Welcome to Gaia! ::

Do you have your plot for this year's NaNoWriMo?

I think most of us have similar responses for creating threads here <.< A lot of us have said we have a hard time journaling yet... most of us are keeping up well enough. Maybe it's a trend?

I have some people who are pretty big Potter fans who could give you a run for your money. But time and getting to know you will tell. Could just be on equal footing though.

Good luck with the NaNoWriMo!

Dearest Diary,

I wanted to actually journal in the journal, since that is the purpose of this thread. Regrettably, this requires somewhat of a long back story. It's not too long, though. (Well, okay- it is incredibly long.)

Just go grab a cup of coffee (or- ick, tea..), a light snack, and get comfortable.

Ready? Good. Let's begin.

It started with a trip to the Hospital. No- no, not me. (Well, yes. Later me. But that comes later.) I went with a friend who is, at least, some of us believe, seriously ill. This particular hospital is a research center. She is from out of town, had no one to go with her, and was going to be put through a multitude of icky tests (a four hour MRI-which was not the only MRI of the week, a spinal tap, an epilepsy test, ect.). I volunteered to go with her, since she has incredibly anxiety problems and can't make it alone. This was a stupid, foolish mistake that I regret. A lot.

I have to go back a little further for this. This girl is my partner's good friend. I met her at the same time I met boyfriend. We bonded (girl and I) over the fact that we both have similar mental issues from similar causes. We became fast friends.
Her husband and herself offered me a place to stay where they live (out of state for me) so I could move out of my own house (where I live right now, with my parents) because home is not a safe place for me and I don't have a good support system. This came with the added bonus of being closer to boyfriend.

So you can see- after offering me a place to stay, why I would eagerly tag along with her to her appointments. After all- it was the least I could do.

Again- a big mistake.
Remember when I said mental issues? I'm going to list those now, so you can see where I am coming from. I have been officially diagnosed with: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and ADHD. In addition, we (my partner and I) believe I have a touch of Wonderland Syndrome (because sometimes I think I am bigger than skyscrapers) and I think I have Paranoid Schizophrenic tendencies.

As you can imagine, I do not handle stress well. Not well at all.

For the most part, the week went...okay. I had to deal with this girl acting like a child, I had to talk her out of certain things and literally keep her from wheeling (she has a wheelchair) herself away from certain appointments. I had a lot on my shoulders.
And, to make matters worse, she had a very 'all or nothing' attitude about helping me with my own anxiety.
I have a fear of wearing skirts in public because I think I'm going to be raped. Her solution was to buy me a slutty dress and make me walk around the mall in it.
The crowded mall.

I'm terrified of night creepers. But that's okay! We can go out, at midnight, and walk to the Beach which is 30 minutes away. (I managed to talk her out of that one several times.)

In addition to ALL of that, contact with boyfriend was INCREDIBLY limited which A)I was not used to, and B)I needed contact desperately. He is a very logical thinker and can give me simple solutions and calm me down.
(My mind is like a Rube Goldberg machine. Everyone else goes to the toaster and pops toast. My mind sets up dominoes and bowling balls and windmills to pop the toast, when I can just get up and put it in the toaster. He can't completely make the machine go away, but he can take away some steps and get me to toast quicker.)
Sometimes when things get really bad he walks me through meditation and grounding, and I feel better.

Now, incredibly stressful week for my own anxiety (being out of my comfort zone, going to the ER, ect.), add in her anxiety and dealing with her stress, and then cut out my stress reliever.

My stress levels went through the roof. I lost it when she had a lovely conversation with my partner on the phone- who I had been dying to talk to and literally counting seconds until I could do so, and then handed me the phone and said "Here, say bye." (She had done this a lot over the course of the week.)
Luckily, I managed to talk to him and he agreed to video chat online so I could feel better.
Until she wanted to go to the beach again. Oh, I could talk to him later.
Uh, no.

So, I flipped my lid. Eventually I calmed down and called boyfriend and said "I need to see you. This is far too stressful for me to handle and I need to be calmed down."
Lovely man that he is, he got me a plane ticket to fly back with her for the weekend.

That weekend was seriously the best weekend of my life. I stayed with the girl and her husband (unfortunately), but boyfriend came first thing in the morning to get me and stayed with me as late as he could. He isolated me away from everyone and took me to things he thought I would like to do. We went to the art museum, we went to the Botanical Gardens. I saw the Wildlife Center and went to a Hibachi grill for the first time.
It was nothing short of amazing. Seriously.

I was out of home- so I was removed from a stressful environment, I was away from the girl, who had been grating on my nerves, I was with someone who made me feel safe, and I was in an absolutely beautiful city doing things I enjoyed.

Being with him, and having us time, calmed me down by buckets. I was honestly completely stress-free by the end of the weekend. Which is rare- if not impossible for me. (See above listed anxiety disorders.)

Now, more back information, this girl is very incredibly jealous. INCREDIBLY so. She assumes she's coming on dates with us, and tries to butt into 'us' time. (I am all for group outings, they're fun! But we need time alone, too.)
So, the day I was leaving, when it was just me and her in the room, she said, and I quote: "He's MY friend, just so you know. Don't be a b***h about it."
She was obviously upset that I had him for the whole weekend.

