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 Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:34 am
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Yes. You read it. I am selfish. But give me a moment to ramble and explain if you’d care to know why I call myself such an ugly thing. Before I begin I would like to add that I need not any judgments for my decisions from anyone. It is nobody's place to judge me but God's. I know some of my sins. God knows the rest and I will answer for them one day.
I just moved out of my parent’s house and in with my boyfriend of 2 years. (Yeah, I guess you could say I’m one of those kinds of people. But, I’m nearly 21 and I think I can make those decisions for myself, TYVM.) The environment there was...toxic, to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family to pieces, I just can no longer live with them. My mother has been fighting what seems like a losing battle, dragging my dad and little sister down with her and attempting to take me with them. There’s no way we can really prove if she’s doing it to herself or not. All I know is she’s sick in more ways than one. She can no longer take care of herself. More often than not she talks out of her head and stumbles around like she’s been on a three day drunk. And believe me I know what a three day drunk with her is like. She’s been sober for years, but honestly we all think she’s traded one addiction for another, as such happens with some alcoholics. But I can't blame her for how she is. I can't even pity her. Everyone knows she’s crazy to an extent. She’s on a plethora of medications for everything from her Seizures, Anxiety, Angina, Insomnia, Diabetes (insulin pump), and Bi-polar disorder to nausea and pain from her pancreas (that of which she only has less than 1/2 remaining). Basically her condition has hit rock bottom and nobody knows if she can be pulled back up again. And it hurts. It hurts everyone in her life to see her struggle. Everyone wishes they could fix her, but all we can do is help her survive. Because what she does is not living. It’s existing. She may leave the house one or two, maybe five at the most, times a month. Usually it’s shopping at 4 in the morning when nobody else is awake and at Walmart or for doctor’s appointments.
Many nights I would stay awake, fighting sleep (maybe getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day) just to make sure she didn’t trip over something in the cluttered trailer and kill herself from sleepwalking. Making sure she didn’t burn the house down from sleep-smoking or sleep-cooking. Even going as far as making sure she doesn’t slip into a coma from super low blood sugar, picking her up off the floor from bottomed out blood pressure, and helping her to the bathroom so she doesn’t get stuck between the toilet and the sink again and messing all over the floor in the process. I would stay up to let my Dad sleep. To give him a break. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is. Many times I felt less like her daughter and more like her mother. Sometimes I would feel less like her mother and more like a home health nurse getting paid in food and free internet. Talk about role reversal. Despite all of that and against all odds, I can’t hate my mother. I didn’t move because I’m running from it. I left with some difficulty. I could hardly believe I finally had a way out, but I was torn. I know mom needed help. I know dad needs help. Mom needs 24 hour care and none of us are equipped for that kind of job. I didn’t run away from it, no, I had to tear myself from it. Here is why:
Education. I need to finish school. I need a career. I can’t wait for my mother to go home to Jesus before I go to school. I personally think she would hold it against me if I did. Her life expectancy was 4-6 years, up to 8, after her surgery in 2009. Even after that I’d make excuses. I’d be in mourning. I couldn’t handle the stress. My brain couldn’t absorb the information and I’d flunk out. Whatever it would be, my best chance of breaking the cycle and getting out of the rut of poverty is to finish my education now and try to find a job. I intend on going to USM for Social Work. My goal was to get in by the Spring semester, but with rent going up I don’t think that can happen. My new goal is to find a temp job (year long or longer, even) and work and save and build my credit. By August I’ll have all the fees needed to finish my application and order my transcripts. I’ll be done with my degree in about 2 or 3 years.
That’s the plan. Right now I have to be selfish. Right now I have to worry about getting ME started, before I can worry about getting a family started. And that is what I want. I want to be 10xS the mother mine was, and that’s saying something. Because despite her problems, my mom was a beautiful and excellent mother. She helped shape me into who I am. She brought me up right and I learned from her mistakes.
So yes. I am selfish. But my selfishness doesn’t end there. Lately there has been a struggle in me. Emotionally and spiritually. I was raised in Church, for which I am thankful, and I am a woman of faith. I love God. I love Jesus. I hold them both near and dear to my heart as my strength is not my own but all God’s. But do I love them enough? Do I love them as I should? If I loved them enough would I have the strength to turn my back on my fiance, whom I also love, adore, and cherish? I would sacrifice the many nights laying in his warm embrace. I would sacrifice his kiss and touch because we are not wed yet, even though that is a clear intention of ours? If I loved God as I should, would I fight to shy away from all sin? I would torture myself for the sins I managed to “get away with”. But lately I’ve been thinking to myself. Being a Christian and a saved Child of God does not make me sinless. When I was saved I was not made a Saint. Christ was the only sinless one of us all. I have been a tangled mess of feelings lately about this and I see myself changing rapidly. I honestly am tired of religion. I am tired of the blinders over my eyes forcing me into a box of what I should be because when it’s clear that is not what I am. I’m not a cookie cutter mold of Christian. But I cannot abandon my faith. I can’t continue with the facade of Christian. I can’t wear that mask. I’m a sinner. But I am forgiven for my sins. Past, present, and future. Intentional and unintentional. Continued and discontinued. The way I see it, Christ died to save me from my sins, from condemnation to hell. Christ died, not giving me license to sin, but license to live. So how am I to spread the Gospel if I’m such a hypocrite? Continue reading.
