Original article: http://touregypt.net/teblog/luxornews/?p=762

Happy April Fools from EEF

Welcome to another installment of my annual report on Egypt activities. Every year just when I think it is getting harder to find out what really is going on in Egyptology, I uncovered the sordid truth which I pass on to you.

In a change of pace from regular years, this reporter actually has some real news: British author Lindsey Davis, in a personal communication with this reporter, has acknowledged that the next installment of her popular Didius Falco/Roman mysteries will be set in Egypt. While she did not disclose the plot, this reporter urged her to include copious references to Hibis Temple in Kharga Oasis. She demurred, but accepted a translation of the famous Tiberius Julius Alexander graffito as potential background material. One always has to put in a plug for one’s favorite site.

News from Kharga Oasis was surpassed by news from Dakhla Oasis with the announcement that the SCA was reopening the tombs of Petosiris at el-Muzzawaka. The SCA has finished coating the fragile walls of the tomb with guaranteed “never to fade”, low maintenance, dust collecting, semi-translucent plexiglass. Mustafa Muhammed, chief of the SCA plastics division, was heard to say: “We followed the lead of the city of New York and its successful maintenance of Cleopatra’s Needle in Central Park. Look at what a nice job they have done.”

After last year’s scare that the pyramids were constructed by cement, I was relieved to be able to attend the opening of the historical drama / movie 10,000 BC in which I learned that the pyramids were actually built by slave labor, using partially de-tusked wooly mammoths, dragging blocks up the side of the pyramid using a single ramp. Mark Lehner, who ought to have been the technical consultant, when contacted about this surprising revelation was speechless. Personally this reporter wants you to know that I believed everything in the drama until the giant, attack ostriches saved the hero. That needed a bit more research I think.

Here in the States while the TV and Motion Picture writers were on strike, there was a threat that the American public would go catatonic from watching reruns because the Emmys, Oscars, and other well known award shows were not going to happen. In light of this I prepared a listing of notable awards in the Egyptological world, but then the writers went back to work. I still want to make these award presentations in Cairo in the near future:

The “Bad Taste (literally and figuratively) in Egyptomania Award” goes to the Washington Post for hosting the “Tomb of Peepankhamun” entry to its annual journalism contest. A bit tacky, but cute.

The “Bad Taste in Scientific Interpretation Award” goes to the Italian team who found an ancient Egyptian bowling alley. As a sometime afficionado of the kegler sport, I found their interpretation a bit far-fetched. Noted American Robert “Dr Bob” Bianchi later disputed this by saying the oldest and most popular sport was billiards. My preference was pocket pool, but who can argue with Dr Bob.

The “Bad Taste in Extra-governmental Interference Award” goes to Zahi Hawass for his demanding that the Swiss remove offensive photographs showing dead gamoozas in Egyptian canals next to people washing their clothes from an exhibit near the site of a new exhibit of Egyptian antiquities. What this industrious reporter has learned is that these photographs had been placed on exhibit because ZH had earlier complained that the photographs of Swiss chocolate bars was too commercial and something more realistic was needed. Some exhibition organizers just can’t win.

The “I Wonder What Planet He Came From Award” goes to the British rape suspect who claimed that he had “taken over the persona of the god Min, the Egyptian god of fertility and sexuality.” Crown prosecutors termed the defense “bizarre.”

The “Best Misspelled Sign In Egypt Award” goes to the sign near the road leading to the Valley of the Kings saying “Sperm Council of Antiquities.”

The “Bad Taste in Mummy Reporting Award” goes to the reporter letting us know that King Tut’s p***s is missing. “As for his p***s, if it was not ground down by local robbers to use as primitive Viagra, perhaps it was stolen by a soldier as a memento of his war years in the desert.” Need I say more?

The “Bad Taste in Being the First to Do Something Award” goes to the R. Friedman article which states “Hierakonpolis is a site famous for its many ‘firsts,’ so many, in fact, it is not easy to keep track of them all. So we are grateful(?) to Max Brooks for bringing to our attention that the site can also claim the title to the earliest recorded zombie attack in history. In his magisterial tome, The Zombie Survival Guide (2003), he informs us that in 1892, a British dig at Hierakonpolis unearthed a nondescript tomb containing a partially decomposed body, whose brain had been infected with the virus (Solanum) that turns people into zombies. In addition, thousands of scratch marks adorned every surface of the tomb, as if the corpse had tried to claw its way out!”

The “Bad Taste in Useless Governmental Action Award” goes to the Egyptian parliament for copyrighting the pyramids. The SCA stated it was being done to “counteract Chinese corruption,” a.k.a. the production of fake pyramids for sale to tourists undercutting local Egyptian producers.

