Assistance needed.

[911child]

I know God wants us to honor our parents. Thing is, i really dont like my mom, and barely know my dad. Growing up, my mom both was manipulative (and still is) and allowed (or did very little to try to stop) me to be beaten by my step dad. She says she tried her best, but every night we were still living with him. Nonetheless, this has driven a rift, per se, between us. I have no clue how to honor someone i dislike. I moved out 5 years ago when i was 18 and ever since she's tried to guilt me to move back in, as far as using my little brothers to ask me to move in when ever i visited (my youngest brother being 7. 5 at the time i left.), my other brothers tried to bring me back saying that she was giving them an allowance and was extending it to me as long as i moved in. She has no communication with her mother, whom i live with now. So ive given her an ultimatum. I've made little effort to visit and see her and my brothers, though she badgers me what seems like every week. So i told her i'd make more of an effort if she would make the same effort to see her mother. Which seems fair as she says we are a family and that family should stick together, but fails to claim her brother, sister and own mother as family, and more against her. So, i wish, whom ever you are reading this, that you pray for my family. We've been broken for as long as i can remember and i've pretty much decided if my mom doesnt make the effort with my grandmother and she would to unfortunately pass away, that i would cease any effort from talking to her and all together cut her out of my life. I have, as i stated, no real idea how to honor someone while i dislike them. I am not sure if its possible to do so, but both a close friend of mine, who is a christian and my grandmother, also christian, have told me that i don't have to like someone to honor them, but i am not to speak bad about them to others. Which i do not feel i am doing as i am stating what has happened and not speaking out of gossip. So i ask that you pray for my family and help me, if you can, if not its ok, understand how to honor her as well as how to honor my parents.  

[real eyes realize]

I can relate. I really hated my mom as an unbeliever, to the point that I had threatened to kill her—and meant it—pressured by her alcoholism, lying, and false promises; I felt emotionally abused (not trying to justify my murder threat, just saying why I made it). Ultimately, it was a case of iniquity: the same murderous rage I harbored for my mother, is the same murderous rage she would show towards her own mother (and I, as well, would speak that way to my grandmother too if I felt she committed something against me). Also damaging to the relationship, was how we had nothing in common (at least it felt that way because of the things she liked to talk about; but now that I think of it, we both had an interest in the supernatural. Though, minus the Ouija board she bought me when I was little, we never really shared dialogue over that interest). Around 5th grade and beyond, communication rarely went beyond "how was school?" / "fine" / "mhmm". I would isolate myself in my room, I wouldn't eat with my parents (as a kid, I couldn't tolerate the chewing/slurping noises they made, nor watching them eat meat, or forcing me to eat meat), so my universe consisted of me-my pets-classmates-teachers-homework-play-sleep. Minimal interference/interaction with the parents, they orbited somewhere outside of that. On top of all that, I'm not the most affectionate person in the world, so there was absolutely no nourishing of the relation between us. She and I also had periods of isolation (from, I dunno, maybe 2? to the age of 5). I lived with my grandmother in the Dominican Republic because of a hurricane that came to Florida and the situation wasn't safe for a child my age so she sent me over there; then I moved back to the USA to live with her after my 5th birthday. She definitely wanted to isolate herself from the rest of the family that's why she came to the USA to begin with. So kind of a similar situation to yours: the way your mother cut off family is how my mom isolated herself from her own family, and consequently that behavior trickled down to the next generation.

In my case, I started reading from the front of the book, so wondering how to keep the 5th commandment was definitely a conundrum. It wasn't until I started applying mercy, forgiveness, love your enemies, thus expressing acts of kindness (even when the person doesn't deserve it from me), that I would say I fully adhered to it. Before then, I figured living a blameless life would bring them honor, thanks to the proverbs, which is the first book I dabbled with, actually, out of the Old Testament. And that did cover "honor your father and mother" up to a point, but it didn't deal with how I felt towards my mom). It wasn't until I started reading and applying Jesus' teachings about loving your enemies, being merciful in that way, expressing kindness when they don't deserve it that I stopped harboring any animosity for her, and healing started to happen. And then my eyes opened even wider to see the acts of mercy in the Old Testament.

