Vaginal Size, Stretchiness, and Pain During Insertion/Sex

[LorienLlewellyn]

Let's let this be the last word on "worn out" vaginas, shall we?

"Anonymous asks:

I've heard several people on this site explain the issue of a male's p***s size as it relates to pleasure to a female's v****a and Heather said once that the thicker the size the more sensation one will feel. The thing is that no one ever said that size truly matters everyone including Heather says it does not. So I have a question just to see if I'm hearing and understand you correct.

My boyfriend is lets say, for argument's sake, 4 inches long and 1 inch wide and when he's in I feel nothing, but my first lover was 8 inches long and 3 inches wide: you're saying he did not make it too big for my current boyfriend to give me or for himself to get good sensations? Your saying that if it was in reverse, that my first lover had the 4 inch by 1 inch p***s, and I was fully lubricated my first time with him I still would have felt nothing then also? If that is what your saying then is it true that the women in adult fims who have sometimes hundreds of partners could get and give a man that has s 3 inch by 1 inch p***s the same sensations that a virgin or a non virgin that has had only 1 partner could, assuming they both were willing and aroused fully and lubricated enough?

Heather Corinna replies:

Oooooooooookay.

Let's try to go ahead and unpack all of this, once and for all.

First things first: the v****a is a muscle. It's not some flippety-floppedy passive tube, nor is it tissue like your skin. It's muscle, like the muscles of your arms, legs or tongue. When we put something inside of it, it constricts to hold what is inside of it. When we remove whatever that is, within a relatively short time -- and I don't mean weeks or months, I mean hours -- it'll go right back to the state it was in before that something was inside. When there is nothing inside the v****a, it doesn't hang open: its walls collapse against themselves. If they did not, we'd all be walking around with constant genital infections. Goodness knows what we'd find in our vaginas at the end of a day at the beach!

Certainly, not every woman (or person, of any gender and kind of genitals) has the same body composition per genetics, so are not all born with the exact same layout and size when it comes to our vaginas, but there's hardly a huge range. There is a far larger range of "resting" p***s sizes than there are resting vaginal "sizes," similarly to how there are a LOT of different shoe sizes, but only a few sizes of socks (and for similar reasons: socks and vaginas are way more stretchy and flexible than penises or shoes).

Can some things change -- permanently -- the width of the v****a? A couple. (Kind of.) With age -- not sexual experience -- that muscle tone can decrease slightly, but not usually dramatically, especially before menopause. Women at 40 who have had plenty of sexual partners can generally use the same tampon sizes they used before, as a reference point, but they might use a slightly larger size than they did, say, at the start of puberty, though part of that isn't changes to the muscle with age so much as simply being less tense about putting things in the v****a, or about not having a partial hymen anymore. But if what you were suggesting were so, then women with a lot of partners in their lives for vaginal intercourse would have tampons just falling out on the floor from their vaginas all the time.

That doesn't happen.

It doesn't because, again, the v****a is a muscle that strongly holds what is within it. Even for those older, or post-childbirth, who do often find they experience some changes in muscle tone, as is the case with any other kind of muscle, just working that muscle (such as with exercises called kegels) will often vastly improve that.

For adult film performers, or any other woman who has had many partners, again, this really isn't going to change anything in terms of how intercourse feels for either partner or in terms of how large or wide the vaginal canal is in any permanent way. Age can impact that, and often enough, so can childbirth, but even then, again, we are not talking (most of the time) about a radical change, but about a subtle one.

It might also be helpful to you to know that menstrual cups -- also held in place by the vaginal walls -- only come in TWO sizes that fit nearly all women. A size to be used by those under 35 or before childbirth, and another to be used by those over 35 or after childbirth. Two sizes, that's it.

I'm sure I've explained this to you before, but just in case I have not, don't forget that temporarily, when you become sexually aroused, the v****a and the vaginal opening DO relax and loosen, and do widen. Oddly enough, though, in other ways, that area can get puffier and a little more constricted because of a lot of arousal. But neither are permanent: when you're not aroused anymore, your v****a and vulva will look the same as they did before.

Long story short? Intercourse cannot change the geography or function of the vaginal canal, no matter the size of someone's p***s.

All that said...

That doesn't mean that intercourse is going to feel exactly the same with every partner, for men or women. It won't even feel the exact same with any ONE partner all the time, or even throughout a single act of intercourse -- for instance, it's normal to have it all feel tighter right at the start of intercourse, before we get more and more aroused.

Unlike vaginas, the size of a man's p***s isn't as adaptable and changeable. Certainly, a guy can have a harder or less hard erection at times, but his p***s basically has two sizes that are pretty much static once he's an adult: the size he is flaccid (unerect) and the size he is erect. The v****a conforms to the shape and size of whatever is in side of it, so you can see how that's pretty different.

