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 Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:36 pm
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Hi guys,
My partner is currently writing a non-fiction piece for uni on polyamory in Australia, but he's interested in getting views from elsewhere as well. If you're happy to answer some questions (anonymously is fine), could you respond here in-thread or via PM? It's a pro-poly piece, obviously, backed up with critical theory.
Thanks!
Age:
Country:
1. How did you come to practise polyamory?
2. How do you describe your current poly configuration? Has this configuration changed over time?
3. How do you and your existing partner/s negotiate beginning a new relationship?
4. What is your stance on other ways of conducting relationships, for instance monogamy/swinging?
5. Share a joyous anecdote from your experience as a polyamorous person—something that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t poly.
6. Would you describe yourself as political in regards to polyamory? (The word political, here, is not restricted to large-scale engagement with activism and protest.)
7. How do you navigate polyamory’s complicated relationship to language? By complicated relationship, I mean the need to define and redefine commonly used terms like friendship, love, sex, commitment.
8. Are you open or not about the fact that you are polyamorous?
9. What is your opinion of the self-help-styled books out there on the subject of polyamory, such as The Ethic Slut, Polyamory in the 21st Century, and Opening Up?
10. How do you think enhanced positive visibility of polyamory (in the community as well as media, government, and law) would benefit you and your partner/s?
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2011 9:03 pm
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Age: 21
Country: USA
1. How did you come to practise polyamory? Long story. I had always had an inclining that "loving more than one" person was something I could do. I mean I loved my ex (who is an a**) and loved my boyfriend. That was the little seed I suppose. Things fell into place when I tumbled head over heels for my friend I met in the 'net.
2. How do you describe your current poly configuration? Has this configuration changed over time?Um... I would describe it as complicated. Charts are awesome. I am in a relationship with my husband, my partner, and their S/O. My husband is currently looking for a partner. My partner has a power exchange relationship with someone out of state.
3. How do you and your existing partner/s negotiate beginning a new relationship?
With words? We pretty much laid down what was cool, and what wasn't. Then if something comes up out of left field we deal with it when it comes.
4. What is your stance on other ways of conducting relationships, for instance monogamy/swinging?
To each their own. As long as everyone is happy, and healthy, I don't care.
5. Share a joyous anecdote from your experience as a polyamorous person—something that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t poly.
I was sitting on the couch between my husband and partner. One was playing Fall Out 3, the other dinking around on their Iphone. I then had the overwhelming feeling of being loved and safe. It was much like a 2x4 of love to the heart. In that moment I knew I was doing the right thing.
6. Would you describe yourself as political in regards to polyamory? (The word political, here, is not restricted to large-scale engagement with activism and protest.)
Yes. I am basing my future work around being an alt. sex. therapist. I am also open about my poly-ness within my classes (mainly soc. and psych) and are more than willing to explain if people have questions.
7. How do you navigate polyamory’s complicated relationship to language? By complicated relationship, I mean the need to define and redefine commonly used terms like friendship, love, sex, commitment.
Carefully. I make terms up on occasion. English sometimes fails to describe what I have, so I improvise.
8. Are you open or not about the fact that you are polyamorous?
To most of my friends and class mates. I am highly considering "coming out" to my parents shortly. I am making some life choices that would make more sense if they knew the backround of me being poly.
9. What is your opinion of the self-help-styled books out there on the subject of polyamory, such as The Ethic Slut, Polyamory in the 21st Century, and Opening Up?
They are okay, but I feel that they are guild-lines and that individual relationships are fluid creatures that morph and cannot be confined to what a "self help book says".
10. How do you think enhanced positive visibility of polyamory (in the community as well as media, government, and law) would benefit you and your partner/s?
I would certainly get a lot less funny looks when I say I have a husband and two partners. It would remove the "oooh shiny" factor of polyamory and a lot of the misinformation.
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2011 10:34 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2011 5:58 am
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2011 9:54 pm
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Age: Withheld
Country: Curretly the US
1. How did you come to practise polyamory? My first Love was poly, but it had always been in the back of my mind.
2. How do you describe your current poly configuration? Has this configuration changed over time? Copy Pasta Rosie's answer- but from my POV.
