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 Posted: Mon Jun 28, 2010 10:21 pm
So... I hate to be the one to start this topic. But that's what has consumed my thoughts of late. To clarify, I personally am fresh out of a 14 year relationship with my husband and am finding the "single life" baffling, to say the least. It's all so... so new to me. I don't know the rules. I don't know how to deal with heartbreak. I don't know when to give a boy a kiss and when to tell him to sit n' spin. But more than that, I'm also reconnecting with old friends, whose relationships I allowed to fall by the wayside due to my previous association. So, I would love to share and/or read some words of wisdom from my fellow older gaians who have some experience in this department, because to be honest, I feel like my inexperience is just going to bring me (and has already gotten me into) trouble. Maybe we can all help each other out! For me, here are some little tidbits I've learned through introspection and recent hardships:
Nothing is constant. Everything changes.
Be financially independent because-- well... refer to item #1.
Trust your instincts. Don't ignore your gut!
Loneliness sucks, but it won't kill you.
Don't relinquish your social circle... ever! True friendship is only short of family for its importance.
Do your best to maintain your self respect. Because life can get crazy sometimes and things change, but you'll always be accountable to yourself in the end.
That being said, I have tons of questions. I hope some of you do too, because maybe we can all help one another out! Off the top of my head:
How do you meet people your own age who are single, aside from going to the local bar?
How the hell does small talk work, anyway?
What is the best way to reconnect with an old friend who I've lost contact with years ago?
What are some good "easy" ways to hang out with someone you don't know well?
What is the shelf life for a new relationship? E.g., how long do they tend to run for?
SEX. That's right, I said the S word! When do you know that it's time to take the new boy for a spin -er- a new friendship to the next level?
Sex: Complication waiting to happen?
Or
Sex: The cement that supports a good relationship?
How common is true romance?
and last but not least,
Any advice for overcoming heartbreak?
Okay so... try not to be bowled over by this long post! You don't even have to read the whole damned thing if you've got something to add. Let's just try to figure out this whole humanity thing and share our experiences!
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Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:54 pm
I'm so glad to see you again Mira, but unfortunately I am lacking in the romance department, so I don't know how much advice I can give you.
On the topic of connecting with old friends, it isn't nearly as hard as you might imagine. Just e-mail them and say something like, "Hey! I was just thinking about you, and I realized that I haven't talked to you in forever. How are you doing?" It works for me in most cases. E-mail is nice for first contact because you don't have to act or anything. Once you get a reply about their life, then you can chat for a little. And, before you know it, the two of you are out drinking a cup of coffee somewhere together or something.
On the topic of sex, I think it's best to wait until you are married to the person. Think about it; if someone is going to sleep with other people outside of marriage, wouldn't that person be just as likely to sleep with other people inside of marriage? For another thing, if you keep the hormones out of picture while you are dating, then you have a better picture of what the person is truly like, and your sex life with the person doesn't play a factor in deciding compatibility. And then, there is always the possibility of becoming pregnant with guy's child and then realizing he's a complete jerk. Abstaining until you are legally bonded seems like the smartest choice.
I hope I was of some help. *hugs* heart
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Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 7:51 pm
I was looking for funny quotes about breakups a few weeks ago because I'm still kind of sad about my relationship that ended last August. The ones that I liked the best were from "Miss Piggy":
"Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs."
And
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and sometimes it is necessary to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye!"