The average length of a grown male p***s is around five and a half inches, and the average width (the measurement around the p***s) is around four and a half inches. A four inch p***s lengthwise is below average, but it's still within the arena of normal. A p***s which is only one inch in width would be very unusual and far below what's average with width. If, perchance, by width you mean distance across, then that's getting closer to the average, but three inches ACROSS would be way above average, and highly unusual. I get the feeling that your idea of the range of p***s sizes either isn't realistic, or that you're perhaps misunderstanding what width is, or estimating width by sight poorly. If you had a male partner whose width around was only an inch, it'd be no wonder it was difficult to feel any or much sensation during intercourse, just like you're not likely to feel a whole lot from using a tampon once it's in. Either example you've given here with the two penises, actually, are of widths which are smaller than average.

Too, there's a lot more to the sensations of intercourse than just a size "match." The vaginal canal, once you get past the first 1/3 of it, actually isn't at all sensitive to fine touch, or surface sensations. Instead, the way it's sensitive is due to fullness and pressure, pressure put on what surrounds the vaginal canal, which are mostly portions of the internal clitoris. So, the larger or wider whatever is inside it is, the more sensation a person will tend to feel (and how that sensation feels varies: sometimes it might feel amazing, other times it might feel painful and not good at all). That's part of why many women will report feeling more from deep manual sex than p***s-in-v****a intercourse. That's also why length really is a non-issue, because what feels the most sensory for women with intercourse happens right up front.

For people with a p***s and with vulvas alike, everyone also has different curves and shapes, and doesn't fit together exactly the same. The v****a is very flexible, but it does have limits and it's own topography that isn't so changeable. As well, things like wetness and warmth, angles and positions, how fast or slow someone moves, deep or shallow -- all of these things create different feelings, and all are things people can change, no matter their size or shape.

You have the issue of circumcision or not. Uncircumcised penises, because they have a foreskin, tend to create a bit more friction and texture than those which have been circumcised. (That also often feels different for sexual partners.) A man who isn't feeling the sensation he'd like to be during intercourse may need to add lube, shift his position, move faster or slower, deeper or shallower....I hope by now you're getting the picture.

And yes: some people are going to find that with the specifics of anyone else's body or their parts -- whether we're talking penises or any other part of the body -- they don't create the kinds of feelings or sensations, with certain activities, they'd like. But there really is no reason for that to be some huge deal: that just usually means that those people need to explore doing things differently with those parts or doing different sexual activities, with other parts (or toys) entirely to find the kind of sensation they're looking for.

No one ever decreed (or if they did, it sure was silly of them) that somehow any one sexual activity was supposed to be everyone's favorite, all or any of the time. Intercourse is ONLY one kind of sex: one kind of many, and it's usually a combination of activities, for men AND women, that's the big ticket when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

And if all that isn't clear enough, I'm not sure what is. I think that you'd be helped by simply recognizing how much ignorance there is about female anatomy, and how much that ignorance is influenced by some pretty crappy attitudes about women and sexuality. If you can just acknowledge that what you've been thinking just isn't right or accurate, and really apply some logic, I think it should be pretty easy for you to make more sense of all this.

In case you need a refresher course with female anatomy, have a look at this: Pink Parts - Female Sexual Anatomy. If you need some more information on some reason why intercourse isn't the biggest whoop of all time, see here: Yield for Pleasure.

P.S. ARE some people "size queens," in terms of preferring a wider or longer p***s, either because it feels better for them or because they think there is some status in it? Yes, some people -- male and female alike -- are like that. But they're the minority: most people do NOT feel that way, nor do most people find that the size of someone's genitals alone makes any kind of sex enjoyable or not. No one is just being glib when they say that it ain't what you've got, but how you use it. smile "
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/lets_let_this_be_the_last_word_on_worn_out_vaginas_shall_we  

[LorienLlewellyn]

How can vaginas not vary much in size, for real?

"Anonymous asks:

I was reading posts and noticed that a lot of them said how sex should be easy if the girl is turned on and relaxed. I have a smaller build and perceive it to be proportional in "all areas". I'm 19. I really enjoy sex and I have been sexually active for two years. However, I have found that no matter how much foreplay my boyfriend and I engage in, sex is difficult to start with and I feel sore during the end and afterwards. My boyfriend has also noticed a large difference in "tightness" between myself and other girls he has been with. We always use a good amount of lubrication and I do feel really relaxed and aroused with him. I don't understand how a guy can have a larger or smaller p***s, but yet everything I have read on your site says that women have little to no variation in size. Does this mean that I'm generally the same size as the girls he's been with and that there is something else wrong with me?

