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 Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:39 am
Hullo good people smile I'm hoping to get some input, both from personal experience and anything textbook you wish to quote. I hope it's not against the rules, but to save myself some typing, I'm going to quote from my intro:
Quote: I'm a 43 y.o. male, married to a woman for 10 years at this writing. We have an 8 year old child and a big, dumb but loveable dog. I've been completely monogamous since my wife and I met, and she says she has also. I'm bisexual, my wife knows about it, my past LTRs with both men and women, and she's told me about hers. She's also the jealous type. If a woman flirts with me (rare these days) she goes ballistic. She's also jealous of my 6.5 year LTR with another man, even though it was years before we met, she never met him and never will. One day, out of the blue, she comes to me and says I have her 'permission' to have a relationship with another man, because she knows I'm never quite satisfied - part of me has been cut off for 10 years. O.K. Wow. I wasn't expecting that. I haven't acted on it yet, but I soooo want to. I know I eventually will. She did say if I was with another woman, though, she'd have to kill me. My wife is also bisexual, a little. She does some Kinsey scale thing where I'm right in the middle and she's between bi & straight. I think she gave me her 'permission' because she wants the same. I already told her I wouldn't divorce her for having an affair, but I'm wondering if us having separate relationships on the side would be the best thing. I have a friend who's poly, and looking at how her relationhip(s) work out, I'm wondering if that would be a better solution for us. I don't like the idea of 'cheating', even with approval. Bringing another person into the family is more appealing to me. Some things I didn't add...we're Jewish and religious, and our family life is very important to both my wife and me. (we're not black hatters, we're just below modern orthodox) We are committed to our daughter having a stable environment as she has anxiety, and at 8 she already gets panicky.
The thing that scares me is bringing up the topic with my wife. Did she say I could have an M2M relationship because she thought I'd never act on it, or was she serious? If she was not serious, with her fear of my leaving her (and it's her main anxiety point because I did ask for a separation some years ago), would it make her dog me more about missing men and "you won't ever leave me, will you?" every day? (she's very insecure) If she was serious, would she still be insecure, or would it relieve some anxiety? Would she accept another man into the family? (because I don't want to hide it, I don't want 'tricks', I want another stable relationship) I know these are questions only she can answer, I just needed to get them out of my head for clarity, sorry.
So, question... How should I go about the conversation? I don't think starting with a joke is a good idea with her as I joke so rarely she would totally take it seriously. What do I say?!? *bangs head* Gah, this is scary - the unknown. Crap.
“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 12:47 pm
It sounds a lot like before anything happens you 2 need to find a poly-friendly relationship councilor and get some things in your own relationship fixed, and some of your wife's personal issues resolved too.
And it also depends on what kind of non-monogamy she's ok with. Is it that she's cool with you swinging or is she willing to let you actually love someone else.
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Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:10 pm
Esiris And it also depends on what kind of non-monogamy she's ok with. Is it that she's cool with you swinging or is she willing to let you actually love someone else.
That's a good point (as is the other you mentioned), but this is probably the focal point of my anxiety at the moment. She wasn't specific. When I was young, athletic and HIV hadn't made the scene, I was all for tricking. Now I'm middle-aged, plump, mellow, and I don't have the desire for cruising...I'm in relationship mode. I want to know the person I'm sleeping with. Damn.
As for marriage counseling, we had a session or three some years ago with someone we agreed was no good, so stopped. She has asked me several times if we should get counseling. Maybe that would be a good idea, and a safer place to bring it up. If a counselor was there when I broach the subject....hmm....
“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:16 pm
woofpuppy Esiris And it also depends on what kind of non-monogamy she's ok with. Is it that she's cool with you swinging or is she willing to let you actually love someone else.
That's a good point (as is the other you mentioned), but this is probably the focal point of my anxiety at the moment. She wasn't specific. When I was young, athletic and HIV hadn't made the scene, I was all for tricking. Now I'm middle-aged, plump, mellow, and I don't have the desire for cruising...I'm in relationship mode. I want to know the person I'm sleeping with. Damn.
As for marriage counseling, we had a session or three some years ago with someone we agreed was no good, so stopped. She has asked me several times if we should get counseling. Maybe that would be a good idea, and a safer place to bring it up. If a counselor was there when I broach the subject....hmm....
“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson Well- at some point you're going to have to have an Awkward Turtle conversation or 2 or 3- or a few dozen. sweatdrop I think it's best to express your concerns as clearly as you can, ask for questions and try and have a meeting of the minds.
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 4:59 pm
Remember what the dormouse said;
OMFG she just did it to me again. Five minutes ago! She was looking at a site 'My Daguerreotype Boyfriend' of hot men from 100+ years ago, and she says how she loves that I'm bi and can appreciate a hot man, come look at Rorschach (of the famous test). Yeah, he was a freakin' hottie! Wow. Anywhoo, she says she'd "divorce my a** if I ever went with another woman" but if I met a man I liked, she'd be totally fine with it as long as I didn't dump her. And all that stuff about understanding she "can't give me all I desire blah, ********! And thinking on one foot, since she'd just used the word divorce, I was afraid of bringing up polyamory. She looked kinda nervous as she said her thing, so I figured, nah, later. So now I'm completely and utterly clear that sleeping with another man is cool. Yay! Now, to bring up relationship status. Crap. I'm not at all the 'cruising' type (anymore, LOL), I'm too old, fat and lame. (yeah, I use a cane) Besides, that's not what I want. I want one man, the same man, in a relationship. Me, with one woman and one man. Perfect bliss.