Well, they made me laugh, anyway. sweatdrop Then again, maybe I just get mean when I think about The Ex. xp
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 8:16 am
I'll go right down the list: * How do you meet people your own age who are single, aside from going to the local bar? Honestly, though I hate to admit it, online "dating" worked for me. I didn't get in to a relationship with someone online, per say. But, what it really happened was a few messages back and forth, and then we agreed to meet. Things clicked from there. But there are other ways of meeting people. Just being personable and chatty can help you meet people. See a lost looking poor soul in the grocery store? Chat them up. See someone looking at a book you've read? Talk to them about it. Join a "club"- writing circles, book clubs, softball league, life drawing classes. Anything you're interested in that does group things. This is a good place to start looking for things that are fun: http://www.meetup.com/ * How the hell does small talk work, anyway? This is still somewhat baffling for me too. I find it best to just push through and keep conversing. Easy topics: books, education, interests, pop culture, and the like. Anything that has potential common ground is a great way to get small talk going, from what I've seen. I was lucky that I windfell into an easy connection. * What is the best way to reconnect with an old friend who I've lost contact with years ago? Email. Facebook. Hadwritten letters. Anything that sends out a gesture, but isn't liable to awkward pauses, like a phone call. Because you want to "feel it out" so to speak. Generally, just a "Hey, I've been thinking about you. How are you?" works well. * What are some good "easy" ways to hang out with someone you don't know well? Coffee shops, a movie, museums, festivals, amusement parks, concerts, theater, group dinners. Anything that has a somewhat distracting atmosphere where you're not just staring at each other and waiting for the Awkward to descend. * What is the shelf life for a new relationship? E.g., how long do they tend to run for? I think that depends on your connection with the person. I've been dating Alex for six months, and I don't see an end in sight, thankfully. From what I've read people who are in a "dating" situation and are moving towards "relationship" have a honeymoon stage where they are all fawning over each other and tend to put their own interests aside for the interests of the other person. That stage tends to last anywhere from three months to six months. When people start to be interested in their own interests again is when you really start to see if a relationship can hold up or if it's time to move on. * SEX. That's right, I said the S word! When do you know that it's time to take the new boy for a spin -er- a new friendship to the next level? This one's tough. I wasn't really sexually active before I met Alex. So I don't know what "normal" people do in these situations. We came to a mutual decision and took proper steps to ensure that it was what we wanted to do, ie getting tested and talking through it first; making sure we agreed on views of pregnancy and what the course of action would be in that situation. So I guess my answer here is to talk through it first, which of course kills spontaneity, but is more responsible. :/ * Sex: Complication waiting to happen? Or Sex: The cement that supports a good relationship? Both! Sex will complicate things a little, because that's the nature of it, but when there is love behind it can really help the bonding process. * How common is true romance? I dunno. The hopeful side of me wants to say pretty common, but the realist in me shakes her head and sighs. :/ I'm a success story? So you've got plus one in the tally! * Any advice for overcoming heartbreak? Get active and live life. I'm sure it's so so so hard after coming out of a marriage that long. But I think it'll get better with time. it took me something like seven years to get over my first relationship, and now that I look back it was way. too. damn. long. So I had to push myself and make myself feel desirable and worth it, so to speak. And just man up and take the plunge out of a comfort zone and into living life again. But definitely give yourself time to grieve a little. Just not seven years. wink
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Posted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 11:57 am
I'm glad I'm not the only one who needs lots of time to get over a heartbreak. It's been almost a year for me since I broke up with my boyfriend, and I still pine away after him even though I know that the relationship, while not abusive, was toxic. It drives my family crazy, but I guess it's just the "grieving" process.
But Zellie, you are so right about getting over heartbreak by living your life and finding better things to do. When I actually make myself go shopping or do research at the library or something like that, I feel so much better than when I stay home and read old e-mails from "him." (Actually, sometimes it helps me to read some of the e-mail messages he's sent me or read my journal entries from those times. It reminds me of all the things he did to upset me and makes me realize that I'm better off without him.)
But other than that...Gee. I'm no expert on relationships, since this guy is my first love and our "relationship" was a pseudo-one at best. All I can say is...hmm. Do what I'm trying to figure out how to do right now: Rediscover who you are apart from his influence. Figure out what YOU like, not because your ex wanted you to like it or didn't want you to like it, but your real opinions as if you'd never met him. I dunno. I don't know your personal situation in regards to what things were like when you were with your husband; maybe you didn't really have any problems with things like that. I just know that I was a very silly girl, and it got to the point where I would obsess over the slightest little things I did or said, or wore, or how my hair looked, or whether I was wearing too much makeup, etc., worrying about how these things (read: being myself) would make him more, or less, attracted to me. (Even though he's a control freak in other aspects of his life, he never told me what to do. But he expressed his general opinions enough that I got a feel for what he did or did not approve of.) Then, after I broke up with him, I started doing stuff I didn't think he would like, just to rebel. Now I'm sick of doing both those things; I'm tired of having what I THINK he might say rule the way I live my life. So I'm really forcing myself to reevaluate my tastes. Kind of like that scene in Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts is tasting all different kinds of eggs to find out which one SHE actually likes, and not just the kind she would order just because her boyfriends were getting the same thing. Sorry for all the rabbiting. Back to my point, which is: I did a very silly thing in my relationship and let my own personal voice/tastes get drowned in his. So, as inexperienced as I am, the only thing I can say is, know who you are and what you like (and don't like) and don't let anyone else's voice drown out your own. I wish I had remembered that.
