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This is a story i wrote...

do you like it?

yes

83%

[ 15 ]

16%

[ 3 ]

Total Votes : 18

Apollo Thrace

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Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 7:59 pm

[ Message temporarily off-line ]

Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:11 pm

I will check it out next time I sign on 3nodding

Seth Cash
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Apollo Thrace

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Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 8:12 pm

Seth Cash

I will check it out next time I sign on 3nodding

thank you 3nodding

Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 1:40 am

Beautifully written. Your descriptions are vibrant and fresh. Very well done. I only have 2 Suggestions if you would like to hear them? I can PM them to you are post them here, which ever you like.

Mariposa

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Queen Evil Fluffy

Dapper Sex Symbol

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Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 1:58 am

Nice I like it

Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 11:53 am

That's good. I like the description in there 3nodding

Dawn Crest

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SirTracey

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Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 1:16 pm

It's fascinating how the description surrounds you like you're there.. well done you must continue I'd like to read more of your works. mrgreen

Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 2:39 pm

The describtion is really tight. It gives you that sense of being on the actual battlefield. Makes you think of the soldiers that are at war right now.

Spear of Destiny

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Seth Cash
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Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 11:04 pm

I've read it a while ago, but never commented. That's one way to stir up the emotions. Good writing.

Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 12:58 am

(Can anyone post comments? Do I have to do a little dance first or sacrifice an old lady? gonk If not, then I'll go ahead and post, but if I haven't done my sacrificial ritual properly, I'll just be getting rid of this post later, k. xD)

Alrighty. That was a very strong peice, it made me feel like I was right there watching the scene, even though I have no clue what German MG 42 tracers and M5A1 Stuart tanks and all those other fancy-shmancy weapon terms are. I do, however, have a qualm with your putting a comma (,) after your speech. x___x Shoot me with one of those lengthily named guns if I'm wrong, but you really don't need the commas there. It's just a basic punctuation error, easily fixed.

Also, you switch from past tense to present tense when talking about the stick grenade falling on Tansley and Dalby. It's quite a sudden shift, and usually I wouldn't notice something like that, but it's really random and uncalled for.

Um, anyways, I think I just made myself sound like a total b***h, but I meant it in a positive way, I promise. Your writing can only get better; the first few lines of your story blew me away, and the rest was equally stunning. ^___^ Good job.