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 Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 12:16 pm
Ok, this is something that has been bothering me. It was a concept brought up in the last post, but I didn't want to adress it too much for fear of getting off topic.
We have two people. Person A and Person B.
Person A and Person B both like each other, but Person B does not express their feelings to Person A or cites difficulty in doing so.
Now there are a lot of arguments as to why Person B doesn't express their feelings, but in my mind, none of those reasons are valid. Maybe I don't understand, but the lack of expression seems to me like the reason a relationship would fail in the first place.
Any thoughts on this?
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 1:56 pm
Hmmm wink Could this have something to do with what I said in your previous thread?
A little update: -Last date we went on he said I looked nice when I picked him up from work, no prompting. I teased him and asked who he was and what he did with my boyfriend. It was a small victory.
It's hard for me to understand the lack of expression because that's all I ever do- express. Let's face it, if you've been along the guild long enough and paid attention you've probably noticed that I have a bad habit of saying WHATEVER is on my mind without filter. I've had a bad case of verbal diarrhea since childhood that's never been cured.
For me I don't like the thought of my opinions or feelings not being expressed. In love, well I wasted too much time being the silent-pining-Eponine of a girl in high school. Also, I have a fear of losing someone I love without them knowing I love them--- so I help nullify this fear by letting those dear to me know whenever I can tell them.
For my boyfriend, he was raised on military bases most of his life- there was more of a focus on quiet, dignified, and orderly expression. My family, being a civilian, blue collar, and slavic family- we were pretty loud and open with our thoughts.
In my case I could really say it is either one thing or the other. I am the first really serious girlfriend Gerald's ever had, the first time he's been in love. In the past he was more interested in gaming than romance. So on one hand his lack of expression could be shielding himself. He may not want to show that he is vulnerable to me because he doesn't like knowing I have that sort of power over him (and sometimes when you're in love it's scary to know how someone can so easily make or break your day).
Or... maybe he's just honestly more interested in gaming than me. xp
Perhaps I could fashion a bikini out of table top gaming dice and magic the gathering cards? Make a Nightie out of a player's handbook for a World of Darkness game?
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 4:25 pm
AntoniaMerEnfant Make a Nightie out of a player's handbook for a World of Darkness game? ...That would be hot... O.O; Now to the subject at hand- There seems to be a lot of speculation going on between person A and person B. In my opinion-You will never know until you give it a try... You can speculate and think and wonder and run every possible scenario you can think of over and over in you head, and you can never say for sure if the outcome you think of will be the outcome you'll actually get until you give it a try. It's kinda' like saying what you would do if something were to happen to you-You're not gonna' know for sure how you yourself will react until it does happen to you. Relationships are HUGE risks. You're putting yourself out there for the other person to see with all of your faults and perks and everything else. Your laying yourself out on the line, almost completely vulnerable. There seems to be much much more to this situation, so maybe I'm only really scratching the surface with this response. Truth of the matter is, if you feel you're going to spend the entire relationship speculating and wondering and worrying, than yeah, it'll probably fail. But if both person A and person B are willing to work on the problem-Person B not being expressive enough-than give it a shot. But of course, this comes back to what I said in that other thread-Does Person B know that Person A has a problem with Person B's lack of expression? That's a pretty good starting point, I think. But don't damn something before it's even begun, really. Hell, it's better to look back at something and say that you regret doing it rather than looking back at something and saying that you regret NOT doing it, right? At least you learn from your experiences...
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 9:06 pm
Consider this: there are many nonverbal ways of expressing oneself. Is it merely a problem with verbal expression, or does it encompass all methods of expression? If the latter, it may be a problem. If the former, it is not. There were silent films for decades before there were talkies. Just as there are many ways of telling a story, there are many ways of expressing your feelings for somebody. In my daily life, socially, I'm the quiet type. You can say something as much as you want to, but it doesn't really mean anything if you don't show it to be true. I believe that little actions, doing things for each other without being asked, doing small things that show that you were thinking of the other person, doing things that show you pay attention are much more endearing, compelling and honest forms of expression than merely stating a feeling.
This response assumes quite a bit about the scenario you describe, but I stand by it.
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 2:59 am
Dafthank Maybe I don't understand, but the lack of expression seems to me like the reason a relationship would fail in the first place. Any thoughts on this? Been there, done that...still considering getting a T-shirt. I've dated a couple of "Bs" and I've met lots more - and avoided romace with them due to it. If they're not able to comunicate how they feel about me, I can't be bothered because I end up spending my time worring about if they like me or not. It causes me a LOT of heart ache. The last B I dated I'm still in contact with - his lack of emotion/expression towards me was definitely the thing that broke us up. So, while he might still ask me out now and then, it's never going to happen (becuase I say "no" each time). Why? He's 38. He's not going to change. It's a pity, because other than that, he'd be a great catch!
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 1:07 pm
My problem is this. If you know that the feelings are going to be reciprocated, then what is person B worried about.
If you asked me to borrow money, said that you'd pay me back tomorrow, and I know you get paid tomorrow, and know you well enough as a person, then I wouldn't worry about it.
Same principle applies here. If I knew a girl liked me, then what fear would I have doing or saying nice things knowing ahead of time that she was going to appreciate or reciprocate?
I disagree with sheboygan though. I'll take note of the point that it is important, but by no means is it a substitute. I could do all sorts of things for a girl to show her that I think she's pretty, but nothing really beats hearing the words. Think about it in school terms: which meant more? Getting the A on the test, or having someone look over your test at the grade and say "wow, you're smart!"? As much as we'd like to say the first, the fact that someone recognizes what we are and what we have done always makes people feel better.
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 8:07 pm
If you're talking about two people who are not yet in a relationship, then certainly some verbal expression could be expected. As for two people who are already in a relationship, though, I stand by my previous post. Not meaning to offend or insult anybody, I think that the desire to specifically hear the words is more about personal validation than about having a close relationship. I also think that too much repetition of words of love, soft and tender, can cheapen the power and meaning behind them. It's like repeating a lie over and over again until you believe it. On the other hand, repetition does not necessarily imply duplicity or falsehood. It could also be like a mantra, or like a reassuring truth that brings comfort.
These are just my opinions. The very fact that there are differing viewpoints on this shows that people communicate differently. In matters like this, neither opinion is right nor wrong. The ways in which we communicate with each other are just another part of compatibility.
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 1:20 pm
i grew up in a family environment where it was okay to show emotion, though i tend to have a hard time doing so. i've always been that way, and i feel foolish for it. i've ended up turning away many different girls because of my inability to show what i feel. even now, in a relationship that has lasted over 4 years, i find myself having a hard time telling melissa how i feel. i've managed to leard how to show it, but saying it is a different matter. i guess it goes back to my thought that the english language and i seldom get along. perhaps i should write a love letter in sanskrit....
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