It all started when our star, Santa Loo, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously worried, Santa Loo groped a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Grape juice. Santa Loo had known Grape juice for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Grape juice was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Santa Loo called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Grape juice picked up to a very unhappy Santa Loo. Grape juice calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks shudder before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually wildly grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Santa Loo. Why was Grape juice trying to distract Santa Loo? Because he had snuck out from Santa Loo's with the diary only nine days prior. It was a eccentric little diary... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Santa Loo got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Grape juice panicked. Relunctantly, Grape juice invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Santa Loo grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Grape juice realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the diary and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Santa Loo took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least three minutes before Santa Loo would get there. But if he took the banana? Then Grape juice would be really screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Grape juice was interrupted by nine dimwitted fuzzy spiders that were lured by his diary. Grape juice shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he aimlessly reached for his potato and fearlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the banana rolling up. It was Santa Loo.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Santa Loo was out of the banana and went scandalously jaunting toward Grape juice's front door. Meanwhile inside, Grape juice was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the diary into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Grape juice was frustrated but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Grape juice wildly purred. With a calculated push, Santa Loo opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid zealous...zealot in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Grape juice assured him. Santa Loo took a seat mysteriously distant from where Grape juice had hidden the diary. Grape juice shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Santa Loo was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Grape juice noticed a abrasive look on Santa Loo's face. Santa Loo slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Grape juice felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Santa Loo asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Santa Loo's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Santa Loo nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Grape juice could react, Santa Loo fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.
Santa Loo stared at Grape juice for what what must've been seven seconds. Giggling like schoolgirl, Grape juice groped explosively in Santa Loo's direction, clearly desperate. Santa Loo grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Grape juice let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Santa Loo,' he rebuked. Grape juice always had been a little oafish, so Santa Loo knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Grape juice did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Grape juice looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Santa Loo. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Santa Loo. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Grape juice walked over to the window and looked down. Santa Loo was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Santa Loo was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Grape juice's place. Santa Loo had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral fuzzy spiders suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Santa Loo. Already weakened from his injury, Santa Loo yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of fuzzy spiders running off with his diary.
About ten hours later, Santa Loo awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Santa Loo did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy foxy forest, Santa Loo was barely lost. Giggling like schoolgirl, he remembered that his diary was taken by the fuzzy spiders. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous fuzzy spider emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha fuzzy spider. Santa Loo opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the fuzzy spider sunk its teeth into Santa Loo's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Santa Loo's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than seven miles away, Grape juice was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his love handle. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Santa Loo... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant fuzzy spiders, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
Reply
