Probably the last time...

[ecopper12]

I will post a story here. I know it will get ripped apart, and I want that. But I feel like posting it in the Arena's or somewhere similar will give me a better chance of being spotted. Anyway, I am not going to ramble anymore. Here is the prolouge and part of Chapter one for my horror story.

Hotel Isabella

Prologue: Check-In

All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain...we can be like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand...don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly...don't fear the reaper
Baby I'm your man...

Derek Atlas began sing along as his favorite song played through his car speakers. He was scanning the road for his exit when he saw it sneaking up on his right.

“There you are!” Derek said as he pulled off the interstate and into the exit. Where was he going? Well, Derek had no real destination in mind as he pulled off the exit and into a traffic jam.

“Oh, perfect! This is just what I needed!” He said as he hit his head on the wheel. Derek had never been fond of anything stopping him from going from point A to point B. This was no exception. He gazed out the window for any place he could stay. His girlfriend had just thrown him out, and he needed a place to rest his head. His eyes came to rest on a hotel in the distance. It looked nice enough, albeit a bit beat up. He was still stuck in an unmoving traffic jam from hell, and it didn’t show any signs of moving either. Derek was never a law breaker, but when you have just been thrown out of the house you paid for yourself, the law really isn’t a concern. After all, you have to look out for number one, right?

Derek turned the steering wheel ever so slightly to the right, and then began to creep out behind the white line. He knew this would get him in so much trouble if he got caught, but he didn’t care.

There was enough room to drive so that he wasn’t hugging the shoulder trying to avoid hitting any cars. He saw the bewildered looks of the other drivers as he slowly crept by. When he made it to the turn off ahead, he pulled into it, and headed towards the hotel.

He smiled as he pulled into the parking space. Now that he was closer to the hotel, he could tell he was in for a treat. On the outside, everything was lavishly decorated. The windows were draped with flowing, deep red curtains. He got out of his car and looked up. There, standing perched on top of the building, were the words, “Hotel Isabella.”

“Well, this certainly looks promising.” Derek said brightly.

He walked up to the hotel door, and pulled. The door swung open and he was greeted with a fancy doorbell that sounded like an organ playing. He was immediately approached by a man who appeared to come from behind the counter. He was wringing his hand together as if he was worried.

“Hello? We weren’t expecting visitors at a time like this. What can I help you with?”

Derek was puzzled by his comment about not expecting visitors.

He turned and looked out this door to see broad daylight. Why would he not be expecting anyone? Derek then realized he had been asked a question.

“Oh! Um…I would like a room. Do you have any available?”

The man’s eyes widened and he began to wring his hands a little tighter.

“Y-You want a room? Are you sure?

“Sure I’m sure! That’s not a problem is it?”

The man began to step towards the counter.

“N-No! Not at all! We’d be happy to help anyone who should choose to stay here.” The man sounded genuinely afraid. He handed Derek the keys and led him to his room. Little did Derek know this would soon be one hell of a hotel visit…

Night One: Wake Up Scream

Got to keep running, just keep running. I have to keep moving. I can’t let her catch me!

Derek began to run faster at the apparition gained on him. She was the scariest thing Derek had seen in his life, and from what he could he could tell, she always would be.

Faster…Faster! I have to go faster!

Derek was running faster than he ever had trying to escape this…Thing. He looked behind him to try to get another glimpse of what he was running from.

She has long flowing white hair, and a wrinkled face. Her eyes were sunk in so deep that it appeared that she had none. Her jaw seemed as though it was detached as she glided effortlessly down the hallway after him. She was wearing a long robe that flapped in the wind behind her. Scariest of all, she had claws that looked as if they would slice steel in half.

Derek gulped and turned his head forward and pushed himself to run faster. Suddenly he tripped on the floor, and he was sent reeling to the ground. He scrambled against a wall as the ghostly woman closed in on him.

This is it I guess…This is the end of Derek Atlas! Derek thought as she raised her clawed hand. With one single swipe she would end this…He watched in horror as she brought her hand down. The last thing he saw was her horrible grin and then…He woke up.

“Whew…What a dream that was. I’m sweating like a pig. I had better go take a quick shower. He glances at the clock. It was one in the morning. Derek has gone to bed pretty early last night because he had a lot on his mind. What was he going to do about his girlfriend? She hadn’t called him since yesterday, and he wasn’t even sure she would. She was the kind of person who tends to make a decision and stick with it until the person learns a lesson. This was a poor match up, as Derek was strong willed and never gave in to demands. He almost never learned a lesson from anything.

He shed his clothes and stepped into the shower. When he turned the faucet he jumped back. The water was ice cold. As it began to heat up, Derek could feel his muscles relax. He let the warm water flow over him. This was nice. He felt as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He looked up and jumped back once more. The facet was leaking a red substance instead of giving off water. Derek reached to turn it off, but it appeared that whatever had happened was gone, and it was flowing normally again.

W-Was that…Blood? Derek wondered.

He stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. This night certainly was out of the ordinary.


So...What do you guys think? Please, point out anything wrong with it. I welcome it all.  