Heather Corinna replies:

The size of someone's body in terms of height and weight really doesn't have any bearing on genital size. If you have the idea that a very small woman has a much smaller v****a than a very large woman, time to toss that idea out, since there's never been any data to support that premise. When it comes to size, shape and the way they work, you also just can't really compare penises and vaginas. They are very different organs. The p***s, for instance, is not a muscle. The v****a, however, is. While the size of a man's erection can vary a little from day to day, it's a pretty small window of variance, and what size it becomes when erect before or during intercourse has no bearing at all on what size a v****a is. Vaginal size, however, during intercourse, is directly influenced by what size the p***s inside of it is.

A given v****a does not have any one size: our vaginas are one general way when "resting," then tend to have more room and flexibility when we get aroused, and on top of that, can also often stretch past that aroused size if something wider or longer than that aroused size is when inside of them. And the variance in sizes between women are much lesser than those between men. With all "states" of the v****a when we're not talking about the back of it (the very back of the v****a, which you really can't feel much since it's not rich with nerve endings, "tents" or kind of grows a bit like the widest part of a balloon when a woman is super-dee-duper aroused), differences between pre-menopausal women of a similar reproductive history -- as in, how many times they have been pregnant or given birth: not how many times they have had sex -- usually only vary within an inch or so, max. Even between women with some variance in reproductive history and age, we still don't see the kinds of differences we see among men with p***s size.

Vaginas are closed, or collapsed, muscular tubes when nothing is in them, kind of like when your mouth or throat is closed, they're pretty much collapsed unto themselves.

When a woman is just lying around, hanging out and reading a book, her v****a is not hanging open: it's closed. But when we put something inside the v****a -- be that a finger, a tampon, a p***s, a speculum or -- from the other direction -- an infant's head during childbirth -- the v****a expands to surround and grip what is inside it and has a great deal of flexibility and variability in terms of how big or small it can be when something is inside of it. Given the vaginal canal is a muscle, we usually also have a good deal of grip around what is inside: you can feel that yourself with your own fingers. When we take whatever that thing inside is out, in a very short period of time (excepting with childbirth, where it can sometimes take a bit longer, though that often is due in part not to physical changes, but changes in feelings about sex), the vaginal opening and canal snap right back to their "resting," collapsed state. In a lot of ways, even talking about vaginas as having sizes is about as apt as talking about rubber bands or balloons as being a certain size: with something stretchy and designed to be expandable, whose size is ever changing, it doesn't make sense to consider that thing as having a static size at all.

Think about it like a pair of tights you just took out of the dryer. They're very stretchy, but before you put them on, the legs of them look very tiny and tight, as there isn't anything inside them and like nothing large could fit into them. If someone thin legs put them on, they'll stretch to fit right around those legs. If someone with a thicker leg puts them on, they'll stretch to fit that leg, too. If you take a basketball and put it inside, they'll stretch around that, too. And after any given size of leg was put in, if we toss them back in the wash, when they're done, they're going to be that constricted size again that'll stretch to accommodate what's put inside.

(And if you're going to go to the place that says, "But wait: after a bunch of wears, tights get less stretchy and get kind of saggy! That means vaginas CAN wear out that same way, right?" Don't bother. Tights and vaginas are different in that way, because vaginas are not made out of nylon or cotton and are built to last and be more way more resilient.)

Does all of this make any more sense now?

By all means, some things do impact how stretchy and snap-back the vaginal walls or opening are. Recent vaginal childbirth, for instance, will often have a temporary impact. Age can make a difference, as can general health, hormonal balances (estrogen plays a big part in vaginal elasticity, which is why menopause will often impact women's comfort with intercourse and other vaginal sex, and also why at certain times of the fertility cycle when estrogen levels are lower, intercourse doesn't always feel as good or as comfortable as it does at other times when estrogen levels are higher) and other issues I talk about in a couple paragraphs.

I'd not put a lot of stock in what a partner says about what your v****a feels like to them, particularly with male partners when we're talking about intercourse, and especially if they're circumcised, since as a whole, what a circumcised p***s feels during intercourse is more about generalized pressure than more subtle sensations. It's often mentioned by sexologists that male perceptions of vaginal size have more to do with lubrication levels than anything else: a less lubricated v****a tends to feel more "tight" due to more friction, while an adequately or very lubricated v****a can feel "looser," because of less friction. So, if you're not also using lube from the start, adding more as needed, or you're just naturally drier during sex than his other partners were, that may be some of the difference he is perceiving.