3. How do you and your existing partner/s negotiate beginning a new relationship?
Copy Pasta Rosie again- I consider us polyfidelious, because I'm concerned about family and fluids.
4. What is your stance on other ways of conducting relationships, for instance monogamy/swinging?
To each their own- but I don't want privilege degrading my relationship or people making assumptions about their rights to my body.
5. Share a joyous anecdote from your experience as a polyamorous person—something that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t poly.
It's been a 15 hour day- I come home and my partner and spouse are on the sofa. I was all "Hi hunny!" And I got a lecture from them both because I forgot to tell them about the afterschool meetings I had, then we laughed about me calling them both hunny.
6. Would you describe yourself as political in regards to polyamory? (The word political, here, is not restricted to large-scale engagement with activism and protest.)
I'm a very private person- I've come out to a few people, but I don't want to come out to any more because I don't feel safe at school.
7. How do you navigate polyamory’s complicated relationship to language? By complicated relationship, I mean the need to define and redefine commonly used terms like friendship, love, sex, commitment.
I haven't had this problem myself.
8. Are you open or not about the fact that you are polyamorous?
On a "need to know basis". Most people don't need to know.
9. What is your opinion of the self-help-styled books out there on the subject of polyamory, such as The Ethic Slut, Polyamory in the 21st Century, and Opening Up?
Any book is only as good as they are for the person reading them- that said, I think most books on Poly could really just fit into "building healthy relationships" and be done.
10. How do you think enhanced positive visibility of polyamory (in the community as well as media, government, and law) would benefit you and your partner/s?
I'd like to make sure there are basic civil rights afforded my partners equally.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 7:10 pm
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Age: 23
Country: Canada
1. How did you come to practise polyamory?
Graverg and I started our relationship 6 years ago February. Prior to starting our relationship (while we were still just friends and had no intention of getting together) we talked a lot about relationship philosophy. Neither of us understood possessive style relationships nor were we really jealous people. When we did start a relationship we decided it would be sexually open. We muddled through just on our own (well enough, though we made a few mistakes nothing catastrophic). Two years later a friend told me about polyamory and I started researching. Being both romantically *and* sexually open seemed to be more along the lines of what I would like to have in a relationship. I talked with Graverg and we decided we'd try polyamory as well as our open relationship. I continued research and we continued talking and it evolved from there.
2. How do you describe your current poly configuration? Has this configuration changed over time?
Kind of a zig-zag daisy chain sort of thing looking something like W. the configuration has changed a lot. Over time it has been just me and Graverg, then we had a few Vs, then a W now like a W . (Leif-Me-Graverg-M-P-A)
3. How do you and your existing partner/s negotiate beginning a new relationship?
Everyone who is directly involved talk about their feelings and the situation and whether the new relationship is alright. It doesn't travel all the way down the line right away, unless there are sexual relations involved which would heighten the health risk of everyone down the line. But for example, if it's one end of the line starting an LDR with an online friend then only the more immediate nodes know right away and it travels down the line as it may. Not everyone in the line is very connected since we're all over the geographical map from New Mexico to Ontario back down to Texas with various communication barriers at certain points. So really only direct partners get consulted first, but everyone knows eventually and everyone knows about things that would affect them directly (such as increased health risks).
4. What is your stance on other ways of conducting relationships, for instance monogamy/swinging?
Well I'm in the swinging category as well. Everything is fine as long as everyone involved has given their informed consent and it is healthy.
5. Share a joyous anecdote from your experience as a polyamorous person—something that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t poly.
Ah! M had gone away for two weeks and Graverg wanted to have her over when she got back. He was having her over for dinner and was just going to have re-heated left overs. But they both had sorely missed each other and I couldn't let things be so normal after such a "long" time away. So I cleaned up the apartment, dressed the plates nicely, got out candles, set the atmosphere and even put fresh sheets on the bed. Then when he left to pick her up I ran away with the animals to our meditation room and gave them the run of the apartment to themselves for the whole night. M really loved it and they shared a nice romantic evening "alone" (I was still in the apartment, but they were effectively alone). It gave me warm fuzzies to know I helped facilitate a romantic evening for them and they really enjoyed themselves.