The “Bad Taste in Exodus Stories Award” goes to the Israeli researcher Benny Shanon. Shanon claims that high (literally and figuratively) on Mount Sinai, Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments, in a recently published study. Such mind-altering substances formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times, Shanon, a professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, wrote in the Time and Mind journal of philosophy.

The “I Missed the Boat But It Still Needs To Be Done for Press Possibilities Award” goes to Suzanne Mubarak for arranging for the Fayoum to be designated as a Whale Nature Preserve by UNESCO (would I make this up?). I think the whales are already dead, but they still need to be preserved.

The “Bad Taste in 1st Person Reporting Award” goes to Aramco Saudi Magazine for its first person narrative of the Sety I obelisk. Can one say pointedly tacky.

The “George Bush Memorial Award for Verbal Obfuscation” goes this year to Zahi Hawass when he stated: “Egyptians are not Arabs and are not Africans despite the fact that Egypt is in Africa.” ZH was responding to reporters questions concerning whether King Tut was black.

The “I Wish I Had His Job Award” goes to Alaa Mahrous, director of the SCA underwater antiquities department in Alexandria. Mahrous is going to be surveying the Nile for shipwrecks containing lost antiquities. This intrepid reporter has learned he will be using an impounded tourist cruise ship to maintain his team while they cruise the Nile.

The “Stay Away From Those Mushrooms Award” goes to Czech
artist Veronika Bromová for her exhibition of Egyptian inspired psychedelic handbags. Inspired(?) during a 2003 visit to the temple of Hathor at Dendera, she saw Hathor holding an amphora like object that reminded her of a lady’s handbag with mushrooms tumbling out. No plans yet are in store for her exhibition entitled “HaHathor Handbag” to travel to other locations.

There is bad news for the Egypt First society. Based upon new scientific interpretations and data, scientists (unnamed to protect their identity) report that the Amazon is actually the longest river in the world beating the Nile by 3 meters. The International Association of Egyptologists issued a statement decrying this news and lamented that Egyptologists around the world were now going to be forced to change their lectures to include this new bit of trivia. It is reported that Egyptology journals around the world were going to be delayed in publishing their next issues while editors figured out what to do.

There has been much news this year about the SCA request to the German government to hand over the bust of Nefertiti. After much diplomatic haggling the intergovernmental request was ironed out. The Berlin Museum will “loan” the bust of Nefertiti to the Egyptian government for the opening of the GEM (a.k.a. new Cairo Museum) in 2041. The Egyptian government will provide the same army escort for the bust of Nefertiti that they provided for the now missing colossus of Ramses II (formerly in Ramses Square). In addition, the SCA will direct that Zahi Hawass will move to Berlin at his retirement which will provide a significant boost to the GNP of the struggling German economy.

This summer the SCA will announce the grand opening of the new rest house in the Valley of the Kings. While the facility has been open for some time already, what will be new will be the carved facade scenes on the front pylon showing Zahi Hawass smiting the heads of all of the foreign expedition leaders. Scheduled to be included amongst the smitten were Lorelei Corcoran, Otto Schaden, Ted Brock and Ray Johnson. Behind the smitten were to be figures of Ali “The Knife” Asfar and Sabry “The Mummy” Abdel Aziz sweeping up the booty droped by the smitten. This reporter has now learned that the heads of other American expeditions are complaining that they were not included amongst the chosen few. Team leaders from Brooklyn, Johns Hopkins, NYU, Penn State, and the College of Charleston all protested. Noted Demotic Scholars Eugene Cruz-Uribe and Stephen Vinson, who just finished a project in the Valley of the Kings, were not amongst the complainers. When contacted Vinson was quoted as perhaps saying, “there’s not much money in Demotic studies, so we are always ignored by the mucky-mucks.”

There was a report that the SCA was planning a major refurbishing of the boat museum next to the Great Pyramid at Giza. It seems that harmful ultraviolet rays (that’s UVA and UVA to the uninitiated) are causing significant damage to the fragile solar boat. The SCA announced that they had made a deal with the sunglass manufacturers Rayban and Foster Grant to assist in the project. Mustafa Muhammed, SCA liaison for corporate marketing, stated in an interview, “the Rayban and Foster Grant corporations will provide both a healthy grant for research as well as construct a giant pair of sun glasses that will fit over the bow of the boat. Everyone will now be happy.”

