moved to the writing prose subforum
Intersting that you chose to write the story in present tense instead of the traditional past tense.
Quote:
So this is where is all starts. Highschool I mean. The place they say either makes you or breaks you. Where human will is tested.
There wrong you know. Highschool is full of lies, hope, and lost dreams. Highschool is a place we populars thrive and everyone else withers into nothing unless
your of course the nerd who will run a company more popular than microsoft. For everyone else your nightmare begins. Who am I? I have many names. Nerd, Dweb, Geek, and my favorite loser beyond repair. For now call me Bailey.
Quote:
Highschool is full of lies,
hopes, and lost dreams
I would give an adjective like crushed to hopes because that adds to the feeling of highschool sucks.
Microsoft is a company and should be capitalized.
You said earlier in the paragraph that this is a place that popular people like you thrive, and then at the end you call your self a loser beyond repair. Just a little conflicting
smile Quote:
" Move it b***h," she said as she slams me into the locker. She walks away laughing with a bunch of her stuck up friends.
next time please put enters between your paragraphs, not just time breaks.
Quote:
Give
he a clever
comback like f you or sorry I won't let it happen again but who the hell really cares.
Quote:
"What the
hells wrong with you.
Quote:
He takes a swing at his beer.
I am not an expert when it comes to drugs, so is swing the right verb?
interesting that you use astriks when saying a**, but not asses.
Interesting story so far.
It seems more of a diary entry type of story and since it's coming from a girl, then put more ranting and complaining. There are a couple of times in scattered areas though that I can see where the thought process is going, but because of lack of punctuation the ideas are kind of blended (did that make any sense?
sweatdrop )
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