Was I stupid not to bring it up? Now I'm questioning my timing. Poo.
“Keep your head, keep your head.”
- Jefferson Airplane
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 5:36 pm
As for the insecurity, that can usually be handled with a little extra bonding time. When it comes to my boys, I'm incredibly insecure. For 7 years with Aethyrian, we've had a phrase that we said and it calmed me, and in the phrase (it was basically call and answer) was that we loved each other and for always and then some. I'd start it multiple times a day, and though I'm less insecure about him leaving now, we still use it at times.
For my other boy, because he's so damn far away (Saturday, get to Saturday, get to Saturday) I'm incredibly insecure, and there isn't even other people involved. He spends some time every day letting me know he loves me, he's moving, everything really is happening and it's good and it's ok.
Should either of them find someone else, it's going to be really hard for me, but they both know that I'll need that extra attention to know that they still love me.
Anyway, point being if she's an insecure person, that's one of the easier things to handle as long as both of you are open with each other about it, and you work at it, you'll be good. (Sound familiar m'dear? heart heart )
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 6:04 pm
Shayne Indra For 7 years with Aethyrian, we've had a phrase that we said and it calmed me, and in the phrase (it was basically call and answer) was that we loved each other and for always and then some. I'd start it multiple times a day, and though I'm less insecure about him leaving now, we still use it at times. Shayne Indra (Saturday, get to Saturday, get to Saturday) Shayne Indra Anyway, point being if she's an insecure person, that's one of the easier things to handle as long as both of you are open with each other about it, and you work at it, you'll be good. (Sound familiar m'dear? heart heart )
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 3:46 pm
“He who does not understand your silence..."
I put out a personal ad today xd I put one out yesterday, but the site was not pleased with my profile and banned me. It wasn't graphic/explicit, so I'm guessing it's because it didn't fit their mold(s). There was no choice for 'married' or 'polyamorous' so yeah, jerks. But a friend heart pointed me to a poly-friendly site...so...maybe someone will turn up!
"...will probably not understand your words.”
- Elbert Hubbard
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:50 pm
woofpuppy “He who does not understand your silence..."
I put out a personal ad today xd I put one out yesterday, but the site was not pleased with my profile and banned me. It wasn't graphic/explicit, so I'm guessing it's because it didn't fit their mold(s). There was no choice for 'married' or 'polyamorous' so yeah, jerks. But a friend heart pointed me to a poly-friendly site...so...maybe someone will turn up!
"...will probably not understand your words.”
- Elbert Hubbard OKcupid seems to be a very common place for polyfolk to meet up.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:32 pm
Saew woofpuppy “He who does not understand your silence..."
I put out a personal ad today xd I put one out yesterday, but the site was not pleased with my profile and banned me. It wasn't graphic/explicit, so I'm guessing it's because it didn't fit their mold(s). There was no choice for 'married' or 'polyamorous' so yeah, jerks. But a friend heart pointed me to a poly-friendly site...so...maybe someone will turn up!
"...will probably not understand your words.”
- Elbert Hubbard OKcupid seems to be a very common place for polyfolk to meet up. “He who does not understand your silence..."
Thanks, m8! I just signed up and I like that when I put in 'bisexual', it asked me if I wanted to not see or be seen by straight people. That's never happened before. It will make searching much more efficient. Now...if I can only get the pic upload to work. Grrr...
"...will probably not understand your words.”
- Elbert Hubbard
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 7:35 pm
“The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone: He cannot choose but hear;"
I have finally struck up an ongoing conversation with someone I've met on OK Cupid. (Thanks for pointing me there, Saew) Not sure if it'll lead to a face-to-face at this point, but it's certainly nice to be chatting. If spoken with a few guys on the site, but the guys interested in other guys in my general vicinity either want a monogamous relationship or quick sex, neither of which are on the table for me. The poly or poly-friendly guys I've run into are nowhere near me, but it was nice to get some hellos from them. *shrugs* I guess I'll keep on looking. It's been kinda fun being on the prowl again wink
"And thus spake on that ancient man, The bright-eyed Mariner.”
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 7:44 pm
I've had lovers come from all over- so sometimes for Love, people will go a long way out of their way.
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 5:34 am
Esiris I've had lovers come from all over- so sometimes for Love, people will go a long way out of their way. “The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone: He cannot choose but hear;"
You make an excellent point, thank you. I have come across a few situations where that's happened, and beautifully so. I suppose it never occurred to me that someone would do that for me. My mobility is limited as we want to live where my daughter has easy access to her grandparents (right now they're 5 minutes away by car and it's good for everyone). I will remember what you said, tho, and not rule out the possibility smile
"And thus spake on that ancient man, The bright-eyed Mariner.”
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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