That particular iniquity was something our Heavenly Father weeded out of me over the span of a year or so (after I began reading the bible and finally reached the New Testament); he kept sending trials my way that would make me realize how wrathful/hateful I was, thus leading me to repentance and prayer, in many cases just purely heartbroken over how hateful I was. So, each time a trying circumstance would come, if I'd blow up, it was less and less every time, to the point that I would showcase only minor expressions of annoyance in the next trial, until now where I'm kind of stoic no matter if I'm insulted or have been unjustly accused or slandered—so, no matter what injustice is done against me nor by whom, I stay calm without feeling hatred or wanting to murder someone / without wanting to rage. (Though if I'm rebuking someone, I definitely have a stern tone of voice, but there's no hate/anger behind my words anymore, it's been replaced by disappointment/pity).

Aside from the trials refining me and prayer, I also took the initiative: I didn't expect for my mother to be less rageful towards her own mother before I started dealing with the iniquity they had passed on to me. Sure, she didn't deserve that I stop being rageful in my interactions with her (because she had shown no attempt to stop being the way she was), but I knew it was the right thing to do. It's the same principle as meeting an insult with a blessing. I think the "merciful" aspect of my behavior actually helped her get on the path to sincerely believe the scriptures and actually start applying the word and make up with her own mother. Now, we actually have something in common, and with the growing need to share what I was learning (knowing that it worked) and to fix the spiritual problems in my family, we actually had something of substance to keep talking about. Since we were operating on a common "mission", all of those problems kind of fell away. I'm sure along the way certain topics would come up, that would bring up past issues, thus providing opportunity to confess, forgive, heal whatever wounds were there. But for that to happen, at least one of you has to give in, start communicating, and hang out on a consistent basis. In your case, don't wait for your mother to do anything before you start doing what you know is right. You making the first step and bringing Christ-like behavior to her could be a better motivation for her to forgive her own mother/family members, and stop isolating herself—which was the case for me.  

[911child]

real eyes realize

I can relate. I really hated my mom as an unbeliever, to the point that I had threatened to kill her—and meant it—pressured by her alcoholism, lying, and false promises; I felt emotionally abused (not trying to justify my murder threat, just saying why I made it). Ultimately, it was a case of iniquity: the same murderous rage I harbored for my mother, is the same murderous rage she would show towards her own mother (and I, as well, would speak that way to my grandmother too if I felt she committed something against me). Also damaging to the relationship, was how we had nothing in common (at least it felt that way because of the things she liked to talk about; but now that I think of it, we both had an interest in the supernatural. Though, minus the Ouija board she bought me when I was little, we never really shared dialogue over that interest). Around 5th grade and beyond, communication rarely went beyond "how was school?" / "fine" / "mhmm". I would isolate myself in my room, I wouldn't eat with my parents (as a kid, I couldn't tolerate the chewing/slurping noises they made, nor watching them eat meat, or forcing me to eat meat), so my universe consisted of me-my pets-classmates-teachers-homework-play-sleep. Minimal interference/interaction with the parents, they orbited somewhere outside of that. On top of all that, I'm not the most affectionate person in the world, so there was absolutely no nourishing of the relation between us. She and I also had periods of isolation (from, I dunno, maybe 2? to the age of 5). I lived with my grandmother in the Dominican Republic because of a hurricane that came to Florida and the situation wasn't safe for a child my age so she sent me over there; then I moved back to the USA to live with her after my 5th birthday. She definitely wanted to isolate herself from the rest of the family that's why she came to the USA to begin with. So kind of a similar situation to yours: the way your mother cut off family is how my mom isolated herself from her own family, and consequently that behavior trickled down to the next generation.

In my case, I started reading from the front of the book, so wondering how to keep the 5th commandment was definitely a conundrum. It wasn't until I started applying mercy, forgiveness, love your enemies, thus expressing acts of kindness (even when the person doesn't deserve it from me), that I would say I fully adhered to it. Before then, I figured living a blameless life would bring them honor, thanks to the proverbs, which is the first book I dabbled with, actually, out of the Old Testament. And that did cover "honor your father and mother" up to a point, but it didn't deal with how I felt towards my mom). It wasn't until I started reading and applying Jesus' teachings about loving your enemies, being merciful in that way, expressing kindness when they don't deserve it that I stopped harboring any animosity for her, and healing started to happen. And then my eyes opened even wider to see the acts of mercy in the Old Testament.