6. Would you describe yourself as political in regards to polyamory? (The word political, here, is not restricted to large-scale engagement with activism and protest.)
I wouldn't really use the word "political" myself, but it's probably an accurate description. I run a polyamorous support thread and guild on Gaiaonline, I speak about alternatives to monogamy whenever the topic comes up, I try to keep informed about issues in the community, I've written papers for university and wear poly-related jewelry/pins/buttons and have spoken with and helped friend with their feelings/situations.
7. How do you navigate polyamory’s complicated relationship to language? By complicated relationship, I mean the need to define and redefine commonly used terms like friendship, love, sex, commitment.
I try to use what I can find to be the most accepted use of language, however I'm very careful to define my terms carefully when speaking to someone new. I don't feel the need to redefine terms like friendship, love, sex or commitment. They all work perfectly well in polyamorous relationships as they're already defined.
8. Are you open or not about the fact that you are polyamorous?
I'd say I'm cautiously open. I don't hide the fact that I'm polyamorous or my relationship is polyamorous, but I don't shout it on the rooftops and I am careful about who I start conversations about it with. (For example if I am new to a workplace I'm careful who I talk to about my relationship configuration).
9. What is your opinion of the self-help-styled books out there on the subject of polyamory, such as The Ethic Slut, Polyamory in the 21st Century, and Opening Up?
I adore the three mentioned and I have a small collection of other favourites. They helped me a lot in explaining my own emotions as well as gave me many things to think about when starting my journey and even helped me correct some of the mistakes I was making in the sexually open aspect of my relationship. I've gotten much better at communication, understanding and respecting others since delving into those and other books. Not everything is applicable to everyone, but having a variety of options and opinions to sort through and think about is helpful in carving one's own individual path.
10. How do you think enhanced positive visibility of polyamory (in the community as well as media, government, and law) would benefit you and your partner/s?
I wouldn't have to explain in as much detail or get as much scorn when I speak of it. And perhaps advancement in laws to where I would be able to marry all of my partners if I so wised.
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2011 7:14 am
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:59 am
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:04 am
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Age: 25
Country: USA
1. How did you come to practise polyamory? Unexpected threesome. Not even kidding. It just...kind of happened. Kitty and I were fooling around with the permission of her husband, and he asked to join and it was really heated and in the moment. But we all started hanging out more, and then James and I started dating, and everything went really well. So now we're all together.
2. How do you describe your current poly configuration? Has this configuration changed over time? It's a closed triad. Or as I like to call it, we're a trouple. It hasn't really changed, other than James going from monogomous to having two womenz.
3. How do you and your existing partner/s negotiate beginning a new relationship? Since it's closed, we don't. And everything moved very quickly with us in the beginning, but it worked out. And here we are 7 months later.
4. What is your stance on other ways of conducting relationships, for instance monogamy/swinging? To each their own. People should do what makes them happiest, so long as it isn't hurting a partner in the process. Life is too short to live life the socially acceptable way. Unless of course, that's what makes you happy. Then by all means.
5. Share a joyous anecdote from your experience as a polyamorous person—something that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t poly. We've gone on trips and dates together. For my birthday, we went somewhere in Pennsyvania, and that was great. My favorite thing we've done is get a theme hotel room. That was the first time James and I actually had sex. Kitty was there and it was very special to me. James doesn't have much time outside of work, so when he does, he's either enjoying time to himself or spending time with us, his family, or both.
6. Would you describe yourself as political in regards to polyamory? (The word political, here, is not restricted to large-scale engagement with activism and protest.) I don't know about political...but I believe people should have the right to live how they want as long as it's not harming anyone else without government interference. Legal poly marriage would be great, but I don't believe our country is progressive enough for that anytime soon. At least there are certain sects of different religions that are accepting of it.
