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 Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 5:20 pm
A huge issue keeps coming up between me and my beau: I won't let him spoil me. I don't let him take me out shopping. And I'd rather make something and eat in with a movie then have him take me out to dinner and a movie. I don't mind a dinner and a movie sometimes, but he doesn't need to do it all the time. And it really bugs me that he won't let me pay for anything! But if I try getting him anything he gets all butthurt. Except when I bake or cook something special for him...that he loves. I sent him a package while I was on deployment and he told me not to do it again, but then is -ALWAYS- sending me these huge care packages! I don't need big things or lots of things, I just want to hang out and enjoy each other ;_;
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 7:32 am
The answer to the title of the thread: No.
Everyone has something that is important to them in a relationship. If fancy dinners aren't your thing, there's nothing wrong with that. Do you think that the root of his protest is a more traditional mindset? Or do you make less money than him (in which case he might want to pay for things for you because he knows he makes more)? And sometimes guys have it in their head to "spoil a girl".
I guess if he protests too much you could threaten him with playing J. Lo's "My Love don't cost a thing"
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 12:14 pm
oh, that´s hard. my boyfriend did the same at the beginning of our relationship, at this point he was very "traditional". i told him the i don´t feel comfortabel if he does it and that we are in another cenury, he needen´t to show me anything. well he understanded me after we changed the roles for a while.
i can just tell you talk to him and as AntoniaMerEnfant sadi find out the reason he does it.
be carefull about the Valentien´s day, i got expensive emblazonment because i forget to give him the hint that i like flowers or just a little chockolate. this year i told him that the best gifts are selfmade. hope he understands..
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 1:53 pm
I remember having this issue when my b/f and I started dating.
He felt he *needed* to get me things and call me everyday and whatnot. In fact, I almost broke up with him because of it sweatdrop
It was uncomfortable taking expensive gifts and feeling helpless like I couldn't really buy anything. But then I met his family. He grew up in a household of women. His mom, aunts and sister all ragged on him to do the things he had been doing. But, after talking about it, I told him to put me on the back burner, relax and chill out. A relationship shouldn't be about work... Just fun.
And to be sure I got my point across, I just threatened him with physical violence 3nodding
Over the years, we've kinda' developed this whole, "shut up, I'm getting it for you" type philosophy with gifts. But then again, we're both pretty easily entertained and we usually only really like the little, simple things in life ^.^
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 7:39 pm
We've been dating for 2 years, so it's not that new love syndrome. A great example would be, when my mother wanted me to drive up to his place with her so she could A) meet him, and B) spend more time with me before I went back to my ship, I forgot my wallet at home with all my cash and cards so she couldn't have gas money home. He gave her 200 dollars and STILL will not let me pay him back...and that was when we were almost a year together. I've asked him before and he won't give me an honest answer, he just shakes it off. Grrrr...he's a great and wonderful guy though.. but thank you very much for the input n.n
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 1:56 pm
Well... Maybe he feels kind of intimidated by you being in the service?
Maybe part of him feels emasculated and he's kind of overcompensating for it??
I recall a friend of mine who had a girlfriend who was in the army and he felt that way for the longest time before he joined himself...
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 4:49 pm
and now for a guy's point of view.
i can tell you now that i love giving my fiancee gifts, and feel like i don't deserve getting them in return. a large part of this is due to the "gentleman code". we feel that we are supposed to shower a woman with gifts and certain other aspects, such as taking women out to dinner. most of us who tend to do this have had it ingrained into us at a young age to act this way. don't blame your boyfriend for being like this, he feels that he is supposed to act that way. i know i did it constantly in the first couple years of my relationship. after awhile, my fiancee told me to not spend as much money on her, and to stop taking her to places like the olive garden and red lobster all the time. she's just as content with going to places like eat n park and footing half the bill, if not all of it. this valentine's day, we're probably going to do something fairly cheap since i've been laid off. i don't like that idea, but times like these make it hard to do much else.
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 8:58 pm
It's always kind of hard when you want to give things and not expect anything in return. I'm dealing with something fairly close to this myself.