Oh, and of course, don't forget all of us here in Vetus Gaianus. We're here for you when you want to talk. wink
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Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 1:58 pm
There was one guy I dated for a few weeks who had everything in common with me. Then I found out he was a liar. He didn't lie about his interests or anything, but he would lie about what he was doing and where he was. I wasn't badgering him or anything, but I didn't realize until a few months later that he had been dating another girl at the same time, and that's why he went silent and ignored me for 3 months. I was really mad when I found out. It was such a shame that he had to be like that. It's not easy to find a guy who has much in common with me. So, Mira, make sure that you ask his family, friends, co-workers, etc about his character so you don't end up with a liar. But, even though I really liked him and could talk with him for hours without getting bored, I can't say that I really miss him. It's not in my nature to brood over things and dwell on what-ifs in relationships, but I've been friends with enough people to dwell on old relationships to know how painful it can be. Dwelling on past failures seems to me to be about as toxic as staying in the toxic relationships. I've only dated a few guys, and none of them very seriously, so I don't know if I can offer the best advice in the world. Actually, I've been wondering about how to assert myself in the dating scene, and how to start dating someone who you haven't known for a while. The only guys I have dated started out as friends. Maybe I just need to make more guy friends. confused The sad thing is that I'm kind of estranged from those guys now. sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 3:11 pm
Chibi, I'm kind of in the same boat right now! NO eligible men anywhere I go. (They're ALL taken. Seriously.) Sheesh. I'm starting to think that the idiot was the only man I'll ever meet, even though goodness knows I hope that isn't true. And...that [insert colorful word of your choice here] CHEATED on you!? What a pig! evil He's lucky I don't know who he is. I would've called him up and yelled bad words at him for treating you so shabbily. But...yeah. I can't add personally to the advice about guys who are LIARS per se, but I can definitely say that something's wrong if his actions don't add up to all the pretty words he says to you. My ex SAID he had feelings for me and that he wanted to be more than friends, but he would almost always beg off any of my attempts to spend time with him. Even just "hanging out." So of course, actually TAKING me anywhere was out of the question. I've learned not to believe what a guy says until (or unless) he actually shows me that he cares. Otherwise, well, talk is cheap.
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Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:11 pm
How do you meet people your own age who are single, aside from going to the local bar? - friends of friends, go to places that have things that interest you. Plays, volunteer work, church, etc.
How the hell does small talk work, anyway? - I'm not sure I have kindof a big mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind.
What is the best way to reconnect with an old friend who I've lost contact with years ago? If you find them again, which using sites such as facebook can help, just start with a heart felt "sorry".
SEX. That's right, I said the S word! When do you know that it's time to take the new boy for a spin -er- a new friendship to the next level? Usually, I think it is just a see how things progress. Nothing is written in stone. Just give it time.
Sex: Complication waiting to happen?
Or
Sex: The cement that supports a good relationship? Both, depending on how you feel.
Any advice for overcoming heartbreak? Time?
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Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 6:15 pm
Mademoiselle Alvinette Chibi, I'm kind of in the same boat right now! NO eligible men anywhere I go. (They're ALL taken. Seriously.) Sheesh. I'm starting to think that the idiot was the only man I'll ever meet, even though goodness knows I hope that isn't true. And...that [insert colorful word of your choice here] CHEATED on you!? What a pig! evil He's lucky I don't know who he is. I would've called him up and yelled bad words at him for treating you so shabbily. But...yeah. I can't add personally to the advice about guys who are LIARS per se, but I can definitely say that something's wrong if his actions don't add up to all the pretty words he says to you. My ex SAID he had feelings for me and that he wanted to be more than friends, but he would almost always beg off any of my attempts to spend time with him. Even just "hanging out." So of course, actually TAKING me anywhere was out of the question. I've learned not to believe what a guy says until (or unless) he actually shows me that he cares. Otherwise, well, talk is cheap. His name is Sean, and he used to work at a movie theater close to my house. His job was a good commonality because I used to work in a movie theater too. Except, I was an usher, and he was a projectionist. Anyway, most of the time, he would get me into a movie for free, and then we would usually hang out at Waffle House for several hours and just talk. Well, I found out that he had a thing for a girl who worked at the theater with him. I think he started dating her about the time that he started giving me the silent treatment. But, I can't figure out why he didn't want to stick with me. We had so much in common and we thought the same way on just about every issue. The only thing that I can think of is that he was 3 years younger than me, but that isn't a big deal when you are both in college. *shrugs*
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Posted: Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:47 am
Still, what a pig! The least he could have done was TELL you, even if you weren't dating seriously. You had a right to know that he didn't want to see you anymore, so you wouldn't have to sit by the phone waiting to hear from him. Oh, that's another thing. I wasted entirely too much time sitting by the phone. If I had to do it over again, I would have made myself a lot less available. He was always too busy for me. The least I could have done was...return the favor! mrgreen
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Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 12:51 am
I met my husband because we were both members of the Catholic Society at university. It seems that joining an interest group and getting active in your community puts you in contact with people who share similar interests. Some cities have groups dedicated to singles that have monthly outings, like rock-climbing and beach trips; they're not geared toward dating and hook-ups, but it is a good way to discover yourself, gain a little confidence, and possibly meet someone. If you attend church, going regularly and getting involved in some of the extra curricular is a great way to meet new people. If you don't have a church, look into visiting a few. You can even join their groups without having to go to Sunday service. You can feel a bit more confident that the men you meet at church are going to be good people.