Mark Nelson of Monash University concluded an extensive study of the Curse of Tutankhamun. He says it doesn’t exist. The only good aspect of the study was the final sentence: “I found no evidence for its existence. Perhaps finally it, like the tragic boy king Tutankhamun, may be put to rest.” This reporter disagrees. Look what has happened this year alone: Zahi Hawass is almost bonked by a falling stone. Lorelei Corcoran had emergency heart surgery (we hear she is doing
fine) and just a few weeks ago Otto Schaden announced that the return of the expedition to KV63 will be delayed due to health issues. It is rumored that Earl Ertman, the sole healthy member of the KV63 team, was turned down for a new life insurance policy from Shark Insurance of Cairo. Ertman said “they invoked their Tut’s Curse clause in denying me coverage.” So I guess Mr Nelson is mistaken after all.

In further Curse News: George Reginald Oliver Molyneux Herbert, the 8th Earl of Carnarvon, aged 51, has become the first member of his family to step inside the tomb of Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamun, 85 years after his great-grandfather George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert, the 5th Earl of Carnarvon (1866 -1923), discovered it. The press is now on the Carnarvon watch to see if the curse will strike again. Rumors that Lord Carnarvon Jr. was suffering from a case of “Tut’s curse” on his luxury cruise boat, the Sun Boat XVII, were not confirmed at press time.

In a press report it was learned that “A pea, thought to be from the gardens at Highclere Castle, and originating from the tomb of Tutankhamun, has been saved from extinction (…) by Garden Organic, a charitable organization dedicated to organic gardening.” There are all sorts of possibilities of making bad puns here, but I will resist.

With the CT Scan of the mummy in the Bolton Museum, Egyptology has hit a milestone with the 10,000th mummy scanned within the last decade. Hopefully no one notices that this has driven up the costs of CT scans for the living. Mustafa Muhammed, SCA liaison for mummy affairs, stated, “Hospitals love doing this for free, because the mummy doesn’t move around like living people so the procedure takes less time.”

The Spanish expedition in Egypt reported that they had discovered a tomb of a MK soldier. Zahi Hawass was most pleased stating: “He was fighting in the army or something like that … there were many fighters joining the king, and this could be one of them.” Later, when he was informed that the soldier was part of the Nubian mafia, ZH declared that the Spanish team was persona non grata for not promoting the nice nature of the ancient Egyptians. For his actions ZH was awarded the Gold Medal of the Royal Band by the government of the Spanish province of Ourense.

D. Wildung, eminent German Egyptologist, recently announced that Nefertiti’s bust shows wrinkles from aging. He plans on performing major conservation work sponsored by Oil of Olay.

Based upon a misunderstanding Mustafa Mohammed, director of publicity for the SCA, was removed from his position today. It appears that he overheard a conversation of Zahi Hawass stating he was going to “unlock the secrets of the great pyramid.” On his own initiative Mr Mohammed quickly summoned the best locksmith in all of Cairo, his nephew, Zaghloul Mustafa Mohammed. When the pair entered ZH’s office, the director of the SCA was outraged and fired Mr Mohammed on the spot. It seems the ZH’s nephew, Harim Karim Hawass (a.k.a. Hari Cari), also a locksmith, was on his way to Giza to do the job. Calls to confirm this report to the director’s office were not answered.

Zahi Hawass announced the latest results from the latest CT scan of Tutankhamun. It seems Tutankhamun died from complications from a broken leg suffered during a winter hunting accident. Rumor has it that two unnamed teenagers in an oncoming chariot skidded on an iced covered road and broad sided Tut’s chariot sending it into the canal. The youths were questioned by the local Medjay and turned over to their parents until the Medjay traffic court in Memphis convenes.

This year marked the publication of the 500th volume of Egyptian biographies with the noted British Egyptologist Joyce Tyldesley’s study of Hatschepsut. Tyldesley acknowledges that many people today still prefer to think her subject looked like Elizabeth Taylor. But we should remember that “hidden beneath the glitter and the wigs lie issues of censorship and political correctness, and disturbing messages about colonialism, racism, motherhood and the rights of women to their own sexuality.”

In a rare move Zahi Hawass has inflicted the worst punishment on the head of a foreign expedition within his power. Barry Kemp, leader of the Amarna Research Conglomerate, reported that the death rates amongst the locals at Amarna were extremely high with many dying in their 20s. ZH felt this was a distortion of the wonderful life lived by the residents of the city of Amarna. In punishment Prof. Kemp will be giving the April 1 lecture at the SCA headquarters in Zamalek.

Well that’s all for this year’s assemblage of news from Egypt. Please keep those anonymous tips coming in and have a happy April Fools Day!!

Eugene Cruz-Uribe
erstwhile reporter

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 at 10:56 am and is filed under Jane Akshar.