I've had my own fingers and hands in plenty of vaginas, and if a person would ask me to rate "tightness" or "looseness" between different female partners in some sort of overall way (which is already flawed, since a given v****a does not feel the same from day-to-day), I really don't think I could, especially when I didn't have those vaginas right in front of me at one time for comparison, and despite being a very keen observer of all things sexual for my living. As well, sometimes men will think saying "you're tight" is more a compliment than a general commentary or objective observation. What it feels like for you is what you really want to focus on.

Some medical conditions or other issues can cause vaginal pain or discomfort with intercourse despite a woman being aroused, relaxed and lubricated throughout all of intercourse (though that "throughout" is something to pay attention to: if you're not staying aroused through the whole thing, just because you started aroused doesn't mean you won't have discomfort at some point), and her partner going about intercourse with her in a way that is comfortable and pleasurable for her. If you want an easy way to check in to see if your arousal is really there and sustaining or not, pay attention to vulval effects like the size and sensitivity of your clitoris and outer labia: with high arousal, both size and sensitivity should increase in those places in ways you can notice, even if they can be subtle sometimes. Inside the v****a, the g-spot should get more sensitive, as well.

Just to be sure that you're not overlooking a typical or easier-to-fix causes of pain or discomfort, do be sure you've given this a good look-over: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse.

If you've already ruled out all of those possibilities, this has been persistent and you haven't yet had a chat with your sexual healthcare provider about what's going on, go ahead and do that. Persistent vaginal pain or discomfort can be due to other issues which may need address or treatment. Some of those issues can be certain genital and/or sexually transmitted infections, hormone imbalances, blood pressure problems, certain formations of residual hymen, muscular tension, the effects of cervical cancer or cancer treatments, vaginismus, vulvar vestibulitis or vulvodynia, emotional issues (such as due to previous sexual trauma or relationship problems), psychological issues (including being mentally convinced sex is or will be painful or that the v****a is "tight" or small), yeast infections or imbalances, Sjogren's Syndrome, diabetes, the side effects of some medications (like anti-depressants or hormonal birth control), even allergies or sensitivities to things as seemingly benign as laundry detergents, latex condoms, lubricants or menstrual products.

You also have the opportunity when talking to that healthcare provider to get a second opinion on these questions about what vaginas really are like, how they work, and what size variances are. There's no reason you should feel you have to take only my word on all of this, after all.

In the meantime, while you're having discomfort, I'd suggest taking a break from vaginal intercourse. When we anticipate pain or discomfort -- which of course, you're going to do if you've been experiencing it persistently -- we're way more likely to have it happen. As well, you want to make sure not to irritate your vulva or v****a further if you have something going on that needs treatment. With kinds of sex that do feel good for you, without any pain, there's no reason you can't continue as you like, but before going for intercourse again, I'd at least get seen by a healthcare pro and rule out some of the possibilities."
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_can_vaginas_not_vary_much_in_size_for_real  

[LorienLlewellyn]

From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

"People often write into Scarleteen reporting that, for them or their partners, vaginal entry -- most typically with p***s-in-v****a intercourse or manual vaginal sex ("fingering"), and usually (but not always) with male partners -- is painful, uncomfortable, or unfulfilling. Sadly, many young people report having painful intercourse or other vaginal sex again and again, many without even saying anything about it to their partners or looking into the why of their pain.

In fact, plenty of people of all ages simply assume intercourse is going to be, or has to be, painful or uncomfortable -- some for the first few times, others that it simply always is to some degree. There tends to be more expectation that vaginal entry will be painful than pleasurable, even though vaginal pain is often completely avoidable, and most of the time, there's nothing normal about pain. Instead, it's usually a signal that something is wrong, whether that's about a health condition or about people just going about sexual activities in a way that's causing pain.

Whatever sort of vaginal entry we're talking about -- with fingers, a p***s or a d***o, with partners of any gender -- it not only doesn't have to be painful, it really shouldn't be, and for most people experiencing pain during vaginal sex, there are solutions. And any kind of sex shouldn't be about a lack of pain, but about the presence of pleasure.

Are you (or is your partner) experiencing vaginal pain during sex? Then read on while we look at the most common culprits and talk about how to identify, address, process and be rid of them, and help make vaginal stimulus more likely to be a "Wow," not an "Ow."

1. Are those annual sexual health exams up-to-date? Both pap smears and bimanual exams are recommended to be started at age 21, BUT if there's pain involved that's the very first place to start. And let's not leave out the importance of a full STI screening.

If you're having more than one partner in a year -- yep, even if you're using latex barriers for manual sex, oral sex, vaginal and/or a**l sex -- you need those STI screenings even more often.

