Coming out. (Share your stories?)

[Pom Graines]

Are you out to others? Friends, family, children, coworkers, ect? Why/why not?

Anyone have stories they'd like to share of coming out to others, if you are out? Anyone have difficulty knowing when/if they should come out and to whom and just want to talk about it?

Just discuss the subject of coming out in general. (Just trying to think of more topics of conversation for the board, perhaps get members participating).  

[magpye]

I'll share my sort-of coming out story!

Family:
First of all, they live in Michigan and I live in California, which makes things simpler because we see each other so rarely. They're very liberal in general. I think if I told them I was gay they would be like, "Great. Let's meet your girlfriend." But the non-monogamy thing is too out there for them, I guess. They are living in the Midwest.

I came out to my mother and she forgot. sweatdrop I don't know what to do with that, except to assume that she's not really ready to hear the idea.

I came out to my sister, and she got all condescending, started saying she was worried that my boyfriend would leave me for this other girl (Duh, that's the whole point: with non-monogamy you can have your cake and eat it too. Why would he throw out half his cake?). Then she wanted to know exactly how romantically/sexually involved I was with the girlfriend (hey, way too personal!), I guess because my relationship with this girl didn't count unless we were, I don't know, fisting each other or something. Argh. My sister takes any opportunity she can find to be condescending, so that complicates things with her a bit.

So now I don't talk to them about it. My boyfriend and I have been attached to another couple for the last two years; we moved to a town we don't really like just so we could be close to them. I talk about them all the time, but refer to them as our "friends". I think it's painfully obvious that more is going on there, but if my family wants to ignore it, I'll let them.

I've decided that I'll come out to them when they ask me about it, because that would show that they're ready to listen to the idea. But right now, it's like there is no space for it in their brains, so I just leave it alone.

Everybody else:
I don't hide it, but most of the time it's just irrelevant. If it's a professional relationship, I don't talk about my personal life anyway. I'm a fairly private person. It's not like I'm in the closet, I'm just not shouting about it all the time, because mostly people don't care. If it's someone I'm close to, they know.

I'd love to hear from others on this topic. More posts! heart



Update:
I came out to thousands of strangers, by marching behind the Polyamory banner in the Pride Parade in San Fransisco (2009). Wheee!  

[Pom Graines]

Thank you Magpye for the wonderful first post! I can't believe I didn't post here already with my story, I meant to right after I posted it XD Ah well...memory she slips somedays.

Anyways! To comment.... Magpye the way your sister reacted is exactly why I haven't told my sister yet, she has the same sort of thing going on with her, condescending and a touch too overprotective (I'm the youngest though, so go figure?)

Now more onto my stories:

Family
Only my mom really knows what's going on, though I have a feeling that my brother may know, or at least suspect something is up. Buuuut I think he may think I'm a lesbian rather than poly o.O (long story I suppose). But ANYways... my mom reacted with the typical shock and worry. She was perfectly fine with the concept when it was my brother and his 'two girlfriends' (it was a joke at the time but she was fine with it during conversation) and it was okay for anyone else as long as everyone is happy... but for her youngest daughter? Oooh no! I'm being corrupted, taken advantage of and otherwise abused by my boyfriend for getting me into this (where as I was more or less the one who brought it up with him and we've *never* been truly monogamous since we started dating). Since then and many talks and (I hope at least) some reading by her for materials I've given she's at least trying to pretend she's comfortable and supportive of it. But since I don't currently have another boyfriend or girlfriend she is subsequently ignoring it. Just as she kept ignoring and forgetting the fact that I'm bi and Pagan as well (which I've told her repeatedly since I was 14-15ish but she still acts surprised ever time).

My stepdad is a self professed redneck and I already know what he thinks of polyamory and open relationships in general (we have...interesting talks). He's an alright guy really, he's just really stubborn and rooted in his ways. He'd never say anything in mixed company and I suspect that if I came out to him he would just be more protective than normal and probably suspicious of Graverg and none too pleased. But he'd be civil at least, and polite. He won't agree with the lifestyle, but he'll accept it at least. But I'm not ready to tell him yet. I know he suspects something, but I think he may just be thinking me and Graverg swing or are plain open.

