The Captain's RP Firing Line

[Captain Ragnar Devonin]

Alright, I know I'm going to regret this wholeheartedly... but here goes!

I don't think too highly of myself as an RPer, in fact, I think I'm downright pretty terrible compared to most everybody else (people who know me at this point are probably going 'wtf u talkin' bout Reeve?'). The main reason? I get the feeling I'm doing something wrong, but since nobody ever points it out to me, there is just no way I can really improve. I'm happy with maybe 10% of the posts I make, so 1 in 10. But if I always waited until I was happy with something I'd written before I posted, I'd never be able to post!

I also am a firm believer in failure being a far better teacher than success and although I've received compliments, none of them have ever really... helped to show me things I can improve on.

... Ergo, the purpose of this thread. "Firing Line" should be descriptive enough but to iron it out a little better. I want your help in helping me improve. I'll make an RP post - be as a DM describing a scene, or a player responding to one, and I want you to read it, and tell me what I'm doing wrong or at least where I can improve.

However... I have some rules. Shush.

[ The Rules/How to Reply ]
1] Read the post I make, keeping in mind context: DM posts need a different tone than a PC post. I'll usually be posting as a PC from the view of one of the characters I'm playing or have played in the past, in the event some seem familiar to anyone.
2] Tell me one thing I'm doing right, or that you liked.*
3] Post 2 - 3 (minimum 2; maximum 3) things that I did wrong, or otherwise you think I can improve on.
4] Make your criticisms CONSTRUCTIVE - I'd like a suggestion on just how I can fix something, not just that "I'm doing it wrong."
5] If you just outright bash or flame me without actually providing any sort of constructive feedback, I'll delete your post and give you a warning. The second time, I'll just put you on ignore. (Outright flaming being anything like "Wow, that just sucks," "Learn 2 type," or... any flaming of any kind. I want constructive advice, not flaming.
6] Don't worry too much about hurting my feelings, after all, as they say... "I'm asking for it." I won't get mad at anyone here for their replies (unless you just flame me). If you feel I am getting bothered, feel free to smack me... Also, I have a +50 sense motive; if you smack me for fun and try to bluff me saying that, I will find you out!
7] Pointing out grammar mistakes is fine, such as "You should have used their instead of there."
8] The same goes for spelling mistakes (to an extent, don't let all your criticisms be just pointing out typos). I warn that my device does not have a spellchecker and as I am not a robot that can see every typo when proofreading, I may miss some from time to time. If I'm spelling something wrong constantly (like those people who do Rouge when they mean Rogue) - that's probably not a typo. I ain't the best speller. I know "ie" and "ei" often trip me up.
9] On the same token, I guess, just don't be nitpicky about it. xD. "You spelt Rogue wrong," is fine, "You spelt Rogue wrong in sentences 3, 5, 7, and 9" is just nitpicky. razz
10] I don't believe Length = Good. I believe in quality over quantity, so I'm not going to post a 2000+ word short story if I feel I can make the same quality post in 500 words.
11] I have a bad habit of switching tenses mid-writing. I am going to stick to present (to try to) since that is what I've been doing lately. ... Be gentle.
12] If you want to post something of your own to get feedback on - everyone has to follow these same rules (myself included if I respond to you). I warn you to keep in mind that if you take offense to things easily... you may not want to post.

* Note: After all I just said about the "failure better than success," you may be wondering why #1 is there. Instead of telling you, I'll just show you my ego. Imagine a little girl in a corner crying. Yeah, that's how big my ego is. I need a little positivity to balance the negativity I'm asking for. Please? xD.

As I'm probably nearing the length limit of my phone, I'll put the blindfold and give a cigar on my first post in the next reply I make.  

[Cute Things In Jars]

If you want to improve your RPing, you could join one of the various RP guilds around Gaia...I'm in a few good ones, and they've helped me improve my skill vastly...  

[Captain Ragnar Devonin]

Eh... The problem I have with RP elsewhere in Gaia is that everyone tries to jam "Semi-Lit" or "Lit" labels on everyone else from what I've seen in my years around here (I've been in an around Gaia since 03') and I've seen some people think "Good RP" equals 20 paragraphs.

Plus, is this not an RP guild? Isn't D&D about roleplaying as much as it is dice? The difference between some other guild and this one is I like the people in this one, and I've never seen labels tossed around here. smile  

[Captain Ragnar Devonin]

Eh, I decided to scrap that first one. I'm usually a DM, I'll go with something from a DM angle for my first shot... >.>

Yeah, I'll probably end up deleting this one too.