[ecopper12]

Okay, so I added a bit more. I'm confident in this one, and would like it if someone would tell em what they thought.  

[PainfullyVivid]

I'm just going to talk generally since I really don't want to take the time to edit it all.

First off, you need to start off your story better. One of the basic rules of storytelling is to engage the reader within the first few lines. You have to make it interesting enough that they continue so they can find out more about the story. The way you have it now, the first lines are the guy singing and finding his exit, nothing intriguing at all. If I was scanning stories, I would have skipped this one for another. Just rearranging how you presented your information would work. A first line of, "Derek Atlas had no where to go (/or sleep)." will at least make the reader perhaps wonder WHY he has no place to go. That would easily lead into you being able to say why and maybe offer some minor details about the relationship (even if it is in general like, "After two happy years with his girlfriend in his suburban home, their relationship ended abruptly in a storm of screams and flying possessions. Her last shrill as she kicked him out still rung in his ears.")

I'm not entirely sure why he has a certain exit he is looking for when he has no idea where he wants to go. Shouldn't he just pick a random exit then or pick one on the basis of what hotels are on the exit sign?

Also, your character seems a tad bipolar. First off, he seems happy since he is singing and exclaiming "There you are!" (which in the first action's context, seems more like an excited shout). Then, he goes to very frustrated when he hits the traffic jam. Then while his decision to go around everyone matches that, he does it slowly and cautiously which seems more rational than he should be. I know if I was at that point where I was so upset that I would break the law when I normally wouldn't, I'd just go, "******** this!" and whip out and drive. I would only go slowly if I wasn't so upset. Then he smiles when he pulls into a hotel and is perfectly happy again. Bad moods generally don't just go away even if you find a nice hotel.

Which brings me to wondering why he would bother to go to a hotel. Doesn't he have friends? If he doesn't, then you need to go into that briefly. Details are important because they make the story make sense. They also allow the reader to connect to the story and character.

The lines like, "After all, you have to look out for number one, right?" stylistically don't match with the rest of the paragraph. It just seems really out of place.

I'd say describe things more too. You begin to describe the hotel but cut it off. I also have no idea what Derek looks like. I picture him as a black human shaped blob. While you leave most/some characteristics to the imagination, you also have to give the reader the basis when the character or setting is important.

Don't use words like "nice." These are abstract words, meaning that they can mean so many different things to many different people. It doesn't really add to writing. Also, in the paragraph itself (the one where he is in the shower), it's unnecessary. The reader can clearly see the shower is nice if it makes him feel he has not a care in the world. You have to let the story show the reader some things and emotions instead of telling them.

Just some last things. Cut down on the "..." when they aren't needed such as when he is thinking it is his end in the dream or in the one of the sentences after that. You should also cut down some of your wordiness, combine some sentences, and connect two different thoughts through transitional phrases. Sometimes you move into something else mid paragraph and while I can figure out how you lead to it with some thinking, it breaks the flow. Also, in some places you use "was scanning" or such. Unless "was" is needed for the sentence for whatever indication you need or it sounds better, don't use it. "He was scanning..." can easily be "He scanned..." It sounds better too.
Lastly, grammar. At some places, you add commas when not needed or don't have commas where they are needed.  

[ecopper12]

Again, thanks Pain. I can always count on you to help me out. Also, I am taking creative writing next year so I expect some improvements.

Thanks again!  

[Den Dristige Djevelen]

~*~

Pretty much what Pain said.

Your spelling and grammar are slowly getting better; now it's time to work on content. Pain touched on all my major problems here. You need a hook, he wouldn't have selected a specific exit if he didn't care where he went, he switches between moods too quickly, the every-so-often colloquial writing bothers me...you get the drift.

Mainly, though, this:

"He glances at the clock. It was one in the morning. Derek has gone to bed pretty early last night because he had a lot on his mind."

Really?

You MUST keep the same tense through the whole story. In the span of three sentences, you shifted four times. That's ridiculous.

Lastly, but only in strict personal opinion, as it's just how I am, your sentences could stand to be a little longer. Flesh 'em out a little more. The sequences like, "He shed his clothes and stepped into the shower. When he turned the faucet he jumped back. The water was ice cold." kind of make me think of kindergarten worksheets. You know, "I went to the beach. I played in the water. I made a sand castle. I had a lot of fun."
That's minor, though.

Overall an improvement, but not quiiiiiite enough to impress yet.

Good luck in your class, by the way.

~*~

 

[ecopper12]

I thank you Dris. Any help is appreciated. l'm glad to hear I am making an improvement, and that might be even better for my class. Thanks for the luck!  

[Yaoinaut]

While obviously Pain and Dris have covered most, I just want to offer some of my own small opinions.

Careful of repeating words. Such as when you are describing the ghost, you use the word scariest twice. Seems like a small issue, but done a lot, it can really pull one out of the story.

Also, even the word scariest, it just doesn't seem that strong to me. Maybe some thing like

"She was a truly horrifying sight to Derek. He had never seen something so foul."

Keep in mind, I am far from perfect at English, despite it being my subject of choice. It's just a suggestion