My brother may be the best out of the punch. He's really...alternative himself and all for diversity and freedom of choice and free-thinking and all that jazz. He's very against traditional society, he supports me being Pagan (though he doesn't quite understand it... he's a bit of a conspiracy nut so thinks differently about it at least) and I know he'd accept if I came out as bi. I think he knows a lot more about things than he lets on, but not as much as he thinks he does XD I may be coming out to him in...well shortly anyways.

Friends
Some know, some don't. Most have either been apprehensive, but fine in the end or just plain curious. A couple didn't even blink and act as though they knew all along, which... was surprising who that came from XD

In general
Idon't feel like telling certain people yet, but if I were to be asked directly (or even in a round about manner asking what's up with me and Graverg) I'd tell the truth. Recently I've made the promise to myself to live authentically and be upfront and honest. It's just a matter of timing or waiting for them to ask the right questions. Good thing about not having a job though: not having to worry about coworkers and worrying for my job (though I sometimes worry for Graverg's).

It probably won't be much of a seceret for long, as I'm planning on working with the diversity coordinator at my university to start working with the Rainbow Center to include resources, material, advocation and support for those in Poly/Open or otherwise "alternatve" relationships. So I plan to come out in general quite soon. We'll see how that goes, eh?

<3s  

[Devaldra]

I'm not out to my family. I'm not out about most things (transgender, gay, and boyfriend; only my mother and sister know about all three). My father I just have trust issues with, and then the rest of my family is rather biased about such things, or won't understand that two of those things (transgender and gay) are not "lifestyles" or "choices". :/ I've no intention to ever tell my family about any of those things; I intend to disappear off the map instead. Easier that way, I don't have to deal with the bitching, and harassment, and prayers for MAH SOUL, and all.

All of my friends know about me being transgender/gay and about my boyfriend, but only a few know about my polyamourous side. Like, around 4 people. I don't like bringing up such topics, randomly or even at all.  

[Huni-Sempai]

We (my hubby & I) are out to most of our friends.

We have had only one friend be weirded out about us, but he believes his future wife should be a virgin, and he still lives with his parents at the age of 38. All our other friends seem to be cool with it.

Our 13 year old daughter knows. She is smart as a whip and pretty much figured it out. She noticed that we aren't jealous type. That I would point out people that are hitting on my husband to him, because he never notices it himself. And joke about how oblivious he is in front of the kids.

Our family does not, and I'm pretty sure they don't want to know. They know we're weird but they have no clue how deep that weirdness goes, but they also know that we have an ideal family life. We are close to our kids and make sure family comes first.  

[LupineLeif]

I'm still very closed off regarding being out. There aren't many that know about my sexuality, let alone the poly relationship.

Family:

I had a hard time just telling my parents I was part of the Furry Fandom. They don't seem to have any suspicions of bisexuality or non-monogamy in my life, yet considering their backgrounds, it's probably best they don't know.

My mother, I can imagine, would be rather supportive. She loves me to death, but I suspect she would be suspicious of motives if I were to suddenly throw something like this on her. Despite the relationship being a choice made with the consent of me and my girlfriend and my sexuality being something... less a choice and more a development, I still suspect she would be rather confused.

My Step-Dad, on the other hand... well, to put his views and moral values into perspective, I'll just give you a quote from him (my apologies, this is slightly explicit):

"You can build a bridge and be a bridge-builder. You can build a thousand bridges and still be a bridge-builder. However if you suck one c**k, you'll always be a c**k-sucker, no matter what."

I'm worried he might even disown me if he suspected the slightest of me in that regard, so in order to preserve what semblance of a father-son bond we have, I think I'll keep this a secret from him for now.

