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Well since poly is big on ethical behavior I thought it would be a good idea to make a post on the general rules of conduct and etiquette in poly relations! We can share and share alike. I prefer to think of these as suggested guidelines for the most part although a few big no-nos (like no lying to your partners about other partners) certainly exist. I'm open to debate and disagreement too.


1. Safe sex! Testing yourself and your partners and/or using protection is not only ethical it's good etiquette and increases your chances of a long and happy sex life.

#3, don't gossip between partners about other partners. Gossip undermines all types of social groups.

That's a good one. From what I've heard and read that's something particularly important in these kinds of things...

People don't realize how separate confidences creates division like that. In the case of Poly relationships communicating one way with some people and another with others .... it's essentially promoting total open communication with one hand and defeating its purpose with the other at the same time.

You see the same things in pretty much all open-circle sorts of situations and societies... including covens and spiritual unions and such.

I guess you could include many different kinds of communication in that, gossip or not... to do something other than communicate totally and inclusively with everyone is essentially maintaining walls and that's essentially out of fear or other sorts of needs for control.

Communication though, it's a skill as much as a virtue... it can be hard to know how to judge somebody for not communicating as openly as they could or perhaps should.

Ethics are your own personal code of 'right and wrong' that you live by. Morals are the code of 'right and wrong' that OTHERS TELL YOU to live by. There is a difference. To me, morals make no sense. But, I'm an odd duck. smile

As for poly ethics, the main ones have really been stated already, though, I would add 1 thing:

Stop lying to yourself. Over the years I've learned that the biggest roadblock to successful poly relationships is people lying to themselves, and by extension, lying to their partners. A lot of the time without meaning any malice at all.

People have stopped doing the big, deep, soul-searching thinking before doing something important, or, they don't go deep enough. If even a whisper of you is not ok with it, don't say you are, and ignore that whisper. Let that whisper turn in to a solid voice, and raise your concerns. At the VERY least, if you aren't sure what that whisper is even saying yet, tell your partner(s) that there's something about whatever is going on that's not quite settled for you and you need some time to figure out what it is, put your finger on it. And ask them to not consider you 100% ok with it until you've got back to them.

Then soul search, REALLY soul search, find out what's wrong, and give THAT voice.

When people stop lying to themselves, and then to others, it works out a lot better. smile And for goodness sake, think before you speak!! mrgreen

If you're ok with your partner going out for the night with someone new, don't say "Do what you feel you need to, but remember what's important." That's passive-agressive, and tells them that you really aren't ok with it. If you aren't ok with it, then say "I'm not ok with it, but, I've put some thought in to it and here's what we can do to make it better...." and give suggestions.

If you really are ok with it, then tell them "Sure, go have fun, I'll be here when you get back honey."