Sometimes pain with intercourse or other kinds of sex is due to an infection or other medical issues, and will need diagnosis by a doctor -- and it may take more than one: misdiagnosis of vaginal or vulval pain is unfortunately common -- followed by medical treatment. Even if you're doing everything else we'll address in this piece, you may still have pain or discomfort if a medical, rather than behavioral, issue is what is causing your pain.

(Been having unprotected sex? Having pain during intercourse? Unexplained bleeding during and/or after? While Chlamydia can often be asymptomatic, these are also very common symptoms. Chlamydia rates in young women are incredibly high, and chances are good that part of why is because male partners saying they have been having STI screenings just plain haven't, and young women aren't insisting on safer sex. Many more women here report their male partners have been screened here than is statistically realistic. If you haven't had a copy of your partner's recent screening results in your hands, assume they have NOT been screened, and insist on using all aspects of safer sex with those partners. If you haven't been, even without vaginal pain or bleeding, get in and get your own screenings NOW, and insist that your partner does the same, even if you intend to wise up and practice safer sex from now on.)

Painful vaginal entry or intercourse can be due to certain genital infections, as well as because of reproductive health conditions like vaginismus, vulvar vestibulitis, lichen sclerosus, endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease (which usually arises from unidentified and/or untreated STIs) or an imperforate or particularly inflexible corona (hymen). So, before you look for any other culprits, start in the office of your healthcare pro who is well-educated about pain conditions: that's important to find out if the problem is physical, and if so to get treatment AND to safeguard your sexual and general health.

Once that is taken care of, and if either no medical culprits are found, or they are, and are treated but you're still having discomfort or pain, look further.

2. Are you highly aroused well BEFORE any sort of vaginal entry begins?

For real? (And did you really go tend to that exam first? Seriously, start with that.)

If you answered yes without even a thought (or an enjoyable, wistful sigh), and you haven't been sexually active for a long time or actively masturbating on your own for a good while, you may not be or even know when you are aroused. Liking our partner, even being crazy in love with them, isn't the same thing as big-time sexual arousal.

If you're a young, healthy person without any medical conditions which can alter how your sexual response system system works, when you're very aroused, generally, you will feel a bit flushed. Your heart rate will be a bit quicker, your body may feel tingly, your muscles alert but relaxed. You may be breathing more quickly. Your v****a will usually naturally lubricate, sometimes profoundly (though at some times in your monthly cycle, that may be more or less) so that you feel "wet." Your genitals and whole body will tend to feel more and more sensitive the more highly aroused you become; your clitoris will enlarge slightly, your vaginal opening will loosen, your breasts may also swell. You will feel a very strong desire to be sexually engaged in some way, be it with a partner or by yourself, usually more so then when sexual activity just started.

What sorts of things might inhibit (keep you from) full arousal?
relationship conflicts, problems or doubts
worries about STIs or pregnancy (which usually are more likely when you're not practicing both)
previous sexual trauma or shame
lack of trust in a partner
an emotionally, sexually or physically abusive partner or a partner who pressures for sex
worries about embarrassing oneself, doing sex "wrong" or really letting go in front of a partner
certain prescription (like some antidepressants) or recreational drugs or alcohol
poor general health, sedentary lifestyle or poor nutrition
body or self-image problems
anticipating pain; feeling scared or nervous
orientation questioning or strong doubts
ethical conflicts about being sexually active
being with a partner you really don't want to be with, or who you don't feel safe with
feeling like you might get caught (having limited privacy) or being in a rush or hurry
the old wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am: in other words, jumping (or being pushed) right into vaginal entry without any sort of fanfare, without foreplay, etc.
entering into certain sexual activities before you really want to or feel ready
feeling like sex is a performance, or a way to prove your worth to a partner

And in that same vein:

3. Do you really WANT to be having intercourse/manual sex or any sort of sex? That might sound silly, but it's important to consider every time you have sex: do you want to have intercourse or other vaginal sex for YOUR pleasure and satisfaction as much as your partners? Do you find yourself attempting intercourse or manual sex with a partner when you suspect or know you aren't aroused or interested, maybe because you know it'll get them to stop nagging you or placate them? If so, in a word, knock it off. You truly don't want to get into that habit or set that precedent.

(Say what? "Loose" is BETTER?!?
When not sexually aroused, the vaginal opening and canal are more constricted, "tighter," than during arousal. During arousal, the v****a self-lubricates, engorges with blood (which causes the clitoris and clitoral sponge to grow in size not unlike the male p***s does), hormones secreted in the body help to relax the canal and opening of the v****a, and the back of the v****a "tents," expanding in both width and depth. And the v****a isn't static: so "looseness" or 'tightness" change in the day-to-day. There aren't "loose" vaginas and "tight" vaginas as a whole.

