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 Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2009 9:47 am
Ok I just started this post because some people want critiques on their writing. I'm not saying I'm a professional, but if u have a story, poem, etc. that you would like someone to critique, bring it here or pm me, and I'll see what I can do!
I myself am a writer and I understand that we all have different styles of writing. Don't worry, I'll keep this in mind as I read. If you need tips or ideas, just as me. As far as my writing preferances go, I only have one rule that I try hard to follow: USE ADJECTIVES! They help a reader get more into the story.
Well, that's all I'll say for now, so....Happy Writing! ^_^
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Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 6:47 pm
Here's the first chapter in a story I'm trying to write, I've gotten to chapter three so far:Home Sweet Home
A thread of chocolate brown hair lay across Raven’s human face, God help me if I screw this up... I have spent far too long hunting this fang juvenile, I better not miss... She drew back her bow and trained two poisoned arrows on the dragon’s jugular vein and the spinal cord at the base of the dragon’s skull. A bead of sweat fell down her face; quick and easy...release!
The poisoned arrows raced through the air and hissed. "Thwack, thwack!" An angry roar sounded the forest and then quickly hushed with a painful moan when the arrows found their target.
A feeling of relief flooded Raven’s mind, now to go get my arrows and my proof. She strapped her bow to her back and raced over to the fang dragon.
Once she reached the dragon’s corpse she checked for any sine it was still alive. Sweet! Deader than a door nail! Now I just have to return to Scurrile to get my bounty. Raven reached down, drew her dagger, and removed a talon off the dragon’s paw. She threw her head up when a hiss sounded behind her; Raven quickly wrapped the talon in red silk and tucked it in her quiver with her dagger still drawn.
When the hissed continued she wiped it through the grass to reveal a young midnight thief dragon. Raven rolled her eyes and sheathed the dagger, just a midnight dragon so no worries. She gave the dragon a quick glare for scaring her and raced off in the direction of Scurrile, the only sound made was her rapier and broad sword’s sheaths’ clanking together.
Raven yawned and stretched out from a long run when she reached the Dragon Inn. Home sweet home.... Blake better be here with the armor and coins... she tiredly climbed the stairs to the tree house styled bar and inn. Before entering she shrouded herself with a dark crimson robe with a black colored dragon curled up in the center of the back of the robe. She pushed the oak door and walked over to the main bar and sat down.
A lean, fair skinned, uniformed girl walked behind the counter, “What will it be stranger?” she asked with a perky, but polite voice.
“I’m fine, thank you.” Raven smiled politely dismissing her. The bar maid left carrying three large mugs of ale with a skipping pace.
Raven started to stand up to go stand at the outside balcony when a scruffy looking mage entered in the door. Everyone stopped and turned to see who disturbed their meals and drinks. He glided accost the floor with is onyx and amethyst robe flowing behind him and his semi long, golden blond hair hanging down the front of his shoulders. Blake sat down next to Raven, he snapped at the bar maid, “Elven ale, miss!”
“Blake... you’re late... as usual.” Raven complained playing with her dagger she had pulled out after he entered the door.
“That is so impolite to start a conversation like this!” Blake responded with an annoyingly playful tone. “I’ve got what you want so you have no reason to be so hostile.” he continued, drinking his ale. “Do you have the fang dragon’s talon?”
“Coins and armor first,” Raven icily glared when Blake stared at her with a confused look on his elvish face, she began to defend her self, “you’re a rouge mage! You could easily make sure that you get your silly trinket! But I want my things first.”
“Fine... fine, you’ll get your armor and coins, it’s in my home. Have a drink first at least! You’re elvish and human right? You should love drinks!”
The dragon stalker swore under her breath. “Yes and no, I hate drinks,” she sourly stated and headed for the door.
Blake caught a hold of the tail of her robe, “Wait I’ll be done in a moment.” He wrapped his gloved hand and wrist in the tail of her robe; he spun Raven into his lap then crossed her arms in front of her.
“Your little romances will not cancel out my dislike for you.” She tried to pull away from Blake.
“Well it could mend that little part of your heart you blame me for destroying... actually I want you to come to my home, the armor’s there.” He playfully retorted into her ear, he pulled her back into his lap.
“Right... and cats love baths. “ Raven mocked. “Let me-“she gasped as a small jagged edged spear was rammed into her back. She snarled as the pain raced up her back and through her arms; she panicked and raced for the door. Damn it! If I get to the door before the poison takes complete toll... I could... still have a chance...
Everyone was now aware of the situation between the Halflings; the bar maid ran to retrieve the keeper of the bar and inn.
The bar and inn keeper heavily stomped through the exit from the kitchen. He was extremely well built and was a perfect image of a wrestler in an apron. “What is going on!” he boomed hushing everyone, even the small children at the fire. “Who’s causing the ruckus?”
Raven heavily leaned on the door to the balcony for support, with a half asleep dazed expression on her face.
“Sorry about the ruckus,” Blake apologized carful not to insult or cause problems with the keeper. “We were having a little argument and she drank a little much... Elven ale is a little strong for her.”
“What’s your excuse!” the keeper bellowed to the staggering, poisoned, Raven.
Raven cockily replied by just sticking out her tongue.
Just Raven’s cocky reply was enough to turn the keeper into a furious fighter. He heavily darted from his post to Raven and threw her across the room like she was a one pound rag doll. She heavily crashed into the wall across the room, crashing into empty mugs, tables, and chairs. The maid flinched when she heard glass crash and crunch under Raven’s weight and her momentum.