7. How do you navigate polyamory’s complicated relationship to language? By complicated relationship, I mean the need to define and redefine commonly used terms like friendship, love, sex, commitment. Friendship...well, Kitty and I were (and are) best friends. But it turned into a lot more than that. We're still friends, but now we can love on each other freely. As for love and sex, to me they go hand in hand. I don't like the idea of having sex with someone I'm not in love with. I wasn't in love with James at first, but things progressed and I did fall in love. Our courtship involved a lot of sex. A while back, when I realized I was falling in love, I laid the cards out on the table with my partners and told them I wanted this to be a committed relationship. If I was going to invest feelings, I wanted it to be for the long term. They were okay with that.
8. Are you open or not about the fact that you are polyamorous? With friends and my partners' families. My therapist said I should probably wait to tell my parents. And I'm not sure I'd ever be close enough with my coworkers to tell them outright, especially since my ex works for the same organization and everyone knows him. But if they find out, they find out. I love Kitty and James and I'm not ashamed of it.
9. What is your opinion of the self-help-styled books out there on the subject of polyamory, such as The Ethic Slut, Polyamory in the 21st Century, and Opening Up? I own The Ethical Slut. It's been helpful. I recommended it to my therapist, who was interested in polyamory, since he's never had a poly patient.
10. How do you think enhanced positive visibility of polyamory (in the community as well as media, government, and law) would benefit you and your partner/s? It already has somewhat. My mom and I watch Sister Wives every Sunday. It's a different kind of plural relationship, but it is what it is. My mom thinks they should be free to live how they want since the children seem well adjusted and happy (or they were before the government stepped in.) It makes me feel better that she isn't close minded about their relationships and makes me hopful that one day, after she's finished being shocked, that she'll be accepting of mine.
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:53 am
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Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:56 pm
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Age: 20
Country: USA
1. How did you come to practise polyamory?
I consider myself gender-blind, or else Pansexual. Gender means nothing to me, and so it comes easily for me to be attracted to more than one person at a time, regardless of their gender. When I was younger, this possibility came to light. I was in more that one relationship where I was with both a boy and a girl who were just as much attracted to each other as they were to me. I'm not strictly polygamous, nor am I strictly monogamous; it all depends on the situation and the people involved.
2. How do you describe your current poly configuration? Has this configuration changed over time?
I'm currently in a situationally open monogamous relationship; my boyfriend would be perfectly happy if I were to find a girl I was interested in, but as yet I haven't found one.
3. How do you and your existing partner/s negotiate beginning a new relationship?
At this moment there isn't much to negtiate, but in the past we sat down together and talked about it. Pros and cons, whether everyone was comfortable, etc.
4. What is your stance on other ways of conducting relationships, for instance monogamy/swinging?
I've never been a swinger and it's not really my thing, but I have been, and am at the moment, monogamous. That may change, or it may not. Again, it's all about the situation.
5. Share a joyous anecdote from your experience as a polyamorous person—something that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t poly.
I went to a sleepover/birthday thing for one of my best friends a couple eyars ago and I got to sleep squished together with two other people in one big sleeping bag (we zipped two sleeping bags together) and it was quite cuddly :3
6. Would you describe yourself as political in regards to polyamory? (The word political, here, is not restricted to large-scale engagement with activism and protest.)
I don't really know about that.
7. How do you navigate polyamory’s complicated relationship to language? By complicated relationship, I mean the need to define and redefine commonly used terms like friendship, love, sex, commitment.
I'm an affectionate, friendly person with everybody, so most of that's not a problem, and I've never had the chance to be in a committed polyamorous relationship long enough for sex to come into the picture.
8. Are you open or not about the fact that you are polyamorous?
To some people yes, but in the past I've been called some pretty dirty things for being polyamorous, so it's usually on the DL
9. What is your opinion of the self-help-styled books out there on the subject of polyamory, such as The Ethic Slut, Polyamory in the 21st Century, and Opening Up?
Never read 'em, but now I'm curious.
10. How do you think enhanced positive visibility of polyamory (in the community as well as media, government, and law) would benefit you and your partner(s)?
I've never really thought about it, to be honest. I don't really know...
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