Friends:

While I have yet to come out to any of my friends either, my girlfriend did come out to some of her friends (mutual friends of mine). I know for a fact at least one of them is bisexual and the other is one of the nicest people I know, so they were quite supportive of the concept of polyamory. If I remember correctly, all they did was make a few jokes about me potentially being in a relationship with her as well as a guy friend of mine (this friend is one of the "straightest" people I know, yet not homophobic despite this).

Beyond that:

I'm really not certain what I should do. I am currently comfortable keeping such things private, and perhaps as a minor still in the custody of his parents, I should, though I am wondering if it will create issues in the future. I'm especially worried about what may happen with such secretive information if my love and I are ever to find another partner. Whatever may happen, I hope for the best.  

[syborg5000]

Family:
I have only come out to my mother and my older sister. When I told my mom we were sitting on the front porch talking and I gradually led her into talking about dating. When I told her I was poly she was hesitant at first but as I explained she was more okay. By the end of our talk we was perfectly fine with it. She said "As long as you are happy."
My sister was another story. She and I are very close so I wanted her to be one of the first people I told. Her reaction was completely unexpected. I gradually led her into talking it with me and I finally told her. She was freaked out and she told me that was wrong and I should only love one person. I tried to explain to her but she wouldn't hear anymore from me. We haven't talked about it again.
Friends:
Most of my friends are poly and if they are not poly they are mostly gay, bi, lesbian, or open. They all understand what I was going through and they all understand how stressful it is to come out to those you care about so they were very accepting. I had almost no problem telling my friends. Some of them don't like the idea of polyamory but they accept that that is what I am.

I haven't told the rest of my family because I am scared of their reactions. if my sister reacted how she did and we are as close as we are then I don't want to find out what my the rest of my family will say. My family isn't exactly conservative or anything but . . . I guess I am just not ready yet.  

[Pom Graines]

Thanks everyone for sharing, this is both interestng and englightening to see people's choices on coming out. I'm sorry I hadn't commented before now on it!

Leif: With your step father I'm not really surprised that they wouldn't know. I'm sure your mom could wrap her head around it in time as she seems like a really reasonable person but... yeah. From what I know of your step dad I would really recommend staying in the closet until you can support yourself and don't have to depend on him anymore (should you ever decide to come out about it to the family) It's a difficult thing and I don't really like saying it and all... but just from what I know of him I could see it ending very badly for you sad Or at least deal with the relevation of information when it becomes relevant as well (such as if you or your girlfriend find another partner). I'm not usually for the secrecy thing but... when the truth coming out will harm you (mentally, emotionally maybe physically even) then I can understand keeping it to yourself. I wish I could know what to say about your family really...

Syborg: Once again, this sort of reaction sort of makes me hesitant to tell my sister because I'm sure she will react in a similar fashion. I'm sorry that she reacted taht way, perhaps in time she'll come to understand, or at least accept that it's not a horrible thing.

Again though it's nice to have supportive friends <3

I'm glad ot hear your friends are reacting fairly well though and being supportive! I didn't know about that and rock on :3  

[LupineLeif]

Mameoyashi

I wish I could know what to say about your family really...

I wish the same thing on an almost daily basis. I'll be fine, though. It's something to keep to myself for now; if and when the time comes, we shall see how it goes.

I do agree with your point on perhaps bringing it up when we find an additional partner. That would probably be the best way of going about such a revelation: when it actually becomes applicable.  

[jason22274]

Generallly speaking, I am out to all of my friends. I just don't make a big deal out of it, and they follow our lead. Had a pair of married friends who didn't take to it as well. Base problems was A) they were VERY possessive of each other, and B) on some level they were afraid we were going to try "converting" them. Bah! But eventually they relaxed and stop taking my perverted mind/jokes as flirts and just the bad humor it is.