I believe in God. I believe in Christ. I believe in what Christ stood for. Love. Yes I know, Love God above all else and love one another. If I loved God so much wouldn’t I shy away from my sins? Yes, but guess what: Catch-22. There will always be a cycle of being on fire for God, trying hard to avoid sin and then getting complacent and slipping up and “backsliding” and then beating myself up over it. It never fails and I see this happen so many times. I know I’m awful. Terrible. Dirty. ugly. I’m selfish, yes, but you know what? God knows it. But He is awesome and wonderful and beautiful and brilliant and pure and good and He loves me anyway. Despite how much I sin. Despite how much I sleep with my boyfriend. God loves me anyway. God’s grace is mine and He will extend it to any and all sinners. Divorced and re-married, that’s a sin. Thieves. Harlots. Fornicators. Homosexuals. Perverts. Et cetera!!! Christ died on the cross and covered ALL sin, not just bits and pieces. All or none. Some will say you MUST turn from your sin to be forgiven and saved, but that rhetoric is skewed when the divorced and re-married say they are forgiven, but will not turn from their adulterous fornication (as that's what Christ deems it) because apparently they are the only exception to the rule. It doesn't work that way. Christ's blood covers ALL sins or no sins.
So my new outlook on Christianity is this: If I am not living by love, loving unconditionally as Christ did, reaching out a hand to help those in need, then I’m not living up to the title of Christian. I will spread God’s love and spread the Gospel by helping and loving. I believe that’s what I’m here to do. I’m here to be real. I’m here to be human. I’m here to be perfectly flawed! That’s why the profession of Social Work calls to me. Psychology isn’t enough. There isn’t enough human contact and not enough emotion involved. The biggest thing my life has done for me, as sad as it has been, is prepare me for the world. The world is full of a whole lot of ugly. It is full of hurting and hungry people. It is full of people who just need more. More hugs. More compassion. More food and water. More clothes more warmth. More love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. They just need more. Many people ask why God doesn't fix the pain and hurt and poverty and famine in the world, but the many people don't realize it's not His job. We should love him enough to do it for him. God can fix the world, but He wants us to do it for Him. He's only going to help us along the way. I long for a world where we can all say "Is there anything you need? Can I do anything for you? I love you. God bless you!", but I know that's a far off fantasy.
I’m not doing it for myself. I want to give back and pay it forward. I want to help and make someone’s life a little more bearable. But not for recognition, but for the sake of helping. For Christ’s sake. I’m going to love.
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Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 11:08 am
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Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:47 pm
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jesusgirl115 I know this probably won't make you feel any better but I just want to say,
I'm glad you've shared this. I think it's been good for you to just let it all out and sort through this.
I also think that people need to see that no Christian is perfect. We all have struggles, emotionally and physically.
Now, I'm not going to tell that "oh, I know how you feel! These things are so hard!" because I don't. I really don't.
Of course I've had my share of struggles and tears. I've made decisions that probably were wrong. I've hurt people in more ways then I know. We all are sinners. All of us "Fall short of the glory of God".
and sometimes you do have to be selfish. You can only do it for so long before you break. Sometimes you just have to say 'I'm done. I've done it as long as I can and I can't do it anymore.'
I will be praying for you, and your family. If there is anything I can do/pray for you please let me know. or just send me a PM if you want to talk.
I'm not just saying this so I can look good. I truly care and wan't to know.
I also am working my way to go to school for Social Work. I plan on working in CPS 'Child Protective Services'. For similar reasons as you.
I feel that I owe something to the world. I've had a really great life compared to a lot of the children in this world, and I feel like I should give back...
Thank you. Very much for being so kind and not judging smile Many people would frown upon the fact that I live with my boyfriend.
And thank you for reaching out a hand and offering to help and for not offering false sentiments. I appreciate it. It means the world to me to actually see someone doing God some love service and not just lip service as such happens so often these days.