I just got back from a long weekend trip to Florida where I picked up most of my belonging to move back to Ohio (yup it's been over an year and I finally have my things). My boyfriend was invited and planning had begun a few months before. About three weeks ago we still didn't have any difiniative plans when he told me to not worry about it, that he would take care of renting a car. Guess what...he's not going to let me pay him back for renting this car for five days. We did manage to cut a deal where I paid for the gas. He's always buying me things. I mentioned to him that I like the thought but he doesn't have to do these things. So far I've worked him down to a few mix cd's every so often and us taking turns paying for dinner.
He seems to be a really sweet guy to just drop $200 on your mom like that and not expect anything in return. Have you tried to turn the tables on him? I know it sounds a bit underhanded but maybe he needs to see what it feels like himself.
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 9:05 pm
Noirkaze It's always kind of hard when you want to give things and not expect anything in return. I'm dealing with something fairly close to this myself. I just got back from a long weekend trip to Florida where I picked up most of my belonging to move back to Ohio (yup it's been over an year and I finally have my things). My boyfriend was invited and planning had begun a few months before. About three weeks ago we still didn't have any difiniative plans when he told me to not worry about it, that he would take care of renting a car. Guess what...he's not going to let me pay him back for renting this car for five days. We did manage to cut a deal where I paid for the gas. He's always buying me things. I mentioned to him that I like the thought but he doesn't have to do these things. So far I've worked him down to a few mix cd's every so often and us taking turns paying for dinner. He seems to be a really sweet guy to just drop $200 on your mom like that and not expect anything in return. Have you tried to turn the tables on him? I know it sounds a bit underhanded but maybe he needs to see what it feels like himself.
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 9:08 pm
Mercenaryx2070 Well... Maybe he feels kind of intimidated by you being in the service? Maybe part of him feels emasculated and he's kind of overcompensating for it?? I recall a friend of mine who had a girlfriend who was in the army and he felt that way for the longest time before he joined himself...
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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 3:28 pm
When it comes to relationship it just depends how you are raise, life experince especially with ex's, etc.. some men and women like women/men that's independent and do things for themselves that way they keep their money and once married you have your things he has his (it just depends your understanding on the relationship it's like a business deal, communication has a lot to do with it). Some men and women are old fashion, man bring home the beef women take care of everything including house chores, while man is still sweet to the woman. Some like it a mixture of both, but like I said you should communicate with your other half but then that's why they created prenup before marraige xd (because once marraige comes to that it just screams I have a lot of trust in you xp whee rolleyes ).... Besides this way by communicating to each other you actually know each other, communication is a key to any great relationship.
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Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 9:39 pm
First of all, do you have a sister? wink
I look at it like this, maintenance, regardless of the level, is based on money and time. Without either, you can't maintain anything, right? High maintenance girls are individuals that spend a lot of money and time on themselves, and expect others to do the same. However, I think time and money are dependent variables, and as one goes up, the other can go down to acheive a balance of high or low maintenance. That's why the two classic examples of high maintenance are the hot girl with the bitchy attitude (spends more money on fixing appearance and self, and less time on fixing personality and attitude) and the needy girl (spends less money on developing independency, and more time on self/wants others to do the same.)
If there's a healthy balance between time and money, I don't think it means you're high maintenance or low maintenance; I think it means that you have a healthy maintenance and high self worth so that you don't need one to compensate for the other. I think a lot of girls (or guys for that matter) don't understand that.
However, if you do have an attractive friend/relative needing help to understand that, I'm more than happy to help...over coffee... wink
So totally joking about that by the way. sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 8:35 pm
Maybe he's just one of those guys who has a more 'traditional' view of relationships. Perhaps he likes to feel as if he can do for you and you don't have to worry about anything.
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:13 pm
Perhaps he's worried that he'll lose your interest and so tries to impress you all the time? I don't know. He's probably doing it genuinely out of caring, I bet. It's a matter of how people spend their money...people generally spend money on things they enjoy, and one of my guy friends once explained that it made him very happy to spend money on his lady, so why spend it anywhere else?
I had to explain to my boyfriend the concept of maybe making one nice, really thoughtful gesture in terms of gifts rather than an overwhelming amount of things...having grown up in a pretty low-income situation, it makes me uncomfortable to be really showered with gifts. I think he was fine with this, though, because we're both a little penny-pinching. rofl
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