It is difficult to come "out" with the majority of my family since we aren't on speaking terms for other reasons entirely. Me and my mom are still close though. She knows that I am in an "open" relationship, but she doesn't want too. So, it's one of those truths that remains unspoken between us. THat can be painful at times, like when me and my wife had found another to form a triad, but we could only refer to her as our roommate or our friend. sad

We recently had a funny moment with her when I made a comment to my wife about a cute girl (My wife being bi) and my mom going "Oh no, she only has eyes for my son and they love each other exclusively." Her way of trying to be funny (which it was) yet saying indirectly "Please don't throw it in my face that you #$%& around on each other." (She still can't see Poly as anything other than cheating.)

As for my wife's family, I leave it up to her on if they should know or not. So far that's been "not," but I can understand why. They would NOT react well. I don't want the drama they would raise about me corrupting their innoccent daughter/sister. Luckilly they are on the opposite coast from us now.  

[now is forever]

I came out to my mother, father and sister just in the last few weeks, as I just started being in a poly relationship with a married couple (I'm 21).

My mother... I don't see her a lot, and she and I were texting because her life was having some interesting turns. She told me all about how she was engaged to this man who lives in Utah right now with his Brazilian wife, but they're going to split up, or...something like that. Anyway, she was telling me she's not crazy, and I told her...honey, that's nothing. I told her my story, and not only was she accepting, but she said she was PROUD of me. She told me not to tell my grandmother...and that while my grandmother would see it as "What have I done wrong to make [me] like this"...my mother saw it as her having a daughter that is self-confident, self-assured, and who is confident enough to go for what she wants in life without letting others get in her way and without hurting anyone. I think my mother and I are a lot closer now that I've told her, actually... she feels a bit more like I'm "her" daughter. I guess I was too goody-two-shoes in her eyes before, since I never let her see who I really was, and I haven't lived with her since I was 13, so she didn't get a chance to see me grow and develop into the (open-minded, different) person that I am.

My father, who raised me from 13-18, didn't really seem shocked at all. He was a wild child and what might shock others don't throw him for a loop at all. He's also very open-minded and tolerant. He told me that I'm an adult and so long as I'm not hurting anyone or being hurt, he supports me completely, and is even willing to meet them!

My sister was cool with it...she said if it makes me happy, it makes her happy. smile She's 16.  

[Sparky the Panda]

I just came out to my mom. (Like, JUST NOW.) For the third time. I'm a pretty interesting person. Almost everything that could be different than the norm about me, is. I just like to be different and consciously and unconsciously strive for individuality. First I came out to her as bisexual three years ago. Then I came out as transgender about a year ago. Then just now I came out to her as polyamorous. Her reaction for all three accounts? "Well, love is love and whatever makes you happy makes me happy." I love my mom and have never felt better.

Most of my friends know about my bisexuality, all of my friends know about my transgender-ness, but only a few know about my polyamorousness. That's because I haven't known about it for long. I plan on slowly coming out to them because they are all strictly monogamous and don't understand anything other than that. Anyway, wish me luck.  

[Pom Graines]

Hm. Good luck Sparky and I'm really happy to see your mom be so understanding about everything. She rules :3  

[Sparky the Panda]

My mom is awesome. She understands that love is not something that should be limited. Just as long as I don't bring a gun slinging, weed smoking, jerk off, fugitive from the law home, she'll be happy. x3  

[Lavender Raiyne]

In general I've never really had to worry about coming out with anything since I am comfortable with letting people know, if they ask, or if it comes up in conversation. My husband also keeps no secrets so if I wasn't out before I'd definitely would be by now.
Family is a whole different scenario. I'm not sure how much they are aware of. I know I came out when I first started college and knew for sure I wasn't straight. It did not go over so well, but I also didn't pick the best way to go about coming out. They are a bit more open minded with my little sister being a lesbian though. I haven't told them about the poly relationship yet, but then again I also haven't seen them in three years and not sure if it will ever come up for them. They just started seeing legitimacy in my five year relationship with my husband, so I don't think I can tell them yet.