If you wanted to hang out with someone whom you aren't really familiar with, invite him to some group activity; that way, it's not a "date" and you're not alone with him. You won't feel pressured to socialize. If you can't find an activity, throw a party yourself and invite the person you want to get to know better. Also, if you know of a particular interest of his, get him to help you out with it or share his knowledge of it. For example, "George, I've always been interested in martial arts, and I know you've practiced Tae Kwon Do for eight years. Do you mind if I come along to one of your classes?" Then treat him to ice cream afterward.
I stayed clear of sex my whole single life and breathe a sigh of relief that I did. It's complicated enough within a marriage; it's nice to enjoy the less carnal affections of a dating relationship, and I believe that the appropriate time for sex is marriage. Otherwise, why bother getting married? If you're already living/sleeping together, the only difference is that you share certain health benefits and legal issues. Not very spiritual. Not very practical. Not much sense. Also, what was a big issue for my husband, was that if you sleep with people you aren't married to, you're sharing them with every person they've ever been with, and that's just unsettling and off-putting. John insisted that if I weren't a virgin when we were married he'd go crazy every time we were intimate knowing someone else desecrated me. And I'd feel similarly if he had been with another woman. No offense to other ladies, but I don't want my male's reproductive organ going into my most private and personal area that has been in another person's v****a. It's not very nice physically or psychologically.
How common true romance is is something the poets have been trying to decide for a long time. I think the consensus is, "Meh?" ^^;
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Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 11:49 pm
XD
Coz the first thing that popped out at me was the sex question, I have to answer that:
Sex is like extra credit... it's not needed, but it's always a treat.
LoLz, I find it being "cement" to a relationship as very very silly. MAYBE in some, but hey... there is no such thing as a model relationship [lulz, refer to #1... EVERYTHING changes, nothing is constant]
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Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 4:33 pm
Group hug!!
*SQUISH*
Thanks everyone for your awesome words of advice and for sharing your experiences. I love the Mrs. Piggy quotes too, I needed that! And meetup.com looks amazing, what a cool link!
It's been six months now since I left that jerkwad and I'm slowly healing, I can feel it. Some days are worse than others of course, but thanks to the fact that it's summer, I have no lack of interesting activities to participate in to get my mind off of my woes.
I've also reconnected with a bunch of old friends, thanks in part to facebook and the fact that I'm back in my old home town. It's been flippin' awesome.
What's more, I've also made some more really cool new friends. I'm still a bit socially awkward, but they don't seem to mind too much... particularly since a good portion of them are super chatty anyway haha!
Part of what annoys me about being with these new people is that they all throw out these references to movies/shows/music/youtube videos that crack everyone else up while I stand there and try to figure out what is so funny. It makes me feel old. :XP:
Also, I've been getting a lot of male interest... which is flattering and fun, but also troubling. Emotionally I'm healing, but I'm not really capable of a true romantic connection-- which excites some guys and turns others off. I'm afraid I'm missing out on some good opportunities but from where I stand, guys are either going to be friends, or friends with benefits right now. I can't handle anything else. At least for the most part I've been honest with the guys who have admitted an interest in me. It seems only fair, after all.
And dating! OH, dating!
It's scary!
Meeting guys I don't really know who want to take me out to dinner/lunch/cocktails? Strange! I don't trust them at all, but the few times I've gone out on a limb, I've enjoyed myself and the guys have been true gentlemen. I just don't want to get put into a bad situation due to my inexperience.
I'm not even sure what constitutes a date. If we meet up at the bar for a few beers, is that a date? If we go to a party and dance on a bridge with hundreds of other people, is that a date?
Soooo yeah. So much so quickly! Six months is not long enough to figure all this stuff out haha!
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Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 6:51 pm
I would think that you would need some more time to heal before getting involved with another guy, but I'm glad to hear that you're happier than you were before. I was really worried about you when you were depressed. We love you, Mira! *huggles* whee heart
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Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 12:54 pm
Yeah, you're probably right Chib. The only problem is that I enjoy hanging out with guys, and that seems to inevitably lead to other things. But I've decided in the past couple of days that I'm going to try to hang out with more of my girlfriends instead of the guys I've met. I'm sure it'll be better for me and less complicated.
I really was pretty messed up there for a while. I really still am, but like I said, I'm healing.
I still have things to worry about in regards to that though, the family is pressing me to get in contact with my sister (who I haven't talked to in six months), and I need to get a divorce before I can feel really free. The whole divorce thing is pretty upsetting, but I'm trying to stay strong.
*Huggle* I love you all too! Thanks so much for the support, I'm so lucky to know so many lovely people.
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