Blade turned crimson red in anger and frustration, Bastered! How dare you hurt her, I’ll personally kick your sorry butt for this! “What was that for!” he crossly growled at the keeper.
“Being disrespectful.” The keeper coldly growled stomping over to Raven; Blake stood there confused on what to do.
Raven spit blood onto the floor staggering while trying to stay on her feet. “You... wanna fight... do yah?” she groggily questioned the towering keeper. He launched his knee into her gut and she re collapsed. I can’t take... much more... she wiped the blood from her face. “Die or live in pain?” She asked smirking, the inn keeper’s face grew grave and flushed as he heard her cold comment; she pulled her broad sword that was as tall as her and a foot thick. She launched forward slicing at the chest of the towering inn keeper, covering her sword in blood. He collapsed long enough for Raven to glide past with the tip of her sword dragging across the inn’s wood floor leaving a long, deep cut.
“You aren’t goin’ any where!” the bleeding keeper grabbed her boot and sent her tumbling across the floor. A loud crack sounded through the bar as she made contact with the oak door; the door began to split and bowed towards the balcony. Raven was out cold. A ferocious scream came from the keeper as he lifted up her broad sword and began swinging it towards her torso.
“Miss me?” Blake growled stopping the broad sword from continuing an inch deep gash in Raven’s shoulder or causes a mortal injury to her. The keeper threw a dagger at Blake’s chest aiming for his heart. The dagger struck painfully into his chest, just millimeters right of his heart. His heart skipped and he gasped for air. He grasped the dagger and he let loose an ebony fire ball from his right hand, the keeper flew back to the other side of the bar and fell into an unnatural sleep.
The bar maid sat on a bar stool and leaned backwards onto the bar table. “Please just go...” she quivered.
Blake stood up to his full height limped over to the shaking maid. “My apologies; here are a hundred coins for the damage and the ale,” he dropped a bag of coins on the bar table to the left of her. He saw her stare at the keeper in shock, “no worry, he’ll awake just fine, excluding those cuts, might wanna look at those.” He collapsed down to his knees and shakily pulled himself back up. He ripped the dagger out of his chest at a painful angle; he wiped the blood off onto a clean spot of his robe and dropped it onto the bar table. “Thanks for the party,” he groaned from the growing pain in his chest. He shambled over to Raven’s limp body and gently picked her up in her arms; he kissed her forehead and pushed back her bangs; let’s get you home tiger.
Blake wearily raced to his home still cradling Raven in his arms; way to much blood loss... I don’t know if we’ll make it... He ran into the tree that held his home in and fumbled for the rope. He gently put Raven on his shoulders and climbed up.
The second Blake made it to the balcony he collapsed, “Ha... no more rope...” he groaned. He picked up Raven in his arms and carried her into his house and laid her on a knee high metal table. “Well fix you and me up.” Blake pulled back his robed hood reviling his human face and blue eyes. He ripped a large piece of cloth off a blanket and stuffed it into his robe to stop the bleeding. “Now we need to fix the up the dragon girl...” he grabbed more cloth and tied it tightly to Raven’s shoulder.
Blake sunk heavily onto a large cushion, “That... was... way... to... close...” he gasped from the heavy feeling growing in his chest. Blackness consumed his consciousness and pulled him into a painful sleep.
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Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 5:44 pm
I'd hate to take up a few pages posting all my writings in your thread. sweatdrop I'm open to critiquing though. Just look for my username in the author column in this subforum. I have quite a few pieces here... sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:17 pm
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 9:34 pm
Critiques are welcome for MY story Dragon Passion in this subforum =3 It should be near the top after the stickys if you sort your stuff by recent =3 I have more chapters to come
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Posted: Sat Jan 09, 2010 6:28 pm
This is a poem I wrote recently that I would like critiqued. I don't care much for the title, but its all that I have presently. This is a sonnet (of sorts, it has a refrain):
"Time Pressed On"
Before, in our youth, there was a small spring.
It kept our friendship as it flowed between.
But time pressed on, that industrious thing,
And took that life away to depths unseen!
The chasm is spreading wider dear friend!
Desperation, in my heart, is sowing.
I call to you upon a listless wind,
“Can’t you see it? Don’t you see it’s growing?”
I see you less and less as time goes by;
I reach for you but you’re no longer there.
I build a bridge where the spring used to lie,
where it has left its bed so cracked and bare.
The chasm is spreading wider dear friend!
Desperation, in my heart, is sowing.
I call to you upon a swelling wind,
“Can’t you see it? Don’t you see it’s growing?”
What was a ditch now widens so much more.
The bridge, raised with such care, finally falls.
I watch as new interests crowd your shore
and, skilled brick-layers, they build the walls.
The chasm is spreading wider dear friend!
Desperation, in my heart, is sowing.
I call to you upon a roaring wind,
“Can’t you see it? Don’t you see it’s growing?”
I turn to see that I have also changed.
That field of blossoms, now a desert dry,
does not scare me. As if all were arranged,
and life just is, with no more need to cry.
The chasm has spread its widest friend.
The desperation in my heart has reaped.
I hear a voice within the shifting wind,
“Differing age is where the spring first seeped.”
No harm was meant. I know and understand.
Yes, time pressed on, that industrious thing.
It has made life again a thriving land,
and the winds of change give new cause to sing.
But know my love for you is just the same.
Open arms wait here if ever you came!
I have 2 more, but they're in the arena and are earlier-written sonnets...
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Posted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 9:03 pm
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