So, when people go on about a "tight" v****a being ideal, what they're really saying -- even if they don't realize it -- is that an unaroused, uncomfortable person -- usually a woman -- is ideal. I think we can all agree there's nothing ideal about being uncomfortable and not into sex is ideal during sex. Not only is it far from ideal for the person feeling that way, it's not ideal for partners, either. With arousal, when the v****a is engaged, that muscle contracts actively around what is inside it; a p***s, toy or fingers can move much more freely and feel more intense sensations than inside a v****a that is unaroused, dryer, and constricted by the lack of relaxation and arousal so as to not even allow for deeper entry.

Of course, for a well-adjusted person interested and invested in sex being a mutually pleasurable experience, there's nothing at all desirable about an unaroused, uncomfortable partner.)

Is your partner attempting intercourse when he or she doesn't feel aroused? Probably not, since when any kind of sex occurs, it's very unusual for both people to be engaging in it when both don't want to be or don't feel excited. Good for anyone only pursuing sex when they're excited and aroused and comfortable: sex out of nothing but obligation tends to be really detrimental physically, sexually, emotionally and to a healthy relationship. But the same standard should be held for all partners, and be one you hold for yourself.

Certainly, especially in long-term relationships, we'll sometimes find ourselves in the position where one of us is in the mood, but the other just isn't so much, or is only halfway there. When that's so, we have plenty of options. We or our partners can always masturbate. We also always have the option to engage in sexual activities which we do feel up to, or are aroused enough to enjoy, many of which don't require our genitals to be all-ready to go, and which we probably enjoy even at moderate-level arousal just because they please our partners. Sometimes, we are in a headspace to enjoy bringing a partner pleasure (and vice-versa), even if we're not in the mood (maybe we're too tired, maybe we already got off and feel finished, maybe we don't have time on a given day for the spaciness orgasm can bring, maybe we can just feel our bodies aren't going to go there right then) to get off ourselves. Engaging in manual, oral sex, phone sex or some level of mutual masturbation with a partner, for instance, are these kinds of options.

Once you start a sexual relationship, that also doesn't mean your partner (or you, for that matter) has an all-access-pass to sex whenever, wherever, or however they want it with you. That's what masturbation is for: that's the only 24/7 pass to sex at anytime any of us gets to have. Even in a long-term relationship, sex is a request, a possibility, and in a healthy, mutually respectful partnership, only when both partners are aroused -- or interested in becoming aroused -- and truly interested in sex.

In many cultures, ours certainly included, p***s-in-v****a intercourse is set up as the default from of sex, as the "real" sex, as the sex that all other sex acts should lead up to, as the sex everyone should be having most often. But one has to remember that those ideas cemented during times when the comfort, pleasure and autonomy of women (identified at the time as those with vaginas) was in no way a priority; when women engaging in sex was widely viewed as a "duty" to one's partner, whether or not the woman in question was experiencing pleasure, or even basic comfort; when women weren't even recognized as having a sexuality of our own. Sadly, marital rape is still considered okay by a lot of people, based in part on those ideas: that women's bodies become owned, depersonalized or subservient property in sexual relationships. Up until fairly recently, pervasive myths were spread that women who couldn't reach orgasm via intercourse weren't "real" women, and those myths still continued -- albeit slightly less prevalently -- even when more study was done on female anatomy to understand that often, our own physiology often prevents orgasm or physical pleasure from vaginal intercourse alone. Of course, the notion that heterocourse is the default sex, the "real" sex is also based in heterosexism and homophobia as well as sexism.

You may find your older siblings, aunts or uncles, parents or even your peers give you the message that you are somehow obligated to have intercourse or any other form of sex with a partner whenever they want it, but you've got to understand that anyone sending you that message is just plain wrong; is voicing a message that is harmful, painful and detrimental. Plenty of people don't question those beliefs because they're so rooted in history and some traditions they somehow seem normal, fair or sound (some people who don't question them don't because they benefit them, even if they harm others). But they aren't: not if mutually respectful and caring partnership is what you're after, and not if women's minds, hearts and bodies are being treated with respect, love and care.

4. Are you communicating with your partner, and is he or she responding to what you're communicating?

In other words, when you say, go slow, not so deep yet, or grab more of that lubricant, or ow, I think I want more oral sex first, or let's try this position instead, or can you rub my clitoris while you do that ... are they both listening AND following your lead? (Remember, for a partner to do that, you've got to speak up in the first place: body language can give some things away, especially when we're really familiar with a partner and their physical cues, but verbalizing this stuff clearly often does that better and is really vital when either a partner or sex in general is new to either or both people.)

