with care and love?

~Think about it - a box of condoms usually costs about $10 - $20. If you end up with a child and stay with the woman, or she wants you to pay child support - expect a burning hole in your wallet and a lot of things you may need to give up to keep up with all of that.

~No birth control method is 100% guaranteed or effective in stopping STD's and pregnancy.

~Having sex with multiple partners can lead to decreased self-esteem from exposing yourself to someone who doesn't care, thinking about other regrets from it later in life.

~How awful is it that sex won't be a new experience on your wedding night? A lot of virgin couples once they are engaged with somebody are excited for their wedding night so they can spend time with each other and experience sex for the first time - together. It's more of an adventure that way.

There are many reasons not to have sex before marriage.  

[singin4Christ]

I believe the verses already given pretty much cover it. I'll address this from a relationship perspective.
I'm 24 and a virgin. I chose this. The man who I have been dating for a year now is 29 and not a virgin. For him I am girlfriend #8 and the only one who he has not slept with. Our experiences push us differently. While I am his first relationship since coming to Christ, he fights everyday against the lust and the pleasure that he desires. His is a fight of knowing what he's missing and longing for it. I fight everyday as well but mine is a fight to keep a promise made and to help him in his walk of celibacy until marriage.
For us there is a level of trust that was not able to be built in his previous relationships. He knows that the solution to our problems is not to smooth is over with sex. He knows that I don't expect sex and he can just open up to me without a catch. I also know that he will not require sex as a reward either. He is a Byzantine Catholic while I am an ecumenical Christian joining the Catholic church. Neither one of us believes in using birth control other than NFP. If we were to give in to desires, my career as a college student and young teacher would be down the tubes. His career as a perspective priest would be over. For eachother, we do not give in.
Do we have a physical relationship? Heck YES! we're both primarily physically based creatures. It's a primary love language for each of us, which makes our longings so much worse. We are stewards to our relationship though, using our other top way of communicating our love when the physical realm can only go so far. Nothing says "I love you" like holding one's hair back when they have the flu or simply dropping in randomly and helping with the housework or a hand written note. Even our random text messages help. We know that we do not deny the flesh out of disdain. We deny the flesh out of love and wishing for the other individual to succeed fully in all that God has for us. To give in to the lust of the flesh would be to do a disservice to the one you love by risking them emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
A couple should certainly feel sexually drawn to one another. If you are not sexually attracted when the relationship is building, you cannot expect to be so in 25 years when you know every millimeter of your partners body. The catch is though, God will bring along someone who you can fall in love with first for his/her heart. Then He will open the door to fall into longing for a full relationship with him/her. Love cannot blossom from lust. Lust for your spouse is no sin. It is a God given longing to make them happy and satisfy the needs that God placed there. Lust for one who is not your husband/wife is a sin, as is satisfying that lust.
I know this has been long and probably doesn't make sense in places (I'm sick with the above noted flu sweatdrop ) but I have one final note worthy of making.
One thing that you will always prove by sleeping with your girlfriend/boyfriend/ anyone you're not married to is that you are willing to sleep with someone who you are not married to. It may sound obvious and silly but I've seen a lot of relationships end because of that one point.  

[manticore has left]

What I don't understand is this:

jix-kun

Nevertheless, on the day before my wedding, I would go to my priest and confess my sin, so that I may be reconciled, and my soul would be clean for my beloved.

If what you believe isn't swayed by God (you believe not abstaining isn't a sin), why then do you seek confession for something you do not think is wrong?