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[ 5 ] |
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| Total Votes : 5 |
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 Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 7:44 pm
When the river over flows
and my pain runs deep
the trees crash down to my feet
I can hardly breathe
the lightning strikes
How can you walk away from me?
The storm thrives on
Alone once more
Drowning in a flood
It rushes over me
Choking and slipping away
Does it please you what you do to me?
Alone on my bed seeing it all happen again
All the real pain lasts after its over
I see you picture and want to forget
I want it all to end
I lie down and wait
Does it please you what yo do to me?
The blood pours off the bed
Down on the floor
Its over I'm done
I see your face on valentines day
Flowers in you hand
Then i see you walk away
My last breath cries out...
"Does it please you what you do to me?"
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Posted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:22 pm
Other than some tiny grammatical errors, I thought it wasn't bad. The flow was nice. There was no real stuttering or stumbling anywhere.
The main thing that I would change is the last stanza. I think that the end of it should not only reflect the line "Does it please you what you do to me?" but also the line, "How can you walk away from me?"
In reverse order.
It would fit and flow so well right there.
Then I see you walk away
My last breath cries out,
"How can you walk away from me?
"Does it please you what you do to me?"
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Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:33 pm
Thanks its flows much better that way smile
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Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 11:49 am
the poem sounds real cool..i like it smile
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Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 11:13 pm
I like the repetition and imagery. Well done. I can't say it resonates with me, though. Just from my perspective, it feels overdone. I see this subject everywhere, and it always seems to me like too much force is being put on something that isn't really uncommon.
In short, and I mean this in a constructive way, make me care. Show how much you've put into the relationship to feel so betrayed. Show some depth, otherwise it's just another breakup.
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