Faking orgasm or pleasure, for the record, is a complete barrier to satisfying sex and good sexual partnership. If, via faking, you're lying to a partner about what feels good and doesn't, so he or she isn't very likely to be able to find out what WILL feel good. And keeping at it when you're in pain makes it much more likely that you'll continue to have pain every time you engage in the same activity. Vaginal muscles and the rest of our bodies actually anticipate the pain with cues from our brains, and that can keep us from full arousal and cause the v****a to constrict upon itself, rather than opening up.

Dear Person with a p***s,
How can you help out here? Pretty easily. If you have a partner having vaginal pain and are concerned about a partner's pleasure as much as yours to read something like this, you're already halfway there. Whoohoo!

- Make clear to your partner, from the onset of your sexual partnership, that they should always feel free to let you know when thay're feeling any pain or discomfort, even if you appear to be enjoying yourself, and that you have exactly zero problem halting or changing the action so that they, too, feels good. You can also make clear that you only want to be having sex together at times BOTH of you want to, not just when one of you does. (P.S. If you don't actually feel that way or can't deal with that? Then you just aren't ready for sound sexual partnership yet. To treat a partner like a whole human being, not an object or sex toy, those are entry-level requirements.)

(Are you having pain during intercourse? While it's way more common for people with vaginas to experience pain, sometimes people with penises might, too. Similar rules apply to you in getting to the bottom of it. Start with your sexual healthcare provider to rule out infections or other health conditions. If nothing is amiss, it's probably about needing more lubricant or experimenting with positions to find the ones that feel good instead of owie.)
- Ask questions during sex. We're not talking about anything complicated: "How does this feel?" and "Is that comfortable for you?" and "Need more lube?" and "What position feels best for you?" and "Want me to go deeper/faster or not?")

- Don't bang away with your p***s or fingers if a partner's v****a appears to be putting up resistance or they're clearly not enjoying themselves. Instead, go back a step or two: if inserting your p***s is problematic or is causing your partner discomfort, go back to the clitoris or whatever other body parts they get turned on by for a while, maybe lube up a single finger and massage the vaginal opening until the v****a itself almost seems to "suck" that finger in readily. Think baby steps. Think about the sort of TLC, for instance, your testicles or your a**s need.

- Let your partner initiate sex just as much as you do.

- Don't rush. Period. It's understandable to want to hurry due to short or unpredictable erection times, or because it just feels so intense, but other sex when erections don't hang around, or additional sexual activity for your partner with hands or mouths if you reach orgasm yourself quickly is always, always better than pain for your partner.

- Remember that the vaginal canal not only isn't where all of sexuality and pleasure lies, but that for most people with that anatomy, it's secondary to other body parts. Paying attention to a partner's whole body and whole vulva -- not just the v****a -- is the real deal (and, in fact, equally encouraging your partner to pay attention to YOUR whole body and the whole of YOUR genitals --the p***s, but also the testes, perineum and a**s, pressure points around the pelvis -- also will enhance YOUR sex life and the level of your pleasure, too!).

- If your friends start riffing off on a bunch of sexist sex myths (like a "tight" v****a being ideal, or intercourse being obligatory), find ways to pass on more accurate, healthy information.

P.S. This isn't being said to you and not women because we think boys are jerks or stupid. Rather, this is being said to you because you don't have a vag yourself, and unless you've engaged in receptive a**l sex -- which isn't identical, but is similar -- you're usually not going to have any real idea what this can feel like. Too, social and cultural standards in terms of gender roles and heterosexual dynamics often come into play with this stuff, so gender isn't a nonissue.

5. Is your partner being observant and patient enough to really pay attention to the contours of your body, inside and out? Are you communicating clearly with them to help out? For instance, the vaginal canal is curved, not straight, so sticking stiff, pointed fingers in there isn't likely to be pleasant, nor is approaching intercourse at an angle in which the p***s or toy is poking the walls of the v****a, rather than following its more curvilinear contours. Make sure you're both taking the time to adjust positions or postures so that they are in harmony with your anatomy. Don't assume, even if your partner has had sex partners with a v****a before, that they know about your body or bodies as a whole. You may need to show your partner what feels good to you, speak up more to be clear about what you like and don't, or have your partner take more time to get to know your body gradually before certain kinds of sex.

6. Are you using lubricant as needed? Lube can't replace arousal, mind you: it can't loosen the vaginal canal and opening the way that arousal can. But when you are already there, and things don't feel very slippery, it can be a big help. When using condoms and barriers, it's essential, not just to keep the barrier from tearing, but because often our own natural lube isn't enough when a barrier is added. Too, if you're also using hormonal contraceptives, often one of the side effects is an increase in vaginal dryness. During certain times of the fertility cycle as well (for those who are not using the pill, the patch or other hormonal methods), cervical mucus is thicker, which can make things more sticky and less slippery. Friction is part of what makes any kind of vaginal stimulus -- like intercourse or manual sex -- feel good, but too much friction causes discomfort. using plenty of latex-safe, water-based lube helps you strike the right balance.