That particular iniquity was something our Heavenly Father weeded out of me over the span of a year or so (after I began reading the bible and finally reached the New Testament); he kept sending trials my way that would make me realize how wrathful/hateful I was, thus leading me to repentance and prayer, in many cases just purely heartbroken over how hateful I was. So, each time a trying circumstance would come, if I'd blow up, it was less and less every time, to the point that I would showcase only minor expressions of annoyance in the next trial, until now where I'm kind of stoic no matter if I'm insulted or have been unjustly accused or slandered—so, no matter what injustice is done against me nor by whom, I stay calm without feeling hatred or wanting to murder someone / without wanting to rage. (Though if I'm rebuking someone, I definitely have a stern tone of voice, but there's no hate/anger behind my words anymore, it's been replaced by disappointment/pity).

Aside from the trials refining me and prayer, I also took the initiative: I didn't expect for my mother to be less rageful towards her own mother before I started dealing with the iniquity they had passed on to me. Sure, she didn't deserve that I stop being rageful in my interactions with her (because she had shown no attempt to stop being the way she was), but I knew it was the right thing to do. It's the same principle as meeting an insult with a blessing. I think the "merciful" aspect of my behavior actually helped her get on the path to sincerely believe the scriptures and actually start applying the word and make up with her own mother. Now, we actually have something in common, and with the growing need to share what I was learning (knowing that it worked) and to fix the spiritual problems in my family, we actually had something of substance to keep talking about. Since we were operating on a common "mission", all of those problems kind of fell away. I'm sure along the way certain topics would come up, that would bring up past issues, thus providing opportunity to confess, forgive, heal whatever wounds were there. But for that to happen, at least one of you has to give in, start communicating, and hang out on a consistent basis. In your case, don't wait for your mother to do anything before you start doing what you know is right. You making the first step and bringing Christ-like behavior to her could be a better motivation for her to forgive her own mother/family members, and stop isolating herself—which was the case for me.

I am towards her as nice as one is with a stranger. Everytime she invites me to a family get together or what not (I.e Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.) i'd extend to her what ever my grandmother is doing for that event. I've made sort of an unspoken rule, if i am asked to join an event, such as Christmas or what not, and i have no plans, i go with that person for the holidays. but now i stick to my grandmother. We have tense conversations. I don't wish to speak ill of her, but, lets say, my mother likes to get information from people in anyway she can, and says that what ever we talk about it doesnt leave her house. Which i normally don't talk about unless asked. Which the only person to ask is my grandmother, and i feel, if she takes me to my mother's place she deserves to know what is talked about. I can relate with the wanting to kill someone, as i felt that way to my step father, due to the abuse. When i talk to my mother, it is like i am talking with not a disinterest or interest, i dont care one way or the other, which she says is 'cold' of me. I really just don't like her by her actions, contradictory of being a christian as she says she is. As i stated, i've given her an ultimatum, and am not willing to budge as much as she wants me to until she gives the same effort to her mother, which is fair and reasonable.  

[Meili Kyumee Youichi]

*praying*  

[Spirit Reborn]

911child

praying as well, my friend. emotion_bigheart
I have learned, from many past experiences that..as undeserving the other person was [in my eyes], I had to be the 'bigger man' so-to-speak by being forgiving, kind, merciful- displaying Christ-like behaviour in order for the other person's heart to soften. And it's worked- through Jesus' strength, His Word, His promises.. prayer. He's helped turned the hardest and stubbornest of hearts..into one that beats for Him. Including..my own.  

[911child]

Spirit Reborn

911child

praying as well, my friend. emotion_bigheart
I have learned, from many past experiences that..as undeserving the other person was [in my eyes], I had to be the 'bigger man' so-to-speak by being forgiving, kind, merciful- displaying Christ-like behaviour in order for the other person's heart to soften. And it's worked- through Jesus' strength, His Word, His promises.. prayer. He's helped turned the hardest and stubbornest of hearts..into one that beats for Him. Including..my own.

Agreed. I'm trying to be the bigger man, so to say, just my mom is pretty manipulative. This is why i dont talk to her to much.