Game Introduction Idea I Used Once, Way Back When - Updated Of Course

The ship gently rocks from side to side, the calm waters that came with the day a benefit to anyone who gets sick out on the open water. A light breeze blows, carrying with it the chill of the winter air and though cloudy, not a single flake of snow has fallen yet. A surprise for most onboard, considering how far north the ship was, but hardly something comforting to the dozen or so barely clothed prisoners that stood up on deck. One at a time they were being uncuffed from each other, dragged to the edge of the ship, and thrown into the icy freezing cold waters below.

The expectation for them to swim to the shore nearly 200 feet out nothing but cruel punishment for whatever misdeed they may have done. None of these people were murderers, some slept with the wrong man's daughter, some stole just so they could eat, crimes that deserved maybe a week - at worst - in jail. The newly appointed Magistrate though had decided to sweep up from the south, taking a random handful of people from each prison along the way, until he reached the docks on the far northern end of the kingdom. There, he loaded everyone, including you, onto a boat and carted you out to sea going as far north as he could.

"Hah. That one went straight down! Throw in the next one!" The Magistrate shouts from somewhere on the upper deck.

Unfortunately for you? You're next. You're unhooked from the lineup, find yourself dragged to the edge of the ship and a key thrust into your hand right before you're thrown overboard. You knew the water was cold, but until you break the surface and go under several feet you don't realize just how cold. You swim up and break the surface, and it feels as though a coat of ice is clinging to your skin already.

"Next! See if you can land it on that one!"

You hear from above you, and turn your eyes toward the shore. You'd best start swimming...

 

[Absolute Virtue]

I have been trying to improve myself as an RPer as well, and what I've discovered is that it simply means becoming a better writer.

I've got a lot of RP experience. I mean, possibly a good 14 years now if not more. Started out in AOL chatrooms, then moved to Yahoo, and once Yahoo stopped allowing user rooms I finally came to Gaia, so I've been around here since 04-05, although my first account got banned for massive amounts of troll. smile

I don't like the lit, semi-lit, adv. lit s**t either.

I used to think of myself as an awesome RPer and I could write down the smallest details, but more recently I sort of figured out that nobody wants to read all that crap and it's honestly boring. So while I still have trouble reading fiction, I have taken the time to look up resources for people writing novels and that's helped shape my current perspective a bit.

Now I just need to practice!

Anyway, I hope this helps.

I think you do a nice job describing the scenery. I can picture it, and to an extent feel it(I've been on the water in winter before, it's not fun). The description is enough where it doesn't bog you down with details. It leaves enough room for imagination so when I sit back and think about it, maybe I can hear a gull in the distance.

One thing you might want to work on, and it's also something I'm also working on, is structure. Where do you place the stuff.

I think that you should end the first paragraph after the sentence saying the weather was a surprise for the prisoners and then start a new paragraph with the next sentence. Why? Well, I just feel that the last sentence doesn't really contribute to the description of the scene. I mean, it's definitely a part of it, but I think it would better fit starting off the second paragraph.

Quote:

The ship gently rocked from side to side, the calm waters a relief for those often suffering from seasickness. A light breeze passed, carrying with it the biting winter air. It was cloudy, but a single flake of snow hadn't yet fallen from the grey sky. A surprise for most onboard considering how far they north had traveled, but that was still hardly comforting for the prisoners standing on deck wearing only tattered rags.

One at a time the prisoners were released of their bonds, dragged to the edge of the ship, and thrown into the frigid water. They were then ordered to swim to the shore, nearly 200 feet away, as punishment for their crimes.

"Hey," a young prisoner, no older than 13 whispered to the one ahead of him line.

"You'd best keep quiet if you want to keep your head, " the older prisoner scolded him in with a hushed voice.

"What are you here for?" the young prisoner asked as if he didn't even hear the man's warning.

The older prisoner sighed and hesitated. He bowed his head, "I took herbs from the apothecary for my dying wife..."

"Really?" A nearby guard turned to the young prisoner as his voice cracked. The young prisoner waited for the guard to look away before continuing in a whisper, "How can they get you for that? They found me trying to look up the Duchesses'--"

"Next!"

You had been trying to follow the conversation but the magistrates eager call broke your concentration. You jumped, stood straight, and looked at the magistrate as a guard undid your shackles.

The guard dragged you by the arm to the edge of the ship. You looked down into the murky water, your eyes jumping from one thick chunk of ice to the next.

This is insane, you thought, but before you could turn to protest you were pushed from behind and felt yourself swallowed by the sea.

Your body instantly became cold and you felt ice already forming around your skin. After managing to float to the surface you look back up to the ship glaring at the magistrate who seemed to have been dancing.

"You'd best start swimming! Next!"

I know at one point in there you had "icy freezing cold waters". That's really redundant. You can keep it as just icy waters, as I think I did. I just personally think that flows better.