7. Have you had previous sexual trauma (like any form of rape, molestation or other sexual abuse)? Have you had pain during vaginal entry before, or previous partners who were too rough, inconsiderate or who you felt fearful with?

These previous experiences can result in current pain from intercourse or manual sex, because, in essence, our bodies remember the pain we've felt before and anticipate it by locking up and inhibiting arousal. If you suspect this is an issue, you can deal with that via counseling, and/or by letting your partner know about these experiences, and making sure you're both taking as much time as you need to introduce vaginal entry -- that can be weeks, months, even years. Whatever pace works for you -- makes you feel safe and relaxed over time so your body can -- is absolutely fine. So many people have some form of sexual abuse or assault in their history, and any partner who has sex partners who are survivors needs to be willing to work with those issues and the extra time it sometimes takes survivors to really get comfortable.

Sexual shaming is also a form of sexual trauma. If you have been raised with the strong message that wanting or having sex, or being aroused is shameful, dirty or makes you a bad person, that can make full arousal and pleasurable, comfortable sexual activity difficult.

Not as simple as 1 - 2 - 3 , but it's a start.
One: Not sure if you're really highly aroused or if that's an issue? Try having an orgasm BEFORE attempting sexual intercourse or manual sex. In other words, engage in other sexual activities with your partner which bring you to orgasm first, then right afterward, try vaginal entry. If your answer to this is:
a) You haven't had an orgasm yet or found out how to reach orgasm: then invest some time and energy, solo and with your partner, in finding that out well before getting to intercourse. You can even add a smaller amount of vaginal entry in that mix when exploring, via just a gentle finger or smaller toy, if you like.
b) Your partner isn't willing to hold off on intercourse or spend time exploring what does feel good and does bring you pleasure and/or orgasm: ditch that partner if a couple honest talks don't change that. Seriously. That may sound harsh, but a partner uninvested or uninterested in their partner's comfort or pleasure, or putting it second, isn't willing or ready to treat you like a partner: they're treating you like an accessory for masturbation, and that just isn't healthy, respectful or good for anybody.

If you discover that orgasm before intercourse or other vaginal entry makes the pain go poofie, then it's safe to assume that you haven't been aroused enough when you've tried before. So, you can then focus more on getting you aroused, or heck, make a habit of getting to orgasm first before vaginal sex.

Two: BE VERBAL AND CLEAR when you're not feeling good. Don't fake pleasure or say something feels okay when it doesn't, and don't just hope things will improve magically on their own. Neither you nor your partner are going to be able to figure out what DOES feel good, and isn't painful, if you're not communicating freely and clearly. If you don't feel ready or able to communicate during or about sex with a partner pretty honestly yet, then it's just not wise to engage in sex with a partner until you can. Suffice it to say, if you are earnestly fearful to say anything with a partner, you're with the wrong partner, period, and you need to get out of that situation, pronto.

and Three: Respect yourself. Caring for and honoring your body (and what's it's telling you with how it feels), saying no to someone else's pleasure which is your injury, pain and discomfort, and expecting and insisting that any sexual partner treats you and your body with equal care and consideration are the barest bones of self-respect in a healthy sexual partnership. Plenty of things in relationship are things where we have room for compromise and negotiation. Basic self-respect isn't one of them.

One last thing: some people discover that they just do not like intercourse or any other kind of vaginal entry, with partners of any gender. People with all kinds of bodies can have that preference, but it's more common for people with vaginas to find that intercourse is just not all that for them, or even is something they just don't dig at all.

Having that preference is JUST as okay as it is for a person to discover that they just don't like experiencing a**l entry, or as a person just not liking oral sex or deep-mouthed kissing (or having their ears licked, or their toes kissed, or their testicles cupped, whatever). Again, having a sexual partnership doesn't oblige or commit anyone to agree to all sex acts all the time, or even at all. You may find you need to shop a bit for a partner whose wants and needs are compatible with yours in that regard, but nearly all of us have to do that no matter what our preferences and desires are. So if NONE of this stuff works for you, if you discover that you just plain don't like vaginal entry, don't make yourself crazy over it, or become convinced there's something wrong with you. Instead, invest your energy in exploring what DOES work for you, what you DO like and with whom that all works just fine. I assure you, finding partners with whom it does is less tricky than you'd think."
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gender/from_ow_to_wow_demystifying_painful_intercourse