My true feelings my true calling my true self
I’ve always wanted to show many people my potential but I am never confident when I want to try and bring it out. Yes, I do admit I am weak to even try... I still can’t even break free from my comfort zone I really want to get out there be someone, than just a standby character. On the inside I really just cry because I know for a fact I was never going to show I can do something very serious and be that stand out. I wanna break it all off me and be who I wanna be not who I think I wanna be, I have friends.. it’s just I barely get to see them during the summer nor going outside as much as I used to since childhood, I feel like a pathetic piece of flesh who shouldn’t even of been born, I still had high belief I shouldn’t of been the one to win the prize of birth.. At a rare moment I did believe I wanted to try and be that figure to stand in the “Cool” zone but after a long time through Elementary and Middle School I realized that being one of thoughs preppy cool kids or whatever you call them my real person would fade away and I would be that a**. Yes through endurance of the Elementary I went to having the kids just laugh at me and just call me names, I did nothing because that’s all I could do was nothing I wasn’t strong enough to say anything to oppose to what was going on… so through thoughs days I did shed many a tears just as the day I put that knife to my neck; Many thoughts were going through my head which were real or which were false.. All I could do was cry, and cry. I beg not for sympathy or self-pity just for others not to get the same treatment I did as a child.
Throughout my Middle school years it almost was basically the same but not all the time, I was only partially accepted but not by all, I was still that outcast as I was since Elementary years. At this point it began to grow dark in my subconscious many thoughts to figures in my head began to develop, learning off of others emotions looking at them in a perspective on if they’re a kind heart or just a pit of emptiness. I seldom even talked then as well. Only when I spoke I actually was being talked to like always sometimes I even refused to sleep because of that pain and endured emotional pain I had to go through all through the years of Middle school even then I still cried on the inside like any other may of done. I still wish I could have changed it all but what all happens just happens I can never change the past or even who I was… No matter what I still wasn’t strong enough to show how much I wanted it all to change, I couldn’t do anything to help myself as always I kept every bit of emotion bottled up with each problem to come underway I told no one all I just did was pretend it was nothing.. I didn’t say anything... I didn’t do anything I just stood there in silence like I was a mannequin or just a shadow still never to be seen by people.
Now during my High school days I finally am fully accepted for whom I am and what I may be. All I only desire now is someone by my side someone who makes this void disappears. As I believed back then I still believe today no one would fall in love with a man like me, I really have nothing special to my character. I’m just one 18yr old, no attribute to myself nor even anything that makes me great for a title all I have is my life and that’s it. Never had his first date, kiss, intimate time with a female, just been alone for eighteen years and may still be the same. All I want is to be a better person than I am now because even at this moment I’m not even much to look at, I just seem like any other ordinary man. I hope who ever reads this grasps more into their mind; please make this future bright and happy like I want it. I really rather die for it all then die for nothing and be seen as a soul who has nothing to even live for. Teach the kids of this generation something useful, show them compassion, understanding, and what is good and bad, I don’t want to hear anything more regrettable in this world as it is.