Another thing you might want to try to do is keep your opinion out of it. I know at some point you describe it as a "cruel punishment". Let your reader decide if it is a cruel/unjust punishment or not, your job is to simply provide them with the information.

You could also use this opportunity as the narrator to give some of the prisoners/NPCs a life. So instead of just narrating that they hadn't done anything wrong, you could have them say what they did. Doing this might make it easier for a reader to sympathize with them, especially if you want the punishment to seem unfit for the crime committed.

You might want to try using the active voice as much as possible. You are the DM afterall, so what you say is law. Using the active voice will give your writing a lot of power.

So I gave you what I might do. It's not perfect, hell, it's not even good. It's a little longer than your original post(by like 20 words). But at least I hope that helps a little bit about storytelling, because that's all you're doing, you're telling a story.  

[Vampfighter1]

Captain Ragnar Devonin

Eh, I decided to scrap that first one. I'm usually a DM, I'll go with something from a DM angle for my first shot... >.>

Yeah, I'll probably end up deleting this one too.

Game Introduction Idea I Used Once, Way Back When - Updated Of Course

The ship gently rocks from side to side, the calm waters that came with the day a benefit to anyone who gets sick out on the open water. A light breeze blows, carrying with it the chill of the winter air and though cloudy, not a single flake of snow has fallen yet. A surprise for most onboard, considering how far north the ship was, but hardly something comforting to the dozen or so barely clothed prisoners that stood up on deck. One at a time they were being uncuffed from each other, dragged to the edge of the ship, and thrown into the icy freezing cold waters below.

The expectation for them to swim to the shore nearly 200 feet out nothing but cruel punishment for whatever misdeed they may have done. None of these people were murderers, some slept with the wrong man's daughter, some stole just so they could eat, crimes that deserved maybe a week - at worst - in jail. The newly appointed Magistrate though had decided to sweep up from the south, taking a random handful of people from each prison along the way, until he reached the docks on the far northern end of the kingdom. There, he loaded everyone, including you, onto a boat and carted you out to sea going as far north as he could.

"Hah. That one went straight down! Throw in the next one!" The Magistrate shouts from somewhere on the upper deck.

Unfortunately for you? You're next. You're unhooked from the lineup, find yourself dragged to the edge of the ship and a key thrust into your hand right before you're thrown overboard. You knew the water was cold, but until you break the surface and go under several feet you don't realize just how cold. You swim up and break the surface, and it feels as though a coat of ice is clinging to your skin already.

"Next! See if you can land it on that one!"

You hear from above you, and turn your eyes toward the shore. You'd best start swimming...

Positive:
First off, just based on the description. I would want to play in this campaign based off of what I've just read.
Number two: Like Virtue said, your detail to what the scene is, made it almost feel more real (Like Virtue, I have also expirienced water in winter (went ice fishing with a cousin, broke through thin ice))


Negative:
The Magistrate- I usually tend to avoid all powerful Empires with the freedom to do as they please in my campaigns, because it makes them a two dimensional character. It's like a half-elf villain who seeks to destroy everyone but half breeds, or a lich who wants to control the world through undeath. It's too predictable what they'll do next.
As for the actual roleplaying, there is very little of it. You set the stage beautifully, but there's little dialogue going on, and all of the action (except for what happens to the main character of the post) is in passive voice. Lots of helping verbs, and too little action verbs. If you use active voice a little more, your roleplaying might improve.  

[Captain Ragnar Devonin]

@Absolute: Only read about half your post so far, but I'm running outta time for now and will finish it later. Just wanted to respond to vamp.

@vampfighter1: In defense of the 'villian' - there was far more to it then that. This was something he did - on his own - without first really 'asking for permission to execute this people in this way.' - The nation as a whole wasn't evil, and this guy had his reasons for doing it beyond "just because I'm evil and I can!" He was actually drawn into the politics of his actions, thus away from the family he had (yes, he had a family) and thus leaving an opening for the PCs - as this game was an "Evil alignments only" game, I wanted to provide a start that bred some motivation for revenge against this man (and it worked; everyone hated him).

Mostly, also, because he was one of many key players in the plot (the others being an ally the PCs met in a village they found nearby, who enticed them ICly into the plot and made them key people to it also, etc... )

I'm also not sure what you mean by active/passive voice/verbs... I guess I have some googling to do later.  

[Absolute Virtue]

It's really kind of hard to explain active/passive voice but if you look here then you might get the idea.

In short though, you want the main focus to be in front doing something, so like

Batman punched the Joker and he fell to the ground.

rather than

The Joker fell to the ground when Batman delivered a punch.