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 Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 7:15 pm
I'm confused because of the fact that I was considering myself straight up until I ended up in this triangle relationship involving myself (male as per avi), my girlfriend Nikki, and my -ahem-boyfriend Josh. I'm actually being honestly attracted to him but there are moments when I am completely turned off by the idea and I shove his attempts at kisses and touching to the side. I haven't been able to go all the way with him because of this as well and I just.
Can anyone help me come up with ideas on how to come to terms with such a sudden change?
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2009 2:54 am
Perhaps it is residual guilt from being raised to learn same-sex relationships are wrong?
If not... I wasn't raised thinking it was wrong, but when I first really considered that I was attracted to girls (about age 13 I think), the thought of certain things with them put me off. It was something I accepted in time.
Perhaps as you feel more comfortable with your boyfriend, things will improve? You should explain that some part of the 'guy' thing makes you uncomfortable and... if it goes on too long, I guess he could decide whether or not to stick with you (and at least he'll know the reason for your unenthusiasm).
I hope that was at least remotely helpful!
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2009 9:31 am
Yes. I am going to think on it more. Thanks for responding. heart
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 9:32 am
I have to say that I'm much of the same mind as Comrade Kotka. would highly recommend talking to Josh about it though, just so he knows what's going on and it's not that you don't like him or something just that you're having a while of personal confusion that isn't against him. Talking to him may also be able to afford you more time and support to working out your feelings, orientation and such.
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Posted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 9:12 am
Oh thank you for posting. I did talk to Josh about it to a degree, but maybe I should bring it up again and explain myself further. I am thankful for the consideration you both put into your responses...
^_^
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Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 5:43 am
I imagine that that kind of new experience takes a lot of work ... residual discomfort from conditioning or not.
You should really talk to the gay community about their experiences attempting bringing guys out of the closet... both the ones who were in the closet and the ones who weren't in the first place. All sorts of Drama and intricacies in the process.
According to some internet tests I'm about 35% inclined toward sexuality involving my own gender. I wouldn't mind being intimate with a man myself, and that potential may be in me, but I think that it would take no small amount of work getting over the awkwardness and begin to associate pleasure with experiences with males. I don't know... I should beseach the homosexual community for their wisdom on that, too confused (with a mule, of course lol )
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Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:41 pm
I was raised in a strict Catholic household, and while I always had a hard time believing that gays deserved to go to hell, and even though I'm very much not a Catholic now, I still have a slight twinge of guilt every time i see a beautiful female body (and sometimes even when I see a male body!). Really, just be patient with yourself, frustration will just make it worse. Keep being honest with Josh, so he doesn't feel rejected but understands your hesitation as well. If he's a keeper, he will understand wink .
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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 3:21 am
(you can ignore this post if you wish.. I'm just ranting at this point because I am very worried and don't want to resort to smoking or another vice to get over it)
It just doesn't help me in trying to fall in love with him, that he tends to be very aggravating to Nikki and it's to the point now that she's beginning to depend on cutting again for stress relief. Combined with the fact that I am not in the area usually and I've spent only two weeks there she's beginning to get apathetic and hopeless about the situation of me actually getting to get up there (though I'm not sure if she realizes that's the reason nor would she admit it).
I'll cut it there for now... I feel slightly better..
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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 5:04 am
To be blunt... I don't really understand trying to "fall in love"; why not just bond like guys normally do... and maybe allow your mutual interest to unfold other possibilities slowly and organically? Trying to "make it happen" seems a real recipe for disaster.
The other stuff reads much more complicated neutral
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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 5:14 am
Maarilat To be blunt... I don't really understand trying to "fall in love"; why not just bond like guys normally do... and maybe allow your mutual interest to unfold other possibilities slowly and organically? Trying to "make it happen" seems a real recipe for disaster. The other stuff reads much more complicated neutral Yeah the other bits were me just ranting/figuring things out.. I stand corrected on that point though, trying to fall in love purposefully doesn't ever end up working out... I am trying rreally hard not to blame Josh entirely for the fact that Nikki gets hurt. However I tend to get really angry when I hear that he has yelled at her, but at the same time Nikki is easily hurt by things. I am trying to spend a lot of energy figuring out what the issues are but I am unable to get either of them to open up enough for me to crack the issue wide open...
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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 5:29 am
Not my call, or really any of my business... but maybe instead of getting them to tell you what's what... you should be getting them to open up more totally to each other and for them to deal with their stuff more progressively? To them, any discontent or difficulty is between them... a third intervening could be complicating THEIR relationship, or it could be a good catalyst for them to talk about things more openly and honestly (something I personally consider a must in polyamory... or at least very very important)
Hmm... neuroses and fragility of that sort. Seems like it's perhaps good material for another thread. If brutal honesty is essential in Polyamory, then how do fragile or extremely sensitive people (especially to the point of cutting) manage in Polyamory? Ideas for helping those relationships work out and work through difficulties, and ways where the openness of Polyamory can be healing ...
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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 5:52 am
Yes. Thank you for this. My eyes are further opened now. I do also agree on creating a thread for that type of thing although to be honest, I have a way of wording things that leaves much to be desired from time to time. Especially when it's the beginning of a conversation, so me posting such a thread would guarantee it's continued silence. XD
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