I later found out that she very much likes him and once asked him out- he said no. So, she does not like us doing things together.
She told her husband *me* kissing *him* bothered her, so I made enemies of her and her husband for a short time.


Okay, I think that's end of back story. All caught up now? Good.

A while back (like, two days ago?) I vented these frustrations in the confessional. I didn't want to live with her because I honestly think we'd kill each other.

I had to rage somewhere because I didn't want to drive a wedge between my boyfriend and his friend. He should have his friend. In fact, I have been actively encouraging him to spend more time with her to make her not upset at us spending time together.

Last night (or- two nights ago..I'm bad with time.) I called my boyfriend. We had an incredibly nice conversation (a nice, long conversation-which resolved my 'not getting enough time with you' issue) in which ALL of my problems were resolved.

I explained the Friend-being-posessive situation and he said he appreciates that I told him that. He doesn't want to be treated like a possession. He said that she's going to have to deal with us spending time together, and if she can't be a good friend then she can't be his friend. I come first.

Which..well, I didn't want their friendship to break up- and right now he's going to pretend he doesn't know she said anything until she does it in front of him or says something again to me, in which case he will speak up to her. But, I'm glad the problem is taken care of, because frankly if *I'm* not possessive over him, then she shouldn't be either.

He also said that if I get together a nice nest egg of cash, when I get up where he lives WE can get an apartment together.
WHOO. No more having to live with her. YAY.
Plus, it gets my boyfriend out of his house. His house is not a healthy, safe environment for him either (it's really bad. His mother tried to have him committed on the basis that wanting to move out was a mental disease.)
So, that's another goal accomplished.

We also talked about our open relationship, because I recall my boyfriend once saying "Well, if it's in a sexual sense, then no- I won't feel like I'm being left." And I wanted to clarify and see if he saw us as more swingers where we were only open in a sexual way or if he saw the relationship as being completely open. We are both free to date and be with other people, he says he doesn't limit me to sex and if I meet a nice, interesting attractive person who asks me out on a date then by all means I should go.
So, that got cleared up.

AND AND AND- (three ands in all caps because I've had a ton of sugar today..)
A mutual friend is going to be our third room mate. I also made a confession about this mutual friend, who I shall call Monkey because I'm talking about a ton of people and it's gonna get confusing.
Monkey used to flirt with me pretty frequently via facebook. but Monkey is die-hard religious and often feels guilty afterwords. He's very weird about relationships. His perfect girl would be a catholic who wants kids and is gorgeous and is a saint outside of the bedroom but a whore in bed.
(I am not that girl.)
So, I'm not sure how to respond to him because I'm naturally flirty but I don't want to make him uncomfortable. (In addition to him not being *my* type, either. He's not bad looking, but I'm a chubby chaser and he's thin.)
I expressed this to b***h girl from the back story and I think she said something because all online contact has stopped.

So I explained to boyfriend what I initially meant about uncomfortable and asked him what to do. He said if Monkey becomes our room mate, or even if he doesn't, to continue flirting as I normally would and if M. has a problem with it boyfriend will say something along the lines of "What, you think I mind?" Which boyfriend believes is the only thing that is making M. feel guilty.

SO, that issue is..sort of resolved.

In one conversation, everything got magically better. I got out of hell and will be living with boyfriend.
It's going to be AWESOME.
(So, so, SO awesome.)
And everything is all good and happy again.

Until next time,
Malarkie

P.S. Fun fact- every single time I visit boyfriend/he visits me/we spend time together (where we are physically within touching distance of each other) there is a rainbow.
Every single time. After the con, rainbow. Driving someplace when he visited the first time: rainbow.
Driving me from the airport when I visited him: double rainbow.

Every. Time. Rainbows.
Weird, innit? I'm settling on he's magic, I think. I wouldn't want to ruin the special-ness of it by knowing why it really keeps happening.

Dearest Diary,

Well. Last night was...interesting. And incredibly emotional. I hate that my emotions kick into such high gear when we have to work through anxiety issues. I can't believe I cried over a mouse that didn't exist.

Boyfriend thinks that my beliefs are not consistent, and that I should not eat meat if I wouldn't be able to kill it myself. He doesn't like that I would save a rat's life in our house and risk disease rather than kill the thing.
(Because I have incredible guilt issues and don't want to be an animal murderer, in addition to me elevating animals above myself on my priority list.)

It was a long, incredibly difficult discussion for me. I hated it. But we have gotten to a point where I can officially value myself above a cow, chicken, or rat. After all- I am a person too. I need to eat, breathe, and live. If I had to kill my own dinner, I should be able to do it- and I am emotionally okay with that now.

Plus, it didn't leak into my dreams, which I was worried it would, which means I'm decently okay with being a cow-murderer.
I hope the situation never comes up for me to do so, because I imagine while I say I am okay with it I will probably freak out if I ever have to actually kill my own dinner.

He said he would never hand me a chicken and expect me to bludgeon it to death, though.
So I guess I can be okay.

I have not been feeling well at all. In addition to dad being diagnosed with cancer..
Urgh.
And battling Identity Theft.
Shitty past few days have been shitty.

I wish I could be up in ___________ right now with my partner. I just want to move out and be done with all this crap already.