Surprisingly, I was in a fairly decent mind-set while writing this. I shed a few tears for my family, but my emotional state is...relatively calm. The calmest it's been in a long time. I've long since been able to let my mother go and lay her at God's feet. I can't fix her, only God can if that is His will. I still have some doubts and fears. I still worry, mainly about my little sister, but I'm still learning to depend on God in all things. What can I say, I'm human.
And yes, sometimes you just have to put a foot down. I've dealt with a lot. Losing a baby sister the day before her second birthday and dealing with death at a very young age (4 1/2) does not indicate a very easy life for the family. But I can't hate God for what I've been through since then. It was not done out of vindictiveness or pure spite. Everything happens for a reason. Everything I've been through has made me the person that God ultimately wants me to be. And that is beautiful. God has given me a hard life, but believe it or not I'm thankful for it! Had it been easy I don't know what I would be like! He gave me a strong foundation for a testimony. The fact that I still have faith after all I've been through and all the hurt I've had is astounding. Even I can recognize that.
Thank you for your prayers. Aside from continuing to pray for me and my family, there is something you could do for me and it won't cost you a thing unless you see something you'd like. Please look at my store, the link is in my signature. Direct others to my store. Visit my Facebook page for the store and like it if you like my stuff (link is on the left in store). Right now I am making my living from making and selling handmade jewelry. It's something I love to do. I named my store Beads, Bails, & Blessings. My slogan is "The blessings are always free!". I'm always praying that God will give me the inspiration for my designs. I always pray that my customers are as happy with their purchases as I am with how the jewelry turned out. It is pure joy for me to make something beautiful out of raw materials that aren't so nice looking or even so simple. It's even more joy when someone loves what I've done with my own two hands so much that they pay their hard earned money to call their own.
I would love a friend request on here and if I need to talk or need advice I will message you. It is not very often one can find someone who truly cares. Thank you very much for replying smile God bless you. |
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Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:59 pm
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You might not see this, but I think you are being way to hard on yourself. By nature, all humans are selfish and prideful, end of story. And while some of your actions might be selfish, I don't see this one as one of them. It's true that living with a boyfriend can make some things more difficult, but sometimes you have to take care of yourself, like Jesusgirl said. We are born into our families and we love them, we love them unconditionally, but our Identy doesn't lie in them, it lies in Christ. While we are called to love and serve, but not to get caught up in a vicious cycle. In Christ we have freedom, not bondage. While I don't understand what you're going through I know what I have gone through. In the midst of a twisted and complicated divorce at him I want to be there at home to protect my siblings, keep my mom from crying at night and help my dad when he's suffering. As much as I want to, i'm not. I'm at school, hours away, and that's ok. Because this is where I need to be, its where God wants me to be. It's here I can accomplish what I want to accomplish. We are called to love everyone around us, especially our families, but we can't put our hope and future on them, our hope and future is in God.
And Adella, God didn't forgive your sins to watch yourself tear yourself apart like you are. It doesn't mean you are a better or worse Christian. Christianity doesn't result on us trying hard enough to act as we feel we ought to. Christianity is simply accepting God and letting him change you. It's nothing you have to do, God does it all. Even if you are doing something horrible, beating yourself up for your sins would be saying Jesus's sacrifice wasn't enough, He took your punishment so you don't have to punish yourself. I don't believe what you're doing is wrong though. Sure, if you are cutting off all contact with your family I was say maybe you need to rethink that, I am sure you are a huge support and beacon of light to them. You can help them, but they aren't your goal in life. In our life we have many Authorities. First if our family, second is church, third is the authorities and fourth is God's word. Each is higher and has dominion over the previous ones. God wants you to grow and bloom. Do do that you have to let go of the things that are holding you back. Not that you should completely ignore your family of 'let them go.' but you can't let them bring you down.
And let me say this, you are fallen, I am fallen, we all are fallen, the entire human race has fallen. We were dirty and pitiful, but everyday we are renewed clean, pure and beautiful in Christ. Will we mess up? Absolutely, we are still in the flesh, and with flesh comes temptation and with temptation we are bound to mess us. BUT You are his precious child, he loves you and you are absolutely stunning in his sight, no matter what you do, because when he looks at you all he sees is Christs blood, pure and holy. Jesus took on all that dirtiness and died with it, when he rose again he left it in Hell, and you can live freely and beautifully. Do you believe that? The center of our lives should be love, because Christ is love, just be sure you're doing it for the right reasons. We don't have to help others to prove to God we are good enough to be his child, to try and 'make up' for being selfish, Don't use it as a means to justify your faith. Faith is what it's about, we do it for God's glory and god's glory alone. We do it because we love him, because he is working in us and we love him enough to let him work.
