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Okay, so. We all agree there are differences between being poly/open/swinger and cheating, yes? Yes, okay. One implies deception and breaking of rules, where the others imply honesty, openness, communication and the active setting of rules and boundaries to fit the relationship. Okay, that's fine, I understand. So we see how talking about cheaters is sort of off topic. So not, onto the rant part.

I disagree with the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater". It is not only false but insulting and enabling as well. People can change, no matter what they have done in the past things can change. Yes there are those who like cheating for the sake of cheating, yes there are those who take the perverse pleasure in pulling on over on someone else, the thrill of being sneaky and getting away with it, sure. But that's not fair to paint everyone who cheats under this same brush. Mistakes happen, people have lapses in judgment, ect.

By saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater' you are saying that the person can never change, if you've cheated once you are forever going to cheat on your partner(s) and there is nothing that can be done (no communication, no talking, no negotiation of rules, boundaries, no therapy, no introspection, to re-evaluation) that could ever change that. Yes some people don't change, but by in large the human condition is constantly in flux, thus things do change. By saying that no matter what people do a cheater will never change is an enabling statement, it is does not encourage or give the cheater any reason to change. In the end it can be a self-fulling prophecy of sorts. By saying there is nothing to be done that can change a person you're essentially giving them the go-ahead to continue their behaviour because 'there's nothing that can be done to change it once a cheater, always a cheater'. It normalizes and in an indirect way condones the behaviour. Might as well give up on them. So why should the cheater ever *bother* trying to change and correct their behaviour... if you're just going to forever condemn them anyway?

There is no attempt to fix it, to work through the issues that led up to the incident of cheating, no nothing because people continually spout this mentality that someone can't change. And this frustrates me! Why don't we just take this take on everything? Once a alcoholic, always an alcoholic (never mind that we have rehabilitation programs and AA and all that stuff?) Once a bad driver, always a bad driver (never mind courses that can help improve your skills and yes rehab driving centers who help those who lost their licenses). Once you argue about something in a relationship, you'll forever be arguing over the same thing (never mind that the people involved can communicate the issue and negotiate a situation that works best for all involved). That sort of mentality just cannot apply to everyone in a given group who have done a given thing. Yes some relationships always argue about the same thing over and over, yes some people never become good drivers, yes some people are always alcoholics, yes some people will always cheat... but that is hardly universal.

I guess it strikes a cord because I've heard this argument when it comes to abusive relationships as well. And while I disagree with cheating, abusive relationships and ect I don't agree that once it happens it can never change. My father was abusive when I was younger, both to my mom and to me and my siblings (a lot had to do with a bit of an alcohol problem and an inability to cope with situations). He and my mom divorced when I was younger but in the years since then he has changed. He has had a couple great relationships with good people who helped to turn him around, because of communication understanding and a willingness to work for change and believing that the change was possible.

I believe whole heartedly that people can change their behaviour, no matter what that behaviour was. Not believing in the possibility of change, giving up on the person (or people) who needs to change...only creates more of a problem because it is so enabling. I'm not saying that people should keep themselves in a dangerous situation, I'm not saying that people should always try to stick out with someone who has cheated on/abused them... but I am saying that I believe it would be better if people stopped thinking in terms of "once a ___, always a ___" because it isn't helpful to create change and just helps create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sorry for the slightly off-topic rant everyone. Just needed to get that out there. Because.. I suppose it's been bothering me a bit lately XD It's long and rambling, probably repetitive.

If anyone wants to contribute thoughts arugments comments...go for it XD

Some people really do cheat because they see no other healthy alternative to monoamory. A lot of poly people (including the Loving More publication) believe that if polyamory was more known and accepted cheating would be less accepted and less normalized in society. I find it sort of ironic that cheating as a whole is more accepted in practice than is polyamory or other non-monoamorous variants.

Bah.

It's being worked on. There are more and more mentions of it in the media these days so things are getting better. I'm glad I made the LD thread (continued to keep it up from the previous owner of the Poly 101 thread) because there have been a number of people who have told me that and I'm happy to spread the word even in such a small way.

Like other people, I totally agree.
It was a good rant. =)
One should never assume that people can't change or learn from their mistakes.
I think the issue of 'cheating' is still relevant to many people in alternative relationships because despite having different boundaries to monogamous relationships there still can be a breach of those boundaries. (eg. going off and sleeping with a random without protection and without telling your partner/s you did it might be cheating.)

I'd like to nitpick, if you don't mind. Chances are, the words "once a cheater, always a cheater" are said under very unhappy circumstances. It seems pretty obvious that such a rash statement is usually said by someone who's been cheated on or someone trying to comfort that traumatised person.

Part of me feels that these words are said and forgotten (or regretted) like one would when saying "I hate you!" to one's mother in the heat of the moment. The other part of me does not deny that the statement is starting to propagate to the point of discomfort and alteration of people's perspective on cheating.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm on the fence on this one.

I understand that you're frustrated, but it just seems that a moderate stance would be more effective in dispelling the myth of "once a cheater, always a cheater" rather than something that is one-sided.

Granted, the OP WAS a rant and there ARE a lot of unwarranted "debates" on the internet. Plus, I would consider this one to be rather mild. My advice is probably more useful if this rant ever turned into a full-fledge essay.