You are going a good job staying strong, and you have encouraged me in my faith so much just reading about what you shared, I know is isn't easy, especially when everyone can see it. If you ever need someone to talk to, friend me smile . Otherwise/until then, keep it u! Here are a couple verses that might help you.
You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD, and a Royal diadem in the hand of your God.
Isaiah 62:3 (ESV)
I've commanded you to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! I am the LORD your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9 (CEV)
A new commandment I give to you: That you have love for one another; Just as I have loved you you are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.
John 13:34 (ESV)
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have [perfect] peace And confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of the power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]
John 16:33 (AMP)
Because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life have set you free from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:2 (NIV)
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mothers womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it. You watched me when I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts of me, O God. they can not be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! and when I wake up, you are still with me!
Psalm 139: 13-18 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:41 pm
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Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:17 am
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_0pal-Heart- You might not see this, but I think you are being way to hard on yourself. By nature, all humans are selfish and prideful, end of story. And while some of your actions might be selfish, I don't see this one as one of them. It's true that living with a boyfriend can make some things more difficult, but sometimes you have to take care of yourself, like Jesusgirl said. We are born into our families and we love them, we love them unconditionally, but our Identy doesn't lie in them, it lies in Christ. While we are called to love and serve, but not to get caught up in a vicious cycle. In Christ we have freedom, not bondage. While I don't understand what you're going through I know what I have gone through. In the midst of a twisted and complicated divorce at him I want to be there at home to protect my siblings, keep my mom from crying at night and help my dad when he's suffering. As much as I want to, i'm not. I'm at school, hours away, and that's ok. Because this is where I need to be, its where God wants me to be. It's here I can accomplish what I want to accomplish. We are called to love everyone around us, especially our families, but we can't put our hope and future on them, our hope and future is in God.
And Adella, God didn't forgive your sins to watch yourself tear yourself apart like you are. It doesn't mean you are a better or worse Christian. Christianity doesn't result on us trying hard enough to act as we feel we ought to. Christianity is simply accepting God and letting him change you. It's nothing you have to do, God does it all. Even if you are doing something horrible, beating yourself up for your sins would be saying Jesus's sacrifice wasn't enough, He took your punishment so you don't have to punish yourself. I don't believe what you're doing is wrong though. Sure, if you are cutting off all contact with your family I was say maybe you need to rethink that, I am sure you are a huge support and beacon of light to them. You can help them, but they aren't your goal in life. In our life we have many Authorities. First if our family, second is church, third is the authorities and fourth is God's word. Each is higher and has dominion over the previous ones. God wants you to grow and bloom. Do do that you have to let go of the things that are holding you back. Not that you should completely ignore your family of 'let them go.' but you can't let them bring you down.
And let me say this, you are fallen, I am fallen, we all are fallen, the entire human race has fallen. We were dirty and pitiful, but everyday we are renewed clean, pure and beautiful in Christ. Will we mess up? Absolutely, we are still in the flesh, and with flesh comes temptation and with temptation we are bound to mess us. BUT You are his precious child, he loves you and you are absolutely stunning in his sight, no matter what you do, because when he looks at you all he sees is Christs blood, pure and holy. Jesus took on all that dirtiness and died with it, when he rose again he left it in Hell, and you can live freely and beautifully. Do you believe that? The center of our lives should be love, because Christ is love, just be sure you're doing it for the right reasons. We don't have to help others to prove to God we are good enough to be his child, to try and 'make up' for being selfish, Don't use it as a means to justify your faith. Faith is what it's about, we do it for God's glory and god's glory alone. We do it because we love him, because he is working in us and we love him enough to let him work.
You are going a good job staying strong, and you have encouraged me in my faith so much just reading about what you shared, I know is isn't easy, especially when everyone can see it. If you ever need someone to talk to, friend me smile . Otherwise/until then, keep it u! Here are a couple verses that might help you.
You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD, and a Royal diadem in the hand of your God.
Isaiah 62:3 (ESV)
I've commanded you to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! I am the LORD your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9 (CEV)
A new commandment I give to you: That you have love for one another; Just as I have loved you you are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.
John 13:34 (ESV)
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have [perfect] peace And confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of the power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]
John 16:33 (AMP)
Because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life have set you free from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:2 (NIV)
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mothers womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it. You watched me when I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts of me, O God. they can not be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! and when I wake up, you are still with me!
Psalm 139: 13-18
Thank you very much smile
I don't want to love just to prove myself, but to prove Christ. To prove that there are Christians out there that aren't filled with hate for sects of people.
I was rather upset the day you responded because of a friend's response she sent to me on FB. It really upset me and yours made me a little happier. |